Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
I'm trying to find a new home for the dogs that I took in because they were dumped, I'm not really able to take good care of them-just feed and vet care-but I'm too exhausted all the time to do much more.
...I am going to look into some cheap life insurance, I want to see if I can at least get enough to get my mom *some* money.
...I want to look into registering with the whole-body donor program to see if they will take me.
If they do what's left after they finish using me for practice gets cremated for free.
This is long-term planning.
I am going to give myself 3 years to turn things around.
Right now I have been physically ill for 11 years,I don't think I've not been severely depressed since 2008.
I'm miserable.
I'm sucking up Your Tax Dollars on thousands of dollars worth of drugs that are supposed to make me feel better and don't.
I'm taking money from my mother, help from my mother because, even though I work full-time, I HAVE to.
I'm too exhausted to work 2 jobs.
I feel horribly guilty for being alive, and I hate being here.
I'm a waste of oxygen.
At some point it makes sense to say I gave it my best, but now I'm tired and I want to go home, right?
If I give it my level best for the next 3 years and still (a) can't function well enough to work 2 jobs and (b) am still in agony like this, it makes sense to end it.
...I am going to look into some cheap life insurance, I want to see if I can at least get enough to get my mom *some* money.
...I want to look into registering with the whole-body donor program to see if they will take me.
If they do what's left after they finish using me for practice gets cremated for free.
This is long-term planning.
I am going to give myself 3 years to turn things around.
Right now I have been physically ill for 11 years,I don't think I've not been severely depressed since 2008.
I'm miserable.
I'm sucking up Your Tax Dollars on thousands of dollars worth of drugs that are supposed to make me feel better and don't.
I'm taking money from my mother, help from my mother because, even though I work full-time, I HAVE to.
I'm too exhausted to work 2 jobs.
I feel horribly guilty for being alive, and I hate being here.
I'm a waste of oxygen.
At some point it makes sense to say I gave it my best, but now I'm tired and I want to go home, right?
If I give it my level best for the next 3 years and still (a) can't function well enough to work 2 jobs and (b) am still in agony like this, it makes sense to end it.
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
A year ago I made a promise to myself - to put myself and my healing first in my life, to do all that I could to get better, to not feel guilty about the cost of my therapy and to let the adults in my life look after themselves, again, without feeling guilty.
I can recommend it.
Hugs - look after yourself. Do something nice for yourself today. If I was there with you I'd give it to you as a treat.
Thanks for sharing this. You, nor I, are any of those negatives listed above. It still doesn't stop us from feeling it. You can only do your best and maybe your best will be better a year from now. Hugs to you. If you get down, take another long hug from all of us OK, we are here with you .
you are not a waste of oxygen. that is your dad talking. Your dad was the waste .... anytime we say mean stuff to ourselves, let's say "no actually that truth applies to my abuser not to me, not to us. we did not do anything wrong." that is what I am telling my inner kids right now.
you can do this Hylie. pet the dogs today. you'll feel better. my cat is snuggled up to me right now and this helps.
hugs to you
You're working very, very hard at a job very few other people could do. And you're doing great. But I agree - it's high time you reap some reward from it all, enjoy some relief. Feel free to make that demand of the universe - you are entitled!
And by the way, you should have GOOD job, or business, or whatever is your aspiration. Not two crappy jobs!
About the dogs - I can relate because I suffer a lot of guilt about my dog too. She always wants more than I can give her: more walking, more playing. More food, but that's not hunger, it's just doginess. My husband always insists she's fine, and fortunate. Well he's from india and let me tell you, the dogs there are starving and mangy and afraid of people because everyone throws rocks at them. It's horrible. So yes, our dogs are lucky as they are!
My one niece and two nephews were supported by 2.5 million dollars in tax money from January 2010 to May 2011. That was during several life-threatening situations.
Before that, my 2 nephews alone were supported by 5 million dollars in tax money. So the family total for those 4 people (sister in law and her 3 kids) from 2000 to 2011 is about 7.5 million dollars. For 4 people. For 11 years.
Not condoning or condemning anyone. Just thought these numbers would give you some perspective.
I think I have some combination of things going on:
- Pills not working as they should, so agitated depression. This is like depression with explodiness on top. I hate being this way when it happens.
-Possible inbound memory; the longer it takes to surface the worse it's going to be, and it's been building for a while.
(Surprise! guess what happened to YOU!)
-Feeling powerless to change my financial situation. I'm not totally powerless; but I am in a place that will take a long time to claw my way up from...and that *feels* like I am helpless. Feeling helpless is a trigger to when I was in a situation in which I really WAS helpless; when I was a kid at the mercy of my parents.
I am so glad to see your update. You have figured out the cause so now you can plan for it. I feel the same way about finances. I was really stupid when I was married to my kids' dad. I made a lot of decisions to 'make him happy' and put myself in a serious hole of debt. I've always saved for retirement .... and always liquidate to pay off debt. my credit card debt is more than half of my annual salary so .... not good.
but we will get through it. thank you for bringing it up because now I understand why it triggers me ... feeling helpless, of course.
it was a New Moon yesterday. That is a good time for a fresh start. Do something today that you want to do again tomorrow. It's a time to plant seeds that become beautiful flowers. :-)