None with sibling abusers. You can't force remorse is the lesson I've learned and their morals are despicable so there's no good ending in having a relationship. Too bad but it's true.

sounds like your brother was able to show you remorse, alibbi. I felt hostile towards my grandfather until he died. Even after his death I could feel rage towards him. Then again, he was self-righteous about his so-called religious nature and never asked to be forgiven.

I don't think you need to feel guilty or that you are letting your brother off the hook. trust your instincts. if you are safe with your brother now, and he is not a predator but was just a confused kid, then I personally for what it is worth think it is great you have such compassion and acceptance.

If your brother apologized and has helped repair the damage he did? Well, that's not easy. It's not letting him get away with anything, it's holding him responsible.
...I do note, you may remember more stuff as time goes on, and I hope that your brother will continue to help you recover from what he did.

...Personally, I wish that...well...my dad were willing to fully face what he did, apologize and work to repair the damage. Had he been willing to work to mend what he did, I might be willing to have a relationship with him.
But he never will.
I won't forgive that willingness to walk away from his crimes, just as I won't forgive the abuse itself.
But expecting my father to change is to be disappointed, so letting go of him makes good sense.

My father was my abuser - but a few times he got my older brother involved. In my teens I shut the door on my brother and he accepted that. Later, in adulthood, he said or behaved in ways that made me feel uncomfortable, when I told him that he immediately stopped what he was doing.

He has no memory of the abuse and he can not accept (deal with) what our father did to me (and him and made him do to me), and as I can't cope with his denial, we don't have a relationship.

I don't blame him at all for what happened because his reactions to me have shown me that it was not his doing, that he respects me.

If he was able to face the past, I think we would get on fine. He's not a bad person. But he can't and I don't think he ever will be able to.

It makes me very sad.

I don't know if this helps you at all.

I'm so glad to hear how your relationship with your brother is going. People that refuse to forgive keep themselves from moving forward in a healthy way. When we hold on to the bitterness and anger, we keep ourselves locked in a prison. Forgiveness is the key to our freedom.

It does take a lot of work to get there. Good for you for putting in the effort. God bless you!

I don't believe in forgive and forget and have a relationship with them. I tried that and my father started saying things to my daughter that were not right because I forgave him and was around him still with my then 10 year old daughter. I am sick of hearing about forgiving...it does not mean continuing a relationship with them and I just wish someone told me that. I have nothing to do with my father at all and it does not mean I have not forgiven him and have cut off ties with some of my siblings who don't believe me and call me nus and my mother who supposedly believes me but never wanted to hear about it or talk about it and still doesn't. It is just my opinion that the laws are not what they should be in these cases because so many people are forgiving and continue relationships with their abusers which makes it harder on us who have people who do not change their ways and should be in jail. The law can say, well it must not be that detrimental to people because they still continue to have relationships with these perpetrators and I am sure that would be brought to court if I ever tried to go regarding my father.

hoping4peace: I'm really sorry things with your dad turned out that way.

You're absolutely right when you say - forgiving does not mean continuing a relationship with them. Sometimes it's just not possbile and sometimes, the healthiest thing we can do is just move on with our lives. Continued prayers for you friend.

**Alive In Him**

Thank you all for your insight and empathy on this topic.

It is an ever-evolving journey that moves slowly and is tougher at some times than others.

One thing a very close friend pointed out to me this weekend is that when I am with my brother (abuser) I am not always my authentic genuine self. I often get anxious and make a lot of jokes. Or simply avoid actual conversation, instead going for topics like TV, movies, work-life etc. The deeper issues I think I'm very uncomfortable with.

Recently I was laid off, and he is playing the big brother card of wanting to look over my resume, help me find a job etc. But my mental health isn't great and I was thinking of just taking some time to myself to work on my health and well being. I am ashamed to tell him this, as I'm afraid he'll judge me. Normal sibling stuff, or confused because of our troubled past??

There is nothing shameful in taking time to yourself and working on yourself - quite the opposite, it is something you should be proud of.

Even if you have forgiven your brother, it does sound as if you still have issues relating to the abuse (like being afraid of being judged by your abuser).

Taking time to look after yourself, away from his influence and reminder of who you were then, sounds like a very good idea. Go for it!

I was abused by 2 different brothers. At age 6. They were 13 and 15 At 27 a phyc finally asked the right question and I was able to begin healing. (I had felt it was all my fault for not stopping them. I would never had told anyone.) I told my parents. They ask my brothers. Both confessed, Both said they were sorry. I feel one was molesting to punish my mom and the other was doing it because he felt unloved. I am fine with the later. The first one. I hate him, but I talk at family reunion because we are family. Even more I lothe myself for not telling his first wife about it and I really believe he molested his kids. I tried asking one but I did not know how to do it without ruining how they saw their dad incase he had not. They are now adults.