Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
Hi folks, hope you dont mind a rant.
I ran across Oprah while changing channels the other day. She had recovering hoarders on the show. The expert doctor explained that its an illness, and that its not because theyre lazy. Oprah had to interject: sure, they may have an illness, but that doesnt mean theyre not lazy too. Both of the hoarders explained that it wasnt because they are lazy rather, they are freaked out by space and letting things go. And that lifting the shame from this condition has been key to recovery. But Oprah kept going on with with her diagnosis of lazy.
This is something that has been bugging me for a long time about these shows. Be it Oprah, or Dr. Phil, or Dr. Joy Brown, or Judge Judy, they seem to use shame with their guests (Oprah less that Dr. Brown). Possibly because their audience likes to see others taken down a peg? I remember once hearing Oprah clearly say I hate a victim. I guess my attitude is different: I am sad for a victim, and hope they can work through their stuff towards becoming a survivor.
But this other logic permeates a lot of self-help work. I was compelled last week to pick up Louise Hays classic You Can Heal Your Life. Its filled with gems like You chose your parents when youre born, and you need to own that. Ugh, great message for an incest survivor. Whenever I have encountered all this logic, it has triggered all my self-blaming, and has kept me stuck.
But something interested started two weeks ago. Ive been having a tough time, and having a catharsis about how I HAVE felt like a victim in this world. Im sure Oprah wouldnt approve: I need to take responsibility blah blah. BUT, surprisingly it's led to me shedding yet another significant layer of my debilitating anxiety. Which is fantastic!
So it seems like a gift that Ive bumped into this stuff from Oprah and Louise this past week. I suddenly feel strong enough to say Thats b*llsh*t and unhelpful. And then I take a deep breath, and feel even less anxious in the world.
I AM taking responsibility. But blaming myself and calling myself names like lazy isnt the way towards health. I know they are trying to helpand maybe it helps somebut its unhelpful for me at least.
Thanks for letting me vent. Anyone relate?
I ran across Oprah while changing channels the other day. She had recovering hoarders on the show. The expert doctor explained that its an illness, and that its not because theyre lazy. Oprah had to interject: sure, they may have an illness, but that doesnt mean theyre not lazy too. Both of the hoarders explained that it wasnt because they are lazy rather, they are freaked out by space and letting things go. And that lifting the shame from this condition has been key to recovery. But Oprah kept going on with with her diagnosis of lazy.
This is something that has been bugging me for a long time about these shows. Be it Oprah, or Dr. Phil, or Dr. Joy Brown, or Judge Judy, they seem to use shame with their guests (Oprah less that Dr. Brown). Possibly because their audience likes to see others taken down a peg? I remember once hearing Oprah clearly say I hate a victim. I guess my attitude is different: I am sad for a victim, and hope they can work through their stuff towards becoming a survivor.
But this other logic permeates a lot of self-help work. I was compelled last week to pick up Louise Hays classic You Can Heal Your Life. Its filled with gems like You chose your parents when youre born, and you need to own that. Ugh, great message for an incest survivor. Whenever I have encountered all this logic, it has triggered all my self-blaming, and has kept me stuck.
But something interested started two weeks ago. Ive been having a tough time, and having a catharsis about how I HAVE felt like a victim in this world. Im sure Oprah wouldnt approve: I need to take responsibility blah blah. BUT, surprisingly it's led to me shedding yet another significant layer of my debilitating anxiety. Which is fantastic!
So it seems like a gift that Ive bumped into this stuff from Oprah and Louise this past week. I suddenly feel strong enough to say Thats b*llsh*t and unhelpful. And then I take a deep breath, and feel even less anxious in the world.
I AM taking responsibility. But blaming myself and calling myself names like lazy isnt the way towards health. I know they are trying to helpand maybe it helps somebut its unhelpful for me at least.
Thanks for letting me vent. Anyone relate?
I feel sad for victims too. My brother and sister are victims. They never moved on. When I confronted my family I did it knowing I would probably be walking away alone. I didn't even want an apology. Just an acknowledgement that I wasn't crazy. My sister was the only one who made even a slight effort. She said once she tried to think about dad and she woke up on the floor curled up in the fetal position, so she just couldn't think about it. That takes up a hell of a lot of energy, all that "not thinking."
I moved away and had a family of my own and was very committed to conscious parenting. I didn't want to do anything that would ever make them ever feel anything but safe and loved. When they got older I explained honestly but simply why they didn't see moms family. As they got older they understood more.
I don't mean to make it sound easy. Believe me I put in my time in therapy, depression ptsd and psychiatric hospitalization, but what I do now is so much more than survive. I want a new word. I flourish. I think we all can.
Sorry to go on and on but your words touched me. You are not to blame. not one little bit, zero, zilch, zippo, nada. That one of these self proclaimed experts made you feel bad for even an instant infuriates me. What we need to take responsibility for is our own healing. It's damn hard work we should never have had to do in the first place so be proud of yourself, because you are doing it.
I'm
Fuck Oprah!!!She's a USER....And yeah she hates the "victim" mentality, that's ridiculous, people are victims, there's nothing to judge about it....
He also doesn't believe in the new agers like Hay "You choose your parents" he has a hand on realistc approach to child abuse...
Not at unrealistic Walt Disney approach like Oprah, or a CRUEL actually dumb approach like DR Phil.....I mean the thing Dr Phil says are asinine....Just common sense directed at those, who have real issues and if they could do what his saying they would, they can't....is not that simple.
FYI, I know Oprah does lots of good work, as do the others in their own way. And I assume there are some fans in this forum, and I dont mean to disparage them wholesale. Glad theres someone out there for each of us to resonate with.
sorry there is a point to this that doesn't have to do with breast cancer.
It got me to think, and I've always been hesitant with the term Survivor. For me it seems to imply that everything that happened is behind me, and that I conquered everything, but it's not. Whenever I think i've worked through something, a week or a month, or a year later it seems to all be back. And then I found myself envying someone with cancer, that they could just survive it and not have cancer anymore. Or even better ( I think at times), they're dead.
And then I get upset about the term victim, because there seems to be a stigma to it. People look down on a victim; victims are weak, and even worse victims are often blamed for things that are entirely not their fault. And all I've found is this social mentality kills me. Because I am a victim; I had no control over what happened to me, I was 8 and at most 13. I hate feeling like there's something wrong with me because I was a victim; and I still am, it's not something that will ever fully be behind me, not something physical malignancy that surgery can heal.
I just came from my therapist and shared my breakdown/breakthrough two weeks ago when I really embraced my feelings that life is stacked up against me with all the various things that happened in my childhood, all the hang-ups that resulted, all the resulting negative impacts to my adulthood, and a bunch of physical problems that seem to be compounding the problem. And ever since I had that breakthrough, my anxiety is starting to melt away. I have struggled with breathing normally my whole life and Im starting to finally. And Im being more confident with people. He thinks Im onto something and that if Im not careful, I might just get better, wink.
One might think that such a phrase as life is stacked up against me is the worst thing to say a survivor doesnt say such a thing, right? But its fascinating that by finally embracing that feeling, Im starting to finally feel free from my fear, my shame. Is it weird? Or is it through embracing my identity as a victim, that Im finding an even stronger identity as a survivor? Ah, lifes ironies. And again, the self-help industry may help in some ways (it has for me), but they hinder in others.