I understand. Many fragments of memories and impressions have bothered me for years, some finally becoming clear in the last two years, but not all. I would suggest you try not to search for clues or prove anything to yourself. Just trust your feelings and take it easy on yourself. When it is time for any other memory to come forward, you'll have answers. I think the scariest ones are the deepest and hardest to know, at least for me.

hugs to you - I'm glad you have a supportive husband. :-)

It is very disturbing when you think and fear there might be something there, locked away and you can't get at it. Since I started remembering the abuse I was subjected to some fears of what might have happened have been backed up by memories, some I am happy to accept probably were just fears brought on by a 'what else' sort of panic, and others I accept I will never know whether they happened or not.

There is no 'proof' there can be no proof - even at the time the adults involved would have made sure there was no proof so I can only decide what I believe happened and be 'content' with that.

It took me a long time to get here and a lot of patient help from my therapist.

Knowing what happened to you won't change the past, you know without doubt that your uncle tried to assault you when you were a teenager, your mum has told you he raped her, so you know he is not a good man and one you are justified in avoiding. If he attacked you when you were 5 and you can't remember it, then it could be that your mind is protecting you from something it thinks you are not yet ready to handle or it could be that your mind did not process the event in a way that can be easily retrieved. At that age children know so little about the world and their understanding is so limited, how would a memory like this be stored?

The important thing to remember is, no matter what he did or did not do to you as a child (from what you say he clearly did something), you are no longer a child and he is no longer a threat to you.

Breath deeply
Hugs

if there is a hidden memory, then time will slowly bring it to the surface. i find memories rising up slowly-thankfully. but don't rush it. if there is anything there that's safe to remember it will probably happen.

except for a handful of memories that were a few seconds long i remember nothing before first grade. and i don't want to remember. i remember more than i care to. in a way i wish i could bury my whole life before eighteen and never remember it again. i have physical scars that have no origins after first grade. i don't want to remember. ever.

you have a enough horrible trauma to deal with. you suffered enough. a very good question that you have asked.

Thanks for the replies!

Memories are tricky, don't stress, give it time.

Just like everyone else has said, the memories will trickle in a little at a time or all at once. But most of all because you know and are aware of the danger. When your radar goes off, "Trust It". You know without having the proof. But relax on yourself, it will come in its own time.

You truly have a wonderful husband that is supportive, you are blessed.

I'm in a similar situation. I have some memories of abuse from age eight, but just a feeling that there's a lot more. The memories may rise to the surface, or not. It won't help to get stressed about it. My experience of these things is that we recover these memories best when we feel safe, not threatened or stressed.

For a long time I had almost no memory of anything that happened before senior year in high school...it was all blank. But now I'm recovering a lot of memories, most of them bad.

As I overheard my father saying to my mother..."Don't worry, they don't remember anything that happened before age five." If that's not a clue, I don't know what is. His favorite expression in describing attractive women was "baby fat". I always found that extremely creepy. The clues are there for me, but not too many memories.

I don't think trying to mine our memory banks for these things will help. I just try to accept things as they are. Maybe someday we'll remember.