Ok, I split up into other personalities...and the one whose job it was to do that? Well, she was proud of the job she did.
...We tried our best to make the parents happy, and she, well, was proud that she was able to do ANYTHING that won us some sort of love and affection.
WHen you grow up in a wasteland,you'll take any positive reinforcement you can get.

Welcome back, hope things are going ok for you.

That's a stunning story, Jimbo.

I don't remember any praise for anything, but one weird thing is that instead of calling me "kiddo" or "princess" or whatever normal dads call their daughters, mine called me "lover". Eww.

Eww!

To this day I feel pride and expect praise when I become physically aroused. I can't ever remember being praised for anything else, except looking pretty.

Shit that sounds bad.
I think I'd feel sick if I was reading that from someone else.

I can relate to your story Jimbo. Welcome back.

for me what feels weird is that certain phrases that should not have a sexual meaning do ... such as being a "good girl." mostly I remember his weird laugh, which was creepy but at least meant he was pleased so as a child I was eager to earn that. otherwise it was a belt-whipping.... which was used to teach me to suppress my gag reflex.

these selfish bastard abusers figured if they wanted to get off we were tools to be taught how to get them off. I hope your dad and his friend are suffering now.

going through a rage phase so I guess it feels more than weird to me right now --- it feels like something so enraging I would like to be able to hurt him now.... and I would be fine with hurting your dad and his loser friend too.

I got some of the weird praise you are talking about. My dad would shower with me and "pose" me in different positions in the shower and tell me he liked the way I looked.

That seemed like huge praise and I was glad he was pleased because pretty much everything else he said was derogatory. His "cute" nickname for my mom was "bitch". And when I turned 13 he called me one of "those" people or one of "them" meaning a teenager.

I think he was saying extremely negative things so that any praise was seen as extremely good. There wasn't anything in between. Very black and white. I was either horrible or wonderful, ugly or beautiful. I learned in therapy he was grooming me.

Oh, Jimbobaronio

This breaks my heart. And it reminds me of a video the sheriff's department had confiscated during a sex trafficking raid and was showing to a task force fighting sexual abuse.

*****Trigger***********Trigger*****



The video showed two young children dancing in front of the camera. A young girl of about four and a boy of five or so.

In the background you could hear the parents calling out to tell the children what to do. The mom called out to the little girl and told her to "show them your big boobies."

And the little girl cupped her hands under her flat chest and moved directly into the focus of the camera so that all you saw were her non-existent boobies.

You can imagine what they told the little boy to do.

***end of trigger****

I was fortunate to have had an appointment to see my therapist that day because I was totally undone. I was struck by the horror of it all.

It makes me cry to this day because I know those children will grow up thinking they did these things willingly--not knowing they were being groomed.

I don't ever recall being complimented for much of anything--oooh, that's not true. I was compliment but only for having a sexy body. Nothing more.

And since that's all I ever got I tried my best to live up to it by wearing form-fitting clothes, low-cut tops, etc., etc.

It breaks my heart to realize the vulnerability of children and how we take whatever crumbs we can get without ever knowing we are being groomed and programmed to expect less.

I agree with you Jimbo, "It is weird to remember praise at being good at something that should never have been happening in the first place."

xx
SuzA