Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
I am afraid of my thoughts. When I am with people, my thoughts drift to how they would react if I died, what they would say, if they would cry, if they would be shocked... When I am alone, I dream of death. I desire it. I wonder why I would possibly go through all this pain, deal with being a childhood sexual abuse victim, deal with whatever disorder I might have...why would I do all this, just to die someday anyway? For my family? They will die someday, too. For future generations? Well, I don't want kids, and I don't plan on doing anything that will make me go down in history, so that doesn't matter. And anyway, they will die too. I will be forgotten and long dead someday, no matter when and how I die. Thoughts like these, though it seems completely rational, scare me.
As far as planning on going down in history, pasch, you are 20 - that is not a put down, but my thoughts at 20 are SO foreign to me now. I have found purpose, I have found that even though all things end, the here and now DO matter - but it wasn't until I started loving myself that I could love and care for others. Yes, this life has pain in it, and you may have some disorder - I have three diagnosis and I have learned to embrace them. The ability to make the best of life is somewhat an art - and you are an artist. Which, by the way, Rembrandt and Da Vinci have been gone for quite awhile, but people can't stop admiring them - you just won an art contest so who knows where your talents can take you. Perhaps going down in history was not their driving force - I think they just wanted to purvey life as they saw it.
I hope some of this helps - you sound like a very deep, introspective person - but sometimes that kind of laser vision can cut pretty harshly. Please give yourself time and talk to others - you may find you are cherished and admired by many -
All my best -
Refuse2quit
I just ran across this in Sexual Abuse forum - as an artist I think you can see the metaphors that are very empowering here. Yes, it is just someone writing, but the images that are described are quite beautiful.
Hope that you find some inspiration in it.
http://reunitedselves.blogspot.com/2013/04/the-eagle-and-swan.html
Refuse2quit
Steve
I often have thoughts like those you mention. I think about a knife in my side and my blood running down the pavement. I think about dying, about people around me being hurt and in hospital, or dying...but these thoughts only scare me when I think they might be true. If I put a truth into them that does not exist.
When you have these thoughts see if you can step away from them, watch them like you were in a cinema, tell yourself that they are just thoughts, they can not hurt you.
Having said that, they might be your mind's way of expressing a fear you do have - so, if you can go one step further and ask yourself what it is you are really afraid of, then that might help even more. But if you can't never mind.
Are you saying that because everything dies anyway that nothing really matters? That it doesn't make sense for you to go through the pain of healing "just to die someday anyway?"
Yes, it's true. We are all going to die someday, no matter what we do. But, don't confuse that truth with, what I see as a psychological defense.
As long as your mind is telling you there is nothing worth living for (for that's what I hear) you will stay stuck. And in that stuck place you don't have to face your pain, anger, sorrow and whatever other feelings resulted from the sexual abuse.
Our minds are clever and will use extreme devises and sidetrack us in countless ways in order to keep us from dealing with the deep pain of healing.
But, because you are aware of your thoughts, and though they scare you, you can choose to first acknowledge them, thank them for their message,** gently tell them you have decided to live, and then turn your thoughts to the present moment.
You may have to do this a thousand times before they get the message that you are determined to heal, to live, and to share your gift of art...if that's what you want to do.
It will be hard at first because the neurons in your brain have created a pathway to these negative thoughts, but with practice you can create a new route..
**I say thank them for their message because thoughts of death are reminders to live fully. No one knows when they will draw their last breath. And most do not know what's on the other side of death.
In whatever way is right for you, learn to love yourself and your thoughts will no longer scare you.
xx
SuzA
Are you getting support for your pain? I hope so.
Hang in there, things, life can change. Just because we all die one day, doesn't negate the experience of living. take care.