I have been accused of being an over protective parent by someone I wouldn't trust with my child. That sure messed with my head, at the time.

It's really, really challenging to sort out what feelings are normal and what feelings are the ones you no longer need to carry around. I'm so glad you are talking about it!

I had counseling early on, as a child. It was not helpful. It's really hard to say what things would have helped and what would have made things worse. In all likelihood, though, your brain did a great job of helping you to survive and get here.

How old are you now, Write2Heal? How may kids? Is something specific going on that is making you feel like you are a paranoid parent? There is a lot to protect kids from, so the pressure can sometimes be overwhelming.

Write2heal:
I am not a parent, but my mom hovered over me and my sister like a Blackhawk 'copter. But none the less, my cousin was able to molest me for several years and she had no idea - I, like so many survivors, lied and hid my abuse from her for various reasons - at the time those reasons all made sense, but now I see they were just extensions of the control my cousin had over me. Regardless, I went to great lengths to keep the abuse from her.
And ultimately I resented her for "getting in my business". I felt like she was constantly suspicious, not just of others, but of me. Even though I had a good relationship with my Mom, I still hated the way she got involved in EVERYTHING I was doing.
Kids need a certain amount of freedom and need to feel trusted - I never felt my Mom trusted me even though she had no idea what was happening. That really caused a LOT of friction between us.
I believe you have to be diligent in protecting your kids, but if you overdo it often the ones you are trying to protect can end up resenting you for you over-involvement in their lives. And there is no guarantee that your child will not be harmed in some way by life, even though you are trying your best to protect them, In an effort to protect, do not alienate your kids - they need to know they are trusted and if something bad happens, they can come to you and talk about it. If you are overly protective, you may find your kids do not talk to you about things they should - I did not want my Mom to think she failed, nor to have her "step up" her monitoring - she was bad enough at making me feel like I had no privacy, if I told her I was being abused, she would have "hovered" even more, and we would have argued more and had more conflict. It is better to let your kids know you are there if something happens, and not give them the impression that if they are harmed in some way it is the end of the world. That really can make kids feel too fragile and paranoid.
Just my point of view from my experience.
All my best!
Refuse2quit

I am a parent but I don't hover. You may not either ... you may be too hard on yourself. I have a relative who does seem to hover and be overly controlling of her children's time and activities. The older child engages in minor rebellions to separate himself from her control.

My children and I talk openly about my concerns for their safety and what I expect them to do to take care of themselves. I remember once wondering about my son because he is so affectionate towards me. Well, he just loves me, but my paranoia got the best of me and I began to wonder if he wanted to be close to me because someone had violated one of his boundaries. I waited for an appropriate time and I asked him if anyone had ever touched him in ways that made him uncomfortable. The look on his face was gold - I knew from his expression and tone of voice in answering me that his boundaries had been respected and I didn't have to worry.

I guess the point I am wandering around is depending on how old your children are maybe you could be reassured by things they say. My kids are 10 and 12, and they have great judgment and know their limits and know the rules to stay safe. Obviously, when they were toddlers, they were testing limits and had to be watched closely. Even when they were toddlers, I let my kids do certain things for themselves (under my supervision) to help them build confidence in themselves.

Do you like cooking? Rachael Ray has a cookbook for kids. The instructions are great and designed for different age groups .... so there are recipes for young children and older children, and there is always a part of the process the child can do. She writes in the beginning of the book how in her family even young children were encouraged to be involved in the cooking. It might be a fun exercise for you and your kids to get that book and experiment with some of the recipes. I know my kids and I have enjoyed it.

another idea ... if you really are overly protective, you may have some fear issues that need attention. EMDR therapy helped me address my fear issues. Certain movies or books can trigger me and cause me to have scary dreams, but I no longer have the nightmares and anxiety dreams that characterize PTSD.

Truth is most people do not want to see the horrors of this world. They don't want to know what you have been through or anyone else who has suffered greatly. Its sad. I think its great you want to protect your kids. I homeschool mine because I have a son with disability who I worrie about getting picked on and a school district that dosnt do much to help disabled kids or take care of bullying. I also know if my kids are with me I know what they are doing and that they are ok. I get harassed about this sort of thing. People dont even want to acknoledge what bad things go on in schools. I know you cant protect them all the time but you can certainly try. Protect them in every way you possibly can but give yourself a pat on the back for being a caring mom and dont let the protectiveness frive you crazy with worrie.

I'm noticing how people on here are combining protection with control. I think if it gets to a point of control the issue isnt really about safty at all its something else. But just reading the post you sounded like a concerned parent to me. Mabee you could give more insight as to what you are talking about more specific I mean.

All the information has been great. My boys are 14, 10, and 7. My kids don't run around outside by themselves as I was abused in broad daylight while supposedly playing outside. I am nearby or my husband watches them play at the park. We let our 14 year old play basketball at the gym with his friends and are okay with leaving him alone for several hours as long as we know the friends he is with. My fear usually involves my kids interacting with other kids and families that I am not ver familiar with. My kids will be frustrated wanting to go stay the night with a friend that we barely know. I am not ok with that and will usually no. Am I being unreasonable?

Sorry for the typos in previous message. I think you get the gist of what I was trying to say. :)

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Many families have a no-sleepover (period) policy. I think that all your children are at ages where they are going to start pushing back as they mature, which is a challenge!

Hi there... I have a seven year old girl... I am over protective... I always have been... I never let her go to friends houses without me... I usually just say we would rather her friends come here. And when thy are at my house I have a rule that they have to play with the door open!!! No sleepovers unless they are at our house...!!! Then I stay up all night waiting for them to fall asleep! When I went to Florida for
My hubby's family reunion I refused to let her out of my sight I would not even go to the bathroom without making sure my hubby was watching her while I was in there! I have been told I am being over protective because of my hyper vigilance...

BUT!!! My daughter was raped 4 times in my own house, in my own living room, she was five and my little 13 year old brother was visiting my family! He raped her everyday of his stay with us, every time I took a shower! I had no idea I had to be over protective with her even in my own house with my own family!!!

SO... When people think of me as overprotective... I think of them as under protective!!!

There are kids who run around my apartment complex without their parents... There are two girls ages 8 and 9 who are outside by themselves morning and night everyday rain or shine... My daughter asked me when she can in around without me... And I tell her NEVER. Sorry baby... She knows why... She knows that bad people can steel
Children... Or use them the way my brother used her... She gets it. But one day this little girl who runs around without parents asked me why I come outside with my daughter everytime she goes to the park and I told her the truth... I don't want her to get kidnapped... I told her that when I was six my parents let me run around by myself and I was taken by a "stranger" who forced me to do bad things! So I won't ever let my child run around without someone watching her because I never want some "stranger" to take her!

I think about when my baby is all grown up... Will I let he go on sleepovers and go out by herself when she is 14, 15, 16... Well the answer is a definitive NO!

My daughter is not currently rebelinig against my protection... I certainly do not protect her so that I can control her... I give her lots of choices and usually let her make her own desision. We have a good relationship... I hope that keeps us strong as we head into her teen years... I have a rule that I never just say NO to her, I always explain why I am saying no in great detail until she understands my reasoning behind my NO.

I had a boyfriend in highschool who's parents always let his friends "party" in his basement. He played in a band so we where always in the basement with the band. His parents had a rule that if we where goin to be partying we had to do it at his house... They where always sitting in the living room just there incase we needed them. I figure that I will be a parent like this... No she won't be able to run around town without her mother, but she will always be able to bring her posse back to my place to hang out in a safe place! I am overprotective but I'm also a very laid back person. I am only overprotective because I have to be. I told my husband that if anything else happened to our daughter while I was responsible for her that I would not be able to survive the guilt so this way is the only way I know of protecting both my daughter and myself from future sexual
Assaults...!!! Or other bad things...!!!

I think that if your an over protective parent you are doing a great job! Don't trust a soul with your children!!! Usually the person who you least suspect will be the one that will sexually assault your child! So watch your kids... Even when they are teens...!!! I was raped by a friend of mine when I was 16. I had known this boy since I was 7 years old and I went to his haloween party and he raped me! So because my experiences lead me to believe that's child will not be safe without my protection... I will protect her with my life for as long as I possibly can...!!!

Lovesmama,

Thank you for sharing your input! I completely understand where you are coming from! I would rather my child grow up to laugh about how overprotective I am instead of dealing with the questions that I have about the whereabouts of my own mother while I was being raped as a child!