Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
I had a fellow member that is new like me and was asked if I could describe what RED FLAGS to watch out for when in a discussion with others on DS. There are some terribly damaged people here and we so need to be a little more understanding when it comes to our responses, So, with that in mind I sent my friend a list of what I would consider FLAGS to watch for. I thought others may benefit from this and some would add FLAGS they have already encountered or know of. Here is my list - please add to it as you think is appropriate.
- If they ask too much, too quick; FLAG
- if they ask personal info, like where you live specifically, or what you look like - things that are not relevant to helping; FLAG
- If they just start questioning you about sexually specific acts or specific facets of your abuse right off the bat which do not feel right; FLAG
- If they ask you "creepy" question such as "do you like to perform ________ now" (fill the blank with something inappropriate); FLAG
- If you feel uncomfortable with where the conversation is going and mention it, but they keep going in that direction; FLAG
- If they ask something like "what are you wearing"; FLAG
- If you tell them you are not going to discuss something, but they ask or talk about it anyway; FLAG
- If they start TELLING you to do something, perform some act or cross a boundary you have already set; FLAG
- IF they ask you to start performing some sexual act while online with them; HUGE FLAG
- If you start feeling uncomfortable with the general conversation; FLAG - your inner-protector will let you know most of the time. There is nothing wrong with saying "I feel very uncomfortable talking about this with you". If they are really here to support or help you, they should apologize immediately and back off; if they don't; FLAG
- If they ask odd questions about your current family or personal offline friends, not relevant to the conversation and not just "chit-chat"; FLAG
Again, hope this helps - add as you feel appropriate
- If they ask too much, too quick; FLAG
- if they ask personal info, like where you live specifically, or what you look like - things that are not relevant to helping; FLAG
- If they just start questioning you about sexually specific acts or specific facets of your abuse right off the bat which do not feel right; FLAG
- If they ask you "creepy" question such as "do you like to perform ________ now" (fill the blank with something inappropriate); FLAG
- If you feel uncomfortable with where the conversation is going and mention it, but they keep going in that direction; FLAG
- If they ask something like "what are you wearing"; FLAG
- If you tell them you are not going to discuss something, but they ask or talk about it anyway; FLAG
- If they start TELLING you to do something, perform some act or cross a boundary you have already set; FLAG
- IF they ask you to start performing some sexual act while online with them; HUGE FLAG
- If you start feeling uncomfortable with the general conversation; FLAG - your inner-protector will let you know most of the time. There is nothing wrong with saying "I feel very uncomfortable talking about this with you". If they are really here to support or help you, they should apologize immediately and back off; if they don't; FLAG
- If they ask odd questions about your current family or personal offline friends, not relevant to the conversation and not just "chit-chat"; FLAG
Again, hope this helps - add as you feel appropriate
Have a great day and again, Peace!
Steve
Well done in this post! I often worry about the younger survivors and the women on these sites since I know there's probably some sick individuals that lurk in the shadows on these sites. This is not like the physical world where I can go into those shadows and go after those individuals, so especially you ladies please read these carefully. Once again, great post! May everyone here find the Peace and Serenity that you all truly deserve, Blaine
Strength and peace to you also my friend,
Thank you for taking the time to write about online flags to watch for; very helpful post.
What was not helpful to me was referring to survivors as "damaged." At one time I would have said it's just semantics and remind myself not to get caught up in it.
And I'd fight with myself about words just being words. But, for the most part, words reflect our belief systems and survivors who feel or believe they are damaged "don't feel like /they're/ worth anything." (quoted from another survivor).
I also remember complaining to Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements, that words were just words and nothing more. But he said that words were powerful and to be mindful of the words I used, both spoken and written.
I forget to be mindful of my words at times so appreciate any reminders. And I hope, Refuse2quite, that you, too, will consider the power of words in your future posts and appreciate reminders.
Again, thank you for the red flags, seems like you covered the bases.
xx
SuzA
I have only had one experience here where someone stated they had a friend who had been abused and the friend felt there were positive aspects and then wondered what we saw as a positive. I can't see someone with a 'friend' taking the time to look up a board and post such an insensitive statement. I still do not believe that poster was who they said they were nor that the post was legitimate.
Many felt differently than I did, and that's ok. We are all unique even tho' we have a common bond.
I agree whole-heartedly about word being very powerful and leaving HUGE imprints on us. It has been a while since I have talked about my abuse and generally worked with others, mainly since I have been out of the workforce for 2 years. This may sound like an excuse, but it really isn't; it is an explanation. You are pointing out some excellent 'flubs" on my part and reminding me to be more aware of how I am trying to get a point across. Again, you are correct, as you pointed out in another post, I am not thinking before submitting the post. Good perspective.
Again, if anyone knows how to edit a post once it has been submitted, please share that with me. I occasionally get tunnel vision about some things, but I never intend to offend.
Thanks for the little reminder to read and re-read my posts before I submit.
The only exception wasn't even that pervy.
He added me, we started chatting...and then suddenly when I told him I was married?
Oops, he had something urgent to attend to offline...;p
Bottom line? If someone creeps you out put them on ignore, keep your profile private, communication friends-only.
There are LOTS of other sites where perviness is the expected behavior, and all the pervs should go there and be pervy.
I don't want to get perved at, shouted at, flamed or trolled, and I block freely.
We need to look out for this on ANY internet site.
To all, a good night.
@Refuse...I too am guilty of writting something then hitting the add button a little to quickly. I hate that moment when you read your post once you post it and think darn...that didn't come out right. Thank you for posting the "flub".
Appreciate being corrected as it is so easy to forget to "stand in others shoes" at times
Refuse2quit
Wanted to send you a private thank you but since your profile is private I will say a public thank you and let you know your feedback is important to me.
xx
SuzA