I wish I could say something that might help but all I can think of is that I hold the same fears as you do in relationships. Does saying the words change anything? You'd still feel it even if you hadn't said it.

As for your dad - your need to be cuddled and loved is completely natural and the fact that he twisted that is not in any way your fault.

I wonder if you're confusing being destroyed with being alive. I know it hurts all the time and that sucks, but the part of your post that gave me pause was
" I know I'm just going to get tormented in the end by grief and the guilt of knowing I hurt them terribly".
In my experience love in this world includes torment and hurt, but does that make it a mistake? I spent so much time feeling nothing, that love with its pain makes me feel alive. Maybe I've got it all mixed up, but I think you could at least delete the guilt from your experiences and the calling yourself stupid. You're alive, sure, but that doesn't make you stupid. And by alive I mean loving.

...I hate that I need anybody.
...I hate that I can't keep myself safe.

I feel gross and dirty and helpless.

You mean emotionally safe? That's tough alright. There is love all around you i believe. You belong there. I hope you can accept yourself as a legitimate person.

You may not be keeping yourself safe by saying I love you, But like the other said you would still mean it so there is know harm in saying it. In keeping yourself safe, well you are by coming here. Learn to trust those around you. Those that do believe in you. You are so much more than you think. In just reading this post it makes me want to just give you a hug cause I feel the same. Dirty, hopeless and worthless over my incident. Not everyone who loves you is out to destroy you remember that. It's your past that makes you tell yourself this inside. Fight it. It's Ok to have said I love you.

hugs to you hylie -

it is wonderful that you can feel love and express it - this is a good thing. we all need to be touched and to touch with love and tenderness. your GF is not your dad, and you did not tell her you loved her because you were trying to get her to give you affection.

If you said it automatically before you felt it because of your patterns, talk to GF about the situation. tell her you care about her and want to spend time with her but you are not sure about what all of your feelings mean considering the ways you have been hurt in the past and the coping mechanisms you have.

I'm laughing at myself as I write this - I hope my ideas are useful to you hylie but you probably remember I am celibate and not even attempting to date so what do I know about these kinds of conversations? haha.

I think you are a wonderful person. I liked you from the first entries I read from you on these boards. You are not destroyed and you are not trying to hurt anyone. Love is there for you all the time in the love you can offer yourself. Be compassionate. We all make mistakes all the time. It 's being a human being. We are here to balance the light and the dark within and when we can show love and compassion for all including ourselves we have achieved the balance. peace to you my brave and smart friend.