yes, loum50. I used to barricade myself with pillows (ha) against the footsteps in the dark. I am not sure I dissociated completely into alters, but I know that was my coping mechanism too. I dissociated by checking out and forgetting, being somewhere else, and also by becoming angry (though never at my abuser or anyone who frightened me - only at others who unbeknownst to them triggered me). There is a self-destructive part for me too - it is total withdrawal or forced withdrawal by driving away the person who is trying to connect with me. I get depressed. Because I have two kids who depend on me, I mostly keep myself functioning, but when they are not with me, I drift a lot.

Not sure if that helps, but I am here for you loum. As more of the puzzle comes together, please keep sharing so you will feel less alone. It seems to me that we get self-destructive when we feel alone. Do you think that is connected too?

I should have also added that I also pretended to be asleep - didn't work of course.

That memory of what happened in my bedroom may be hitting closer to conscious memory because I remember pretending I was asleep didn't work either. He started coming toward me and the memory stops.

I was trained to embrace fear. What would normally terrify the average person, makes me become very calm, hyper alert and ready to attack. I have even had people say "weren't you scared"? and I say about what? They look at me strange and I feel as if something is missing inside me. There's only one thing I truly fear, and I married her. LOL Just had to throw that in there.
It's really good that your getting those pieces to your puzzle, It took me about 3 years before mine was complete. Many of your pieces will have pain associated with them, yet working through that pain will ease that considerably. Your doing very well, just never give up and you will achieve Freedom! I'm finally tasting it. My Best, Blaine