Incest Survivors Support Group

Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...

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loum50 12/27/2011

A few days ago someone posted something in here that triggered a new memory. It's good that I was able to remember but for some reason I'm really struggling with it. It seems so stupid. I remembered my father made me kiss him on the lips. I didn't realize it was a new memory at the time. The feelings sort of creeped up on me. First I was feeling some anxioty, then I wanted to eat even though I wasn't hungry. For me that's a sign I don't want to feel something. Then I wanted to hurt myself. I'm trying to sort it out. I think I'm feeling a lot of shame over it. I was young, but I don't know how old. I remember it as feeling creepy. I know since that time I won't kiss people even on the cheek. I used to kiss my wife but somehow that we different. I'm sorry if this bothers anyone, but I'm trying to sort it out. The memory makes me angry because I'm having such a strong reaction to it. I guess what I want to know is if I'm overreacting to this. Maybe it's just because it's a new memory.

deleted_user 12/27/2011

You're not over reacting. This is a new memory and you're having to process it. New memories do this to me too. I have them, think I've dealt with them, think I've escaped and then wallop! I'm out of action for a few days or a couple of weeks.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Keep telling yourself that. Look after yourself as you wish you'd been looked after when it happened.

Take it easy, let yourself work it out, process it. Do whatever you need to do, be that self pity or distraction.

It will get better. When you have finished processing it, you will feel better again. You know that. You've been here before and you've got better before.

I'm with you. We're all with you. You're not alone any more.

loum50 12/27/2011

Thanks

deleted_user 12/27/2011

My experience lately is to minimize my own traumatic feelings. Also everybody else discounts the injuries of CSA children so why not us as well? What I'm trying to say is, no you are not overreacting. I think your injured child inside you is trying to tell you something very painful happened to him and adult you is eating and in other ways trying to suppress the information. Man in that boat myself right now. I understand how hard and painful it is to learn of yet another horrible and creepy assed thing happened to you as a child and now you have to remember. It's hard and painful for the adult too. Your injured child really needs you to remember so you can cope better than he does and you can be a source of strength for him. It's important to that inner boy to tell you. Like I said I'm right there with you right now. I hope you can help him and love him during this time when you are both in distress. Take care and peace.

loum50 12/28/2011

Thank you so much. The support on DS means so much to me. I've been having nightmares again this week which I haven't had in years. I am trying to be good to my inner child. I have an inner child meditation. My New Years resolution is to write in my journal and do at least one meditation every day.

nelliefay 12/28/2011

Like the others have said, you are not 'over reacting'. Your feelings are valid. It might SEEM like a minor thing, but it's not at all. your father crossed the line sexually with you, and that's a huge line to cross.
I say this because when i was 19, my brother tried to tongue kiss me. I wouldn't let him, but the emotional impact of him crossing the line was just huge. For one thing, I fell back on myself, and felt I couldn't trust anyone. I also remember a sense of shock. And since then, I've had plenty of nightmares where my brother takes advantage of me sexually.
Your feelings are valid, be kind and accepting of yourself.

loum50 12/28/2011

I went to therapy tonight and I was able to talk about this memory. She wanted to know if I could feel angry about it. It's easy for me to be angry at what happened to someone else, but so hard for me to be angry for what happened to me. I can be angry at myself but I need to let out the anger at my father. Sometimes I can, but so hard. Maybe I can act as if I am to start getting the anger out. I know it's there. Sometimes I can feel it and the anger feels like a bottomless pool, but I turn that anger on myself. I hate that. I am starting to feel it a little. I am physically crippled. I feel like an emotional cripple as well. That I can be angry at. That's what he did to me. What he did to me has had such a profound affect on my entire life that I have been emotionally crippled my entire life.

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