I don't have an answer for you at this moment but just want to extend my heartfelt sympathy at the way your family continues to subject you to cruelty and betrayal. The message they're sending you is that you don't matter, that only your mother mattered, and that you should have betrayed your own feelings to cater to her no matter what. Well that's a lie. You DO matter. And your mother should have protected you, or if she wasn't in a position to protect you when it happened then she should have stood by you and comforted you when you revealed it later.

Basically, your mother put her own comfort and convenience above your life and the truth. That man murdered your soul and no doubt caused you a lifetime of anguish. No, you don't owe your parents your body and soul. You matter. It matters that he hurt you so terribly. Those aunts of yours must be very distorted personalities to treat you like this and I am very sorry and very angry on your behalf.

(((comforting hugs)))

I agree with everything Donna said.

My family treated me like trash too...that's a complicated situation. But I did nothing wrong and neither did you. I ditched my family eventually and wished I'd done it sooner.

I can't say this strongly enough, you don't owe your aunts the time of day. Just ignore them and try to put the whole mess behind you. And trust me on this, I know exactly how difficult it is to distance yourself from family emotionally.

You deserve to have a chance to make a life for yourself without having a bunch of garbage dumped on you. Maybe you could send letters telling your aunts that you would be happy with no contact with them...and telling them they ought to be ashamed of themselves.

Just do whatever works for you, and don't let them drag you down.

I got a nasty email from my sister after disclosure. It was a cruel email. The therapist I had at the time suggested that I don't reply to the email but share my feelings with those who are trustworthy. It was hard not to respond but I'm glad that I didn't send her the email. She does not deserve to know a thing about my feelings.

I suggest no contact. These people seem relentless in their delusion. You deserve better. It's incredibly difficult to disclose.

Here's the thing I think maybe I need to write them. I agree I don't owe them anything. I feel as if I need to tell them exactly that. I wrote and rewrote letters last night. I am trying to be civil in the letters but want themb to know exactly what I think of their opinions.

I understand that need. If you wait awhile, it passes. I ended up doing something with the original email my sister sent me. I printed it off, transferred it so the words were backwards (her perception was very much backwards) and splattering paint all over it. I no longer feel any need to contact her and I'm glad I didn't open the door for her to spew more abuse in my direction.

If you feel safe enough, you could always share the letters you wrote in here. You will get constructive, helpful feedback from people with good judgment. If you respond to them, you are opening up the door for communication. They don't deserve that, in my opinion.

wilteddaisy,

I'd suggest writing as many letters as you need to and saying all that you're feeling--only don't send them, yet. Give yourself time to discover what kind of pain lies beneath your anger. Once you discover that then you'll be in a better position to make the decision that will serve you best.

I think it's also important to know what is driving your "need" to respond. Self-defense? Relationship with aunts? Guilt? Anger? Potential loss of family? Validation? What?

I think if you can name it it will help you write the letter that will settle your "rattled" brain.

I know it's hard to be betrayed by those family members who cannot or will not face ugly truths, but our healing does not depend on them. Stay true to yourself.

xx
SuzA

I am so sorry for what you have experienced.

I agree with the other comments too and particularly want to encourage you to do as Suz suggested. Writing letters that won't be mailed is a freeing thing in my experience. Write them until you understand what you need and what you want from the process, but don't mail the letters until you are clear on this.

For what it is worth, I know a person whose husband was sexually inappropriate to an adopted grandchild. This woman is someone I have known all my life as a kind, funny, and sweet person. Yet she missed what happened under her own nose because it was unfathomable to her. She just couldn't accept it. Now, her daughter refuses to have any relationship with her, and this woman who lived in denial is haunted by all of it. she divorced the man and she is horrified by him but the damage was done by the time she divorced him. This person I am telling you about had the financial means to divorce him and the marriage was a second marriage .. .he was not the father of her children nor did he help her raise her children .... so it had to have been easier for her than it was for your mom to process and make a decision.

I don't say that to suggest an excuse for her, but ultimately the best healing I have experienced has been to accept that those who wronged me were human, flawed human beings, some deeply flawed, and their failures towards me were about them, not about me, so how do I understand them? How do I figure out what makes them tick enough to become at peace with how their failures impacted me?

That has been most difficult not with the man who sexually abused me, but with the woman I most depended on during my childhood - my grandmother, the one person who should have known what her husband was doing to me, and who should have protected me, but who absolutely failed me. Her failing me has been the most heartbreaking thing I have ever faced, and so I don't want you to think I am excusing your mother by what I am suggesting ... I relate to the pain you are describing and I respect what you are feeling.

Based on what you have commented, you really do want to write your aunts although they don't deserve the courtesy of a response. Maybe this is the kind of letter you are interested in writing:

Dear Aunt ....

I am sad to read your letter. Your letter tells me you don't understand who I am and worse, you have no interest in trying. I did not cause my mother's choices or her feelings. Of course you feel grief for her and want to blame someone. It would be justice for you to blame her husband. Instead you are choosing to scapegoat me. I am writing you back to let you know that my mother is beyond all of this, and where she is, she knows I have been telling the truth, and she wants me to feel loved in spite of how you are lashing out against me. She would want you to be kind to me, and one day, you will know this is true. Until then, I want you to know that I have peace of mind because I am being true to myself, and because I know I was loved by my mother, and I know that where she is now, she knows I have loved her too.

Wishing you peace of mind,
....

wow It is so not your fault . why did they send such a nasty letter. They only heard your mom's side. You could just explain your side and the truth and let them feel the worse off for wanting nothing to do with you. So sorry!! that' s horrible. At least when my dad died and I told my mom she believed me and his sister did too. so so sorry you're being treated that way. ((hugs)) . It's them not you. Obviously.

Hi wilteddaisy- This is so tough because you have to be sure of what you expect to get out of this, and of being able to handle the responses. And to understand that appealing to an abuser's conscience is fruitless.They usually don't have viable inner guidelines to appeal to.

Please take to heart what others have said about getting out your frustrations on paper but not sending what you wrote. That could very well be what's best for you.

I can only say that for me, remaining silent after being attacked just re-enforced that my abusers still controlled me. I needed to stand up for my wounded Self. So I stepped out of my comfort zone and re-framed the entire situation.

I sent family members a disclosure that not only said what happened, but used preemptive strikes to answer all their nasty accusations in advance. Those zingers would never even reach me, because I made sure I wouldn't be re-victimized by changing my phone #, addy, etc. I had my BF monitor all snail mail. I found a way to put the shame where it belongs and at the same time, make it a "Goodbye, stay out of my life" letter. Ironically, now my abusers are the ones silenced.

If I had not actually sent the letter, I would always have the gnawing distress of wishing I had. So I'm just saying that personally, I needed to know that I actually followed through with it or I'd always feel like a victim.

That aside, please choose what you think is the best route for yourself. Don't beat yourself up over things you might regret doing later because that will keep you too afraid to do anything at all. Haven't we all had enough feelings of helplessness? In my case, I just let the abusers wallow in their miserable hate-fests. This scapegoat has left the building ;-)

Please remember that it's only about Your Own needs now. Take good care of yourself ((hugs))