You're not revolting. You're absolutely not.

I think it's very good that you can see the link between making love and how you feel, now is the time to start working out how to break the link between making love and wanting to hurt yourself.

Making love to someone you love is good and normal. You have the right to enjoy it. You have the right to have pleasure with your spouse. There is nothing wrong here. The wrong was in the past, this is the present.

Hugs

I agree with Breakingtheshell - I've read your comments here and you are a kind and gentle person, you are absolutely not revolting.

I have felt that way too. The last time I had sex something happened that reminded me of prior abuse. My partner had no idea and I didn't tell him. After he left, I went to my room and curled up in the fetal position having a panic attack. I couldn't cry or anything, I just couldn't calm down. I had to keep telling myself that the guy was not the same person as my abuser and that I was safe now. After that, the bad sleep patterns re-established themselves and I became pretty whacked out. I wish I had known about this forum then. It's good that you are talking about how you feel and I think it is good that you and your spouse made love.

Remember, you have a right to feel good sexually. It is your body, your body! You get to enjoy sex. Our bodies are made to enjoy sex. We can't help it that our bodies first learned about sexual pleasure in an unsafe place with a bad person or people. But now you and your wife do have a chance to enjoy sex as a communication of love and I am glad you were able to make that effort. One day I will again too.

Breaking the link between making love and wanting to hurt hurself may be about redefining sex. This is something I have read about but I'm not there emotionally yet - I still have panic attacks - but for what it is worth here is something from this book I read that may be good to journal about - so if you feel like cutting or hurting yourself, can you pick up a pen and just write about this -

What we learned: sex is uncontrollable, sex is hurtful, sex is a commodity, sex is secretive, sex has no moral boundaries.

What we can learn now about sex when we are safe: sex is a natural biological drive, sex is powerful heaing energy, sex is part of life itself, sex is conscious and responsible, sex is an expression of love, sexual experiences are mutually desired.

The author also talks about affirmations to heal - which I keep searching for the right affirmations but I am trying out whatever I can find. Lately I've felt so much rage at my abusers and also deep self-loathing and hatred because I am having such a hard time managing my emotions and work and raising two kids alone that I've lost my temper with my daughter and yelled at her and feel absolutely horrible, just like my parents did to me making me feel like nothing. ANyway, here are some affirmations I like:

I am safe

Sex is communication about love

Sex is a choice

I am innocent

I am pure

I am loved (my daughter writes that one for me on my mirror sometimes)

I have a voice

I am heard

This book, called The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz, is designed for couples. I have not read many books on the topic, but it really helped me tremendously. There is a lot of good practical advice about avoiding triggers and setting boundaries on sexual experiences so that we do not relive our abuse or inadvertently have a replay of something that was abusive in the past but is not intended to be so by our sexual partner.

Hugs to you - I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I hope my long ramblings helped in some way.

I agree: The Sexual Healing Journey is a really, really good book.

Paige Wendy Maltz is brilliant! She also has a website.

http://www.healthysex.com/page/home

Opps I meant Paige and Dragonfly*

thanks Wheezie. :-)

I totally understand that feeling. "normal" people glow after sex-they feel relaxed and drift off to sleep. I feel panicked--gross, and terrible-just like you are describing. I have not had sex in almost 5 years because of it. I have no partner because of it. I want to heal from this crap so i can be more normal. It hurts so much that something that is supposed to be an expression of love represents pain for me. I want it to change. I didn't think it was possible but after reading some of these posts, maybe there is hope for us.

I had been able to have sex by simply shutting my brain down and getting it over with as fast as possible so my brain could not catch up...my partner hates this, though.
We did it with candles and music and such...The idea of that has always creeped me out.
I can't stand the idea of sex being a romantic act, honestly.
I hate myself for having a sex drive.
Glorifying my nasty urges seems like putting a turd in a fancy display box.

We did it her way, she enjoyed it...I enjoyed it until it was over, then I just felt unutterably filthy.
I'm not actually saying "I'm disgusting, I need to die," so it's gotten a bit better over the day...
I've mostly resisted the urge to self-injure, so that's progress, I suppose.

oh, hylierandom, sounds like progress as to how you are treating yourself now but can I suggest you try out that book and ask your partner to read it with you? The therapist includes so much material that is helpful for the surivivor and for the survivor's partner. I hope you don't mind my butting into your business, but it's not fair to you to 'do it her way.' There must be a way that you and your partner can have sex that allows it to be your way as much as hers, so that you are not dissociating but really communicating with her.

Hugs to you, hylierandom - practice saying some positive things about yourself - how good and kind you are for a start!