Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
My therapist has been talking to me about my father alot. She asks if I ever think about bringing him into my therapy so she can " fix" things. I keep telling her no, I don't want to have any contact with my dad. I keep thinking. He's 56 this year. He's going to die soon and I'm his daughter. I always fantasize myself talking at my fathers funeral. Im just standing up there, saying nothing. What do I say? " Hi, I'm his daughter. I'm the one he almost beat to death. He was a confused man. Oh but everyone says he's a good father, because all except one child turned out perfect. All the others were able to forget or they stand in denial. But no, I accepted it, and look what it's done to me. I'm glad I don't have to live in fear anymore...." No, I couldn't say that in front of everyone, they would hate me more. They wouldn't believe me. They would just say , " oh she's just crazy. She's the crazy one in the family, she's lying." I talked to me sister about our Father once, she said she remembered. She said he was just trying to protect us. He was confused. He was a young father. Yeah right. He hit all his children. My brother got out as soon as he could, I just wish I would have took me with him.... He watched sometimes. He watched father punish us. My brother beat me up to, everyone did. I hardly know my brother because he left along time ago. I saw him right before I went into the hospital. He came to tell us about the divorce... It was he first time I saw him cry.... It broke my heart. I think me and my brother get it. What father did was wrong. So we have to get out. We both have to escape..... No, I don't think I would attend my fathers funeral. I think I would just cry.... Cry because he wouldn't be there to beat me for it. I can't wait til that day. The day I can finally cry. I also think about my future children. What do I tell them. That I was abandoned and they have no relatives. What if they notice something wrong with there mother. What if they find out she's mentally ill, that she's crazy. I don't want to have to tell them about there grandfather and relatives. I don't want to drag them into it. That's why I'm scared to have children as well. Because they'll find out the terrible past..... I don't know. This is just what's on my mind if it makes sense. Thanks for listening.
Are you able to talk about being beaten by him with her?
Maybe if you did she'd stop bringing it up?
Write the speech you want to read at his funeral.
Read it to your therapist.
I think writing the speech is a great idea. Give yourself permission to write exactly what you would like to say and keep writing until you have said it all.
And I agree with what's been said... write the speech you'd give at your funeral and then share that with your therapist. That speech would be very powerful.
((Hugs))
Black rose... Oi!! I'm 54, it's not that old these days you know! (Unless he's dying of something - don't presume too much).
He might go on for ages. (((((((Hug))))))))))) though, My Dad thrashed me, broke bones and destroyed me emotionally too. I used to fantasise about his death when I was a teenager. When he died, I was 22 and I felt SO relieved - I stopped being a druggy/junkie almost overnight.
But
Now I know why he started to hate me, because everytime I walked into the room he got a mental image of me and his father involved in sexual congress -
NOW I know how my loving father turned into the man who beat me up.
Now I am old, two years younger than when he died.
My point is now I feel differently. I could actually forgive him.
I don't know why or how badly your father roughed you up, but maybe you could do the joint therapy thing while you have the chance to put all your angry feelings on the person who deserves them and he will have to listen to you. It is an opportunity for you to dump your negative feeling where and on whom they belong.
Time changes things, I have also to decide whether I should confront my aunt, who was an enabler - not an abuser. She's in her 80's, I have to decide soon, trouble is - time has changed her into an exact replica of her father, my abuser and seeing her on Skype has triggered so many horrid memories........
My advice would be take any chance you can to avoid loose ends - unresolved issues - because these will come back to haunt you when you have your own children.
The very first thing that happened was my siblings trying to guilt me into dropping everything to catch a flight to see him. Also, before finding out about how he was, I found that this sister argued with mom, and that sister cursed my little brother over the phone because she doesn't want to talk to him, and my mom yelled at my brother, and my mom was trying to avoid anyone to call my little sister. I am 3000 miles away from them and all I heard for 2 days before finding about him was that crap.
I made decisions regarding my family. (1) I am not going to anyone's funeral, period. And they know it - that's why they were so pushy (2) I decided to not depend on them and not have them in my life (3) It's not my job to make them see the light; they are not the kind of people I want in my life, period.
So I know that every situation and family dynamic is different, but I made the best choice I could regarding them. There was enough opportunity for my family to be more functional and they don't care. So why do I have to expose myself to their dysfunction?
Sorry about the rant. I don't mean to hijack your post; I just want to provide support and let you know that there are choices and that sometimes we have to make decisions that protect us but aren't that great.