Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
from as young as 3 or 4 I would watch porn videos with my dad often, when my mum wasnt home. I just thought it was normal for everyone to be having sex so at about the age of 6 or 7 I started to have sex with other boys around my age, and I hate to admit it but one was my younger brother. I always started it and told them what to do. This went on for about 5 years. I guess as I got older and learnt what sex was all about and when it was appropriate to do it, I stopped. I then didnt have sex again until I met my current husband at the age of 16. I feel so ashamed and disgusted for abusing those boys and often wonder did I ruin there lives like mine is because of what happened. I am 43 now and I dont feel worthy of anything good, I feel so disgusting and feel like a criminal...which I am. There are probably some of you here who were abused by someone like me, an older brother or sister. I am having counselling now and finding it hard to let anything positive in. I have so much hatred toward myself...I hate what my dad did..but I dont hate him as much as I hate myself.ive never brought it up with him and dont think I ever will. It all just hurts so much. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.
You were drawn into those behaviors before you had the mental, emotional and moral ability to make a choice.
But as soon as you reached an age of reason, you understood and you stopped. Wow!! If only everyone old enough to make moral choices chose not to abuse! If only your dad had made that choice.
You have done the only thing you could do, under your circumstances. It is tragic that your actions hurt others, and that you are left holding the guilt. That is another injury your father has left you with. The responsibility for what you did to other boys is on his shoulders.
I hope you can find a way to forgive yourself. I think that most of us would forgive those who abused us if they felt as remorseful as you do. If only that happened!
I believe we all have things in our past that we regret, bad things we did when we didn't know any better. It's part of being human. All we can do is try to do better when we do know. I think it's remarkable that you recognized that what you were doing was wrong and stopped. The people who really disgust and enrage me are those who reach the age of reason and still give themselves permission to hurt children, or who deny and enable those who hurt children. I think under the ugly circumstances you were raised in, you did the absolute best you could do.
I am working through how I feel about it now with my counselor.....I guess the constant reassurance that its not my fault helps also...i need to keep hearing it.
I guess I am stronger than I think....being able to stop abusing when I got to an age where I realised it was wrong.. even when I did enjoy doing it.(hate that I enjoyed it)....... it could have turned out so much worse...i could have ended up pregnant at a young age, or in jail for abuse....never thought of it that way.