It's no different when a female parent abuses a male child...abuse is abuse. I was abused by my older sister, and I never told anyone either.

It causes us all kinds of problems in our lives. I've never had an intimate relationship that lasted more than a few months...I think it might be because memories of my sister coming onto me still haunt my subconscious. Sex became something repulsive for me, which is understandable since I was only a little kid when these things went on.

My mother drank a lot, she left the childrearing to my sister. So I understand some of your feelings. My mother always treated me like I was a pest she didn't want to deal with.

Don't underestimate the effect this kind of thing has on you. And above all don't be ashamed. I feel ashamed of what happened but I'm trying to learn that this is not reasonable. We were just kids trying to be kids and they didn't let us do that.

None of what happened...and none of the aftereffects...are our fault.

Hi Alexxxxm- I'm so sorry about the atrocities you've had to endure! And I wish people were more open to understanding that these things really do occur. As for your mother being a pedophile or not, I think her brain was so saturated with drugs that she probably couldn't answer that herself. Whatever she was, it resulted in unimaginable pain for you.

All I can say is that when you start feeling disgusted with yourself, please try to remember that you were in a very dangerous situation. We all know that when somebody crosses such an enormous boundary, when it becomes OK for them to sexually violate you and try to destroy you mentally, it isn't a stretch to understand they could easily try to destroy you physically too... if only to shut you up.

You had no resources to fight the mother who betrayed you, or the rapists she used for her own benefit. None.

But you did have an incredible strength within you that knew how to survive, and that's all about how you managed to get through every episode of abuse. There are times when fighting an abuser in any way might have drastic consequences. You sensed that from an early age, and developed a razor-sharp strategy of survival amid all that torture. You probably admire people (especially a child!) who has that strength of character, so why not give yourself permission to be proud of yourself too?

Really- surviving doesn't mean you just got lucky. It means that YOU found ingenious ways to save yourself against all odds. And you can call upon the courage of that little boy who felt worthy of living as you work to heal your emotional scars. If you can respect and nurture the boy who struggled so hard to live, and take it slowly and gently, I think you'll find that what it takes to heal has been inside you all along.

I hope you find all the love you richly deserve :-)

Alex, I am just so sorry this happened to you. Thank you for sharing it. I know from my own past of abuse by father and brother how other people's sins can leave you feeling a huge burden of shame and separation from the human family. It's not fair! We have to keep reminding ourselves that the shame has to go back to the one who violated our pure, innocent child self - it belongs to them, not us! And as to the separation, I'm glad you are here to find out you have a lot of good company, though I wish NONE of us belonged here.

It's good that you know you should not feel at fault. It's really good that you are expressing yourself here. Please continue to do so. There is no reason to be alone with such an overwhelming burden. And as you spend time here, you will find there are others who have been abused by women. I suspect it's way more common than people imagine. And it is horribly, horribly destructive. I am so sorry.

I didnt realize it was that bad Alex. I think you should try and communicate that with your doctor and continue to ask for therapy for yourself.

In the meantime spoil those bunnies. Its great that you can be loving and caring!

...I...just got back some repressed stuff.

Um..I already knew it was so gross to have my body respond with pleasure to what my dad was doing that I * split an alter off. * My alter came out, because mentally I could not deal with the fact that I was being made to feel good feelings.
My dad seemed to like to force me to feel pleasure. (BARF!)

But then Dadtook me to this party, and I think he might have gotten paid rental fees?
Anyway...
...having my body puppeted to orgasm like that while someone was watching and getting off on it?

EUUUUUGH!!! Gawd, it was yucky! Humiliating!

She puppeted your body the way my dad did my body...there was no way to stop her from getting arousal out of you, your nerve ends work whether your brain wants them to or not.
She had no business violating you in that awful, awful way. That was not hers. That was not theirs

Your body.

Well..thankyou for posting. I have never opened up so much in my life about my mom performing oral on me when I was 16. For a guy it may not seem so tragic..but this group has helped me to heal and is so supportive. .i always feel like a freak because of the way I am.
.

Weather, it seems totally tragic for a guy. Your mother should be someone you can feel completely safe with, someone who will respect and protect your boundaries. To be violated by your own mother, to have sex injected into a relationship that should be founded on love, tenderness and protection, is deeply tragic.

Thank you donnawanda for the comment..you're so sweet. I guess that's why my sex life will never be "normal".. I guess I'll always be kinky..not the violent or perv type..just somebody who enjoys the mother..son..roleplay..oh well.could be worse..

It's true, Weather...sometimes we just have to accept ourselves as we truly are. I know my sexual responses aren't "normal".

My theory is that sexual abuse of children is way more common that anyone realizes. I think that people who have strange sexual quirks may have acquired them from being abused.

But hey...let's be clear about this...NO SHAME! If any shaming is to be done, it belongs with those who violated the trust that children have for adults who care for them.

So if we're not "plain vanilla"...I don't think that's important at all. Different isn't bad, different can be good.