It's never too late to change that relationship. Yes you'll probably be faced with much hostility which may last a very long time (son's healing), but new nurturing mother son relationship can be achieved. Perhaps a heart to heart letter to you son may be a good start, but remember you may not get the response you wish for, yet don't give up. Either way, it will be a good thing since healing will happen...

I can relate to being afraid to have a son. I was afraid that the abuse I'd survived at the hands of males would be taken out on a son and with a daughter I could use my knowledge to protect her.

Going forward from here will take strength and it's clear you are willing and want a good relationship. I hope other mothers with the same issue will guide you.

As to other mothers who have done better, they may have had more help, better circumstances etc.. Give yourself credit for what you have accomplished.

Hugs and more hugs.

I understand too well the pain and regrets. I wanted to be the great mother I never had - that was my conscious ambition - but fell short. I was not conscious enough and healed enough. I had a daughter, but what I didn't expect and therefore wasn't aware of until too late was that she triggered the hell out of me, with many negative consequences. I have a son too, by the way, who also triggers me now that he's a teen, but much less. With her, it started at age 3.

I understand what you say about framing the relationship in terms of guilt and regrets. That doesn't help him, does it? And putting his welfare above your own immediate feelings is actually being the great mom you aspire to. It's important to think about what bests serves him before reacting, so you don't send the wrong messages. The wrong messages would be "I was a bad mom so you're really messed up for life" and things like that. Teaching him to disrespect you would not be good parenting either.

If you respect yourself and honor yourself for WHO you are and what you've survived and how far you've come, that is a gift to him too, because who you are is going to reflect on how he feels about himself. It's hard and complicated and I struggle with it myself all the time. But this is one gift our kids give us - that we push ourselves beyond our capabilities, for their sake. Every time you do that, know that you are being a great mom. It really isn't too late - I think anyone with a destructive parent can attest how much it would mean if that parent was willing to grow and behave unselfishly towards us, even now. The great challenge lies in figuring out what truly serves the kid - and berating yourself, crushing yourself with guilt and regret, and disrespecting yourself, does not.

I read something the other day that struck a cord with me and I have decided to try to use it to improve my emotional contact with my kids.

Too often when we listen to someone we are too busy thinking how we should reply, and we are not listening in order to understand.

Only it was written better than that!

I think forgiving yourself for being human and not being a perfect mother is a good first step, and the second step is a sincere intention to change and make things better. If this is there, your son will sense it and you will work it out.

Hugs.

Blaine, pumpkinpumpkin, donnawanda, and Breaking....

Thank you so much for your thoughts and words. There is something about being heard and supported with Truth that I find both comforting and healing.

I've decided to print out my post and your responses (minus your names) and send them to my son. Perhaps it will help pave the way for a different beginning.

I am grateful for each of you.

xx
SuzA

Suz, I think that is a great idea to send this to your son, and I hope it opens a door for him to talk with you in a healing way for both of you.

I agree with all the other comments. We can't be the perfect parent we expect of ourselves and do all that we wish our parents had done for us. Part of the legacy of surviving child abuse and perhaps especially child sexual abuse is being too hard on ourselves. we judge ourselves so harshly.

It's interesting what you say about sons. I believe I felt the same way deep down without understanding what I was feeling because I always wanted a daughter if I could have only one child. I used to say I wanted a son first so he could be the protective big brother to the daughter I always expected to have.

Ultimately, our kids just need us to love them and accept them. Even if you can't show it the way you want to show it, Suz, I know this: because of how you have helped all of us here with your wisdom and love, you love and accept your son unconditionally.

I try to make sure my kids know that is true. Sometimes they don't realize it. Sometimes they are afraid to be honest with me about their fears. Sometimes my daughter is resentful for what she doesn't have and launches into the criticism mode of where she sees me going wrong, especially after I have called attention to something I want her to be accountable for.

I thank the Universe/God/Goddess that my son is like me in personality. He is not Other even though he is male. It may help Suz to emphasize with your son what you two have in common. I know that has helped me with both of my children - they both like hearing about what is the same between us.

I see a lot of my ex in my son in terms of physical likeness. This might become harder for me as my son gets older. For now, he is still a sweet boy who has not hit puberty.

Be easy on yourself Suz. You are a wonderful person with many gifts. Your son is also. The two of you will find the way.

gentle hugs to you my friend

oh and by the way the doctor was a real jerk. the right thing to do would be to listen to your reasons and feelings not judge you and reject you and threaten to give your baby away to someone else. Sheesh.

when I found out I was pregnant with my son I was overwhelmed because I was not ready for a second child. I told the nurse, "how am I going to do this?" I gave her a few details of my life about why. Rather than judge me for not wanting to be pregnant, she just reassured me that I would be able to do it. She said it pretty convincingly, and I actually felt reassured. On the way home though I prayed to God, "please let him like to sleep."

anyway, couldn't resist criticizing the doc. He was not following the do no harm mantra was he. And he is an authority figure. What he said to you had to have been damaging. what does he know about you, though? Nothing important. So his remarks have to be swept aside as meaningless drivel.

take care Suz

Dragonfly,

Can't find the words to thank you for your reply. Touched me deeply.

xxxxx
SuzA

Please do follow up and let us know how it goes with your son, if you care to.