I am so sorry about what you have been through. of course it was not your fault and your mother is in complete denial because she can't handle her own accountability.

You do have a choice though. You don't have to take care of her. If it is too painful for you (understandably) then step away from that role. Your first duty is to yourself. take care of you before you try to take care of another.

I hope this encouragement helps -

Thank you and yes it has helped a lot. I was carrying the responsibility of keeping the family together for many many years. I feel SO guilty when I try to step away. I don't know how to deal with the guilt.

If your mother is anything like mine, you will discover that despite all her spoken and/or unspoken claims to the contrary, when you step away she copes just fine.
She might make a play that you are being selfish, that you owe her - but that's all it is, a play. When you see her managing fine it will help you to allow the guilt to go where it belongs - in the garbage. It won't go all at once, but little by little and every bit counts.

In the meantime google narcissistic mothers...it might help.

Thank You so Much. Validation is big for me.