I don't know about all the way here, I also dissociate. Not all the time though. I definately have trouble with lots of people when I am. When I'm in a room with other people I try to position myself with my back to a wall and so I can see all the people in the room. My former therapist said that I track people. I am also a programmer. At work I used to sit in the back and I could see everyone in the room. Since they changed that arround, my back is now to everyone in the room and I definately dissociate and loose myself in my work. If someone comes up behind me I nearly jump out of my skin. My therapist wants me to work on being more present but I don't think that is possible in situations where I can't track everyone in the room.

I know I track people, I also subconsciously register body tension. One of the reasons my wife has become a trigger...she gets muscle tension when concentrating...I read that and all my defenses come online, I keep waiting for her to hit me (She never has).

I hate not being able to put my back to a wall, watching the entrances when in public. I would not feel safe unless I could.

I sure would love if there was a concrete timeline!

I can only share how long it took for me. I spent a few months feeling totally raw and vulnerable and hyper-sensitive. Flashbacks and grief and constantly being hit with reality and awareness. Like the damn had broken. Then I spent a year incredibly tired. Chronically tired.

I did find some help in treating the adrenal glands with some vitamins. They tend to get overloaded while you are integrating the past.

Your description of supermarkets reminds me of something I read once about the black arm bands. They were used to help others understand that someone was in grieving so that if they had a meltdown in public it would be understood that they had just lost someone in the war. I wish we could have black armbands or something similar to explain! I found going to the supermarket totally exhausting. Being around others is draining.

This is interesting to me because I am pretty much the opposite. I feel the need to constantly be surrounded by people. Being alone is draining on me.
At times I go inside my own head tho and I totally lose track of what is going on around me. I don't know if this is disociation or not tho. A lot of these terms are new to me since being on DS so while I understand them by definition, I'm still trying to understand how the apply to me or not. It's helping to understand myself and why I do things.
Good healing to all of you!

So this is what I have to look forward to? My blankets are definitely less foggy than they were and every so often I wonder if this is it - apparently not. God I want to live! I want to taste life, even if it triggers.

@ Breakingtheshell...I think most people don't just have their subconscious rip the bandaid off... O.O

OW!

I relate to a lot of what you wrote. I grew up very dissociated too. I was also triggered by grocery stores. I have no idea why but I would turn into a child when I went to Trader Joes with a friend of mine. I have integrated and feel very grounded now. Not 100% healed, but very consistently grounded and no longer dissociative. For me, it took six years of intense therapy. It seemed like forever and I never ever thought it would take so long when I started. But now that I am through the worst of it, it was worth all the trouble, pain and effort.

This week has been particularly hard for me with memories and I have been comming out of my dissociative state and more in the real. I call it being 3D, its scary. I feel like I am in this alternate reality or a movie and someone forgot to give me the new script. I have been getting on the internet for hours just surfing mind numbing things but if I don't occupy my brain I am so anxious I want to scream.

There is a website www.excelatlife.com where there are some wonderful guided meditations. There is one for panic attacks. I use it. If you go to the website scroll to the bottom of the page and click on downloads. There are relaxation and mindfulness meditations too.