Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
This is something I said to someone who asked me the question:
"Is loving oneself and spoiling oneself synonymous?"
I replied thusly:
"Loving oneself in action is doing what one needs to do to be happy. This is not only difficult but takes discipline."
"Spoiling yourself is sitting around whining how miserable you are and not doing something to fix the problem.
Think a drug addict or an alcoholic. Or someone who complains that they just keep getting fatter while sitting there eating a family-size bag of potato chips.
That's "spoiling."
Loving yourself in action means being kind but firm, like a good parent is. You want to grow to your full magnificence, out of love."
A lot of us were made weak by people who wanted us weak. The better to use us.
It makes you a lot stronger if you love yourself.
Right now I'm working on loving myself.
"Is loving oneself and spoiling oneself synonymous?"
I replied thusly:
"Loving oneself in action is doing what one needs to do to be happy. This is not only difficult but takes discipline."
"Spoiling yourself is sitting around whining how miserable you are and not doing something to fix the problem.
Think a drug addict or an alcoholic. Or someone who complains that they just keep getting fatter while sitting there eating a family-size bag of potato chips.
That's "spoiling."
Loving yourself in action means being kind but firm, like a good parent is. You want to grow to your full magnificence, out of love."
A lot of us were made weak by people who wanted us weak. The better to use us.
It makes you a lot stronger if you love yourself.
Right now I'm working on loving myself.
I agree with much of what you say, but our abusers have used the "do what makes you happy" approach to rationalizing their abuse - my uncle used to day "if it feel good do it" and he was so self centered he did not see the harm he was inflicting on me. And he was generally what you would call a "happy" person. There is not a lot of consideration for others in this approach. I understand you were not condoning abuse, but sometimes, loving yourself means at times you will not be "happy" - maybe being "happy" is not the end all of our existence. There are times that I am not "happy" with the results of some of my actions, but I still know what I did was the right thing to do.
As a survivor of abuse, I realize that many of us do need to learn to love ourselves at the basic level, but there is a fine line between healthy self-love and narcissism. And it is a line that many of us do not see. There has to be a balance between self love and self constraint.
I would add the caveat of "as long as your being happy does not infringe on the rights and well being of others.". Maybe that is what was missing..... not sure.
Again, I agree with your overall post as many survivors do not seem to love themselves wholly - but loving yourself does not always mean you will be happy - just content - that is good enough for me.
Just two of my cents!
Refuse2quit
Agreed, absolutely agreed.
*********
Though I think a lot of our abusers were "spoiling" themselves in the same way a drug addict does.
Getting a sort of "fix" from us.
I'd argue passing on one's abuse is the same as chugging a bottle of whiskey in that respect, except the whiskey is just whiskey.
When you're compulsively using another human being, you are committing horror.
The majority of abusers lie to themselves so that it becomes ok. I'd say that shows a profound dislike and disrespect of themselves as well as the person they harm.
Not that it's an excuse or anything, mind you.
I take responsibility for my actions out of respect for myself. Abusers don't do that.
Of course, some just really have no ability to care about anyone at all. These have no conscience and no guilt.
Does what I have just stated above ring true? It's what I am thinking, but maybe I'm just incorrect?
Again, what you posted is very important - I just wanted to add that there are boundaries we have to stay within in order to respect the rights of others as we try to respect ourselves.
Good post - and thanks for making it!
Refuse2quit
IMO, the road to self-love is much like the swing of a pendulum--often times going too far in one direction or the other until we learn that self-love also includes "other-love".
I don't love others more so that I can love myself more; for me it's the opposite. I love myself more and that love spills out to others. Love is mindful of my rights AND the rights of others.
And when those boundaries are crossed I say my piece, respectfully, and when necessary, walk away.
Those survivors you've seen "...who started loving themselves and /who/ think their happiness was ALL that mattered to the point that they abused others, verbally, emotionally and at times physically--all saying they were just standing up for themselves " does not reflect self-love but confusion.
Loving yourself "...to the point that you forget others have rights also..." is not self-love either; IMO, it is again, confusion, selfishness, self-centeredness or narcissistic thinking.
The irony, to me, is that as my own self-love grows, so does my love for others. And loving others does not mean forgetting their rights or abusing them at any level.
I agree, good post.
xx
SuzA
And I agree with what you are saying also - The pendulum effect does occur and if you don't love yourself, it is impossible to truly love others. I was just adding that we have to be mindful of our actions towards others on our journey toward healing. And I agree - abusing others is often the result of confusion and not true self-love - but many times survivors are well versed in the area of confusion - it seems inherent to the abuse at times.
I was not calling anyone out or putting anyone down - this was simply an addition to what I felt was an excellent posting topic. Just my opinion, but one borne of having been a survivor and working with many survivors who were not made aware of the boundaries that we all need to have in place in order to truly reach our individual potential - I wasn't trying to offend or "set anyone straight", just add to the topic.
Again, my opinion, but one based on having dealt with many of the pitfalls that face so many survivors.
All my best-
Refuse2quit
I, too, was only adding to the topic. I didn't think you were calling anyone out or putting anyone down. I added my perspective based on my professional and personal experience.
And as I was paper purging yesterday I found a note I had written to myself on the very topic of self-love. I had written some time ago what self-love meant to me.
Self-love means:
I am patient with myself.
I am kind to me.
I challenge the negative self-talk.
I keep no record of my wrong-doings except to recall and learn new ways to be.
I rejoice in my truth.
I protect myself.
I trust myself.
I carry hope.
I stay the course of healing.
I express my feelings in healthy ways.
I care for myself.
I accept all my parts.
What does self-love mean to you?
xx
SuzA
Argh - this is what I hate about text based messaging! It is so easy to sound like you are offended or meant to offend. The written communication has no emotional inflection to judge this by. I was simply explaining myself, not saying you implied I was calling anyone out, etc. So, can we say we agree? Hope so, as this was ultimately what I meant.
Self Love - hummmmm. Good Question----
I experience self-love when;
-I respect myself;
-I truly take care of myself;
-I give myself the freedom to be me, not some label or stereotype;
-I do things that make me feel better or I enjoy them, not because I have to;
-I set proper boundaries and stay within them;
-I set proper boundaries and don't allow others to cross them;
-I do things that are right to do, not necessarily easy to do;
-I believe in a higher being, in order to stay humble and centered ;
-I let myself feel pride in my accomplishments;
-I do not denigrate myself for perceived flaws or failures;
-I do not let low esteem make my decisions;
-I allow myself the freedom to experience all my emotions, not just the ones that I like;
-I see myself as unique and the only "me" there is;
-I purge myself of hated, as hatred corrupts it's container;
-I allow myself to love others freely, without hangups or mistrust;
-I am willing to sacrifice for others, as this makes me a better person in the end;
Wow, this list could go on and on - there are SO many ways that we have to love ourselves and perspectives to take on it.
Hadn't really given it that much thought, although in the back of my head I guess I have had to deal with it for my entire life.
Thanks for asking - Maybe everyone should try to describe THEIR version of self love!! It was a fun exercise!
Refuse2quit
I respect myself and my feelings
I accept myself, not just my strengths but also my weaknesses and failings
I forgive myself for not being bigger, better, stronger...perfect
I value my good points
I encourage myself to develop and grow, to be the best I can be.
Wow! I'm not there yet, but that felt good!
Hope you all have a great day and a better tomorrow!
Refuse2quit
...And no, it's not about always being happy.
...When you're pushing yourself in the direction you need to grow in, it can be very unpleasant, even. Difficult.
But there's a contentment and satisfaction about doing it.
I find it hard to let go of the stuff I need to let go of in order to grow--like false beliefs carried from childhood with the main one being I am unimportant and not enough.
Maybe I just need to replace those false beliefs rather than letting them go. And I think one of the ways I can do that is by creating new experiences for myself. Scary and hard but the alternative is scarier. I will not live out the rest of my life believing I don't count. I will create a different life.
You're absolutely right about there being "...contentment and satisfaction about doing it." I give myself a leg up every time I put myself in social situations where I can practice social skills and growing from it.
Self-love also takes practice...lots because I was conditioned to believe otherwise.
xx
SuzA
Go for it SuzA66 - what do you have to lose, except a lot of false negativity about yourself? And you do count, BTW. You have written several posts that I have enjoyed and grown from. That is what I love about this site, we can learn so much from so many. So in my book, you are an important element of this site and I, for one, am glad you are here - you certainly count in my book!
Sound like a good step toward increasing your self-love!
Refuse2quit
Isn't that a big part of our growth, first acknowledging that a loved one, a trusted person, violated something we fundamentally understand in our bones as a natural virtue - don't the herd protect their young? So this abuse is a violation of not just our past selves, but an affront to order, the natural universe.
In other words, once we've called out abuse, that was once made to feel like benign everyday life, nothing in our world will ever be the same again. Because it can't. (And that's neither good nor bad.) We have to look around and allow ourselves to draw our own conclusions, make our own blueprint for living as we honestly find ourselves today.
How much of how we love is learned from the way we were treated as developing people? How much of that dynamic is the blueprint in our mind that tells us how to love? You can see where I'm going, that abuse can beget abuse can beget abuse, whether internal or external. Isn't one of the shackles that we have learned to abuse ourselves? Or at least learned how to take abuse and tow the line? That is the power dynamic, that is subservience.
Then isn't a logical conclusion that when we assert our dominance in anger it is not only permissible, but desirable? Is anger not noted as part of a healthy recovery, a stage of grief? Is there not a sense that asserting our strength, voice, and no longer latent power inside us is a monumental step in breaking the cycle?
We've denied what was once called life. Now we're in charge of our own thing. It is important for us to connect to our power, to exercise it, to know how it feels. That was denied, that was suppressed.
We are now allowed to show our strength, even asked to assert power, in the name of wellness and self-love. We are now responsible for taking care of ourselves, our philosophies, the way we treat others, our families. We have to check ourselves to make sure we love the way we want to today and tomorrow.
Self-love is cultivating and honoring your our heart, that you know how to love, beyond the abuse.
It surprises me that even after years of much healing work hearing or reading that someone thinks I count touches me deeply.
Thank you for that tender reminder that I count; and a reminder that we ALL count.
xx
SuzA