I'm sorry for your long hard struggle. I have been through similar. Therapy has helped me a lot and really transformed my quality of life. Please don't wait any longer to get help if it's available to you. Try reaching out through RAINN.org, a highly regarded non-profit for survivors of sexual assault and abuse. And in case this sounds like an ad, no, I don't work for them! I do contribute to them because I believe in their work so much and have been personally helped by them.

I'm so sorry, I know sometimes even years later we can go thru years of being in the the valley of fear and anger, confusion and deep sorrow after abuse. I do pray you find peace and joy and overcome what you are dealing with. Healing happens many times after the valley and with that you find the strength to help others. I do recommend counseling, it helps put the pieces together and make sense of your feelings and how to deal with it all in a healthy way. If you can't afford it, many churches offer it free. Something else that really helps is taking magnesium malate and ginseng. Malate is the most bioavailable form of magnesium. The two together really help calm the mind body and spirit and get rid of sticky negative thoughts. They have helped many. Also, getting outside and breathing fresh air, laying on grass, looking at sky is very peaceful and grounding. volunteering helps many feel like they can find good in the midst of this mess by helping others and in the mean time helping yourself too. It really sucks what little ones have to go thru sometimes. You are strong or you wouldn't have made it this far, so you will find healing and peace. <3

I too am 58 and suffer from the affects of sexual abuse as a child. My father.
Please look into EMDR or Brain Spotting Therapy. I feel it is very instrumental in helping me heal.

See here for help with PTSD:

http://www.onefoundation.org/
https://www.netmindbody.com/more-information/net-research/
NET can drastically alleviate the suffering and stress associated with PTSD memories

What sucks... is we were strong enough to bury or hide or deny it all for so long....
Then it hits like a brick wall higher than the eye can see. Then you realize you have always been empty. You have always wanted to them to apologize. You have always wanted them to take it all back.

Im envious of those that got help at such an early age.... No one should have to suffer most of their life.

(Trigger warning)
Im so sorry for what you've been through. I am familiar with the long hard struggling road. I too am an incest survivor. I was molested and raped by both parents from age 7 to 15. I still struggle with it every day. The night terrors and flashbacks are violent and horrendous. If need someone to listen, message me.