Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
One of the most common feelings experienced by survivors of partner rape and partner sexual assault is self blame. There are many reasons to explain why we feel like this but it is important to remember that it is not our fault:
Our partners have justified what they have done (If you didnt do that then I wouldnt have to force/ punish/ hurt you or You make me so frustrated and then I just have to have you). Their justification does not make rape ok.
Abuse results in low self esteem and self hatred. We are so used to hating ourselves that we figure the abuse must be our fault. It is not your fault.
Society incorrectly tells us that real victims fight for their lives. In reality most women are too scared, conditioned or sensible* to fight back. The body also goes into medical shock during an attack, leaving victims literally paralysed. However, if we dont fit the mold of what we should have done then we unfairly blame ourselves. We are not to blame.
It is extremely and undeniably difficult to leave an abusive relationship. 65% of women who experience partner rape and sexual assault are attacked multiple times1, 2. Being unable to leave after the first attack makes us blame ourselves when it happens again. We dont deserve blame.
People in abusive relationships commonly feel that abuse means a failed relationship. They see themselves as having failed and thus to blame for the abuse. You have not failed, you are not to blame.
Rape is a premeditated crime. It is too horrible to imagine that your partner could want to rape you. It is much easier, somehow, to blame ourselves than accept that somebody we love has been so cruel. Regardless, it is not our fault.
Whatever you think you did or didnt do, he still made the decision to rape you. For the rapist, rape is not about a loss of control, rape is about being in control. You did not deserve to be assaulted and it was not your fault. You cant make somebody rape you. Why? Because rape is the opposite of choice. Rape is about being forced against your will. If its against your will then you cant will it to happen. Nobody wants or deserves to be raped.
I know that it is very hard to hear and hard to let go of the blame but it is important that you keep telling yourself that it was not your fault. Try saying it out loud every day until it sinks in. And dont start blaming yourself for blaming yourself! Its OK to have these feelings, you are normal, I just want to reassure you that you are not to blame.
Our partners have justified what they have done (If you didnt do that then I wouldnt have to force/ punish/ hurt you or You make me so frustrated and then I just have to have you). Their justification does not make rape ok.
Abuse results in low self esteem and self hatred. We are so used to hating ourselves that we figure the abuse must be our fault. It is not your fault.
Society incorrectly tells us that real victims fight for their lives. In reality most women are too scared, conditioned or sensible* to fight back. The body also goes into medical shock during an attack, leaving victims literally paralysed. However, if we dont fit the mold of what we should have done then we unfairly blame ourselves. We are not to blame.
It is extremely and undeniably difficult to leave an abusive relationship. 65% of women who experience partner rape and sexual assault are attacked multiple times1, 2. Being unable to leave after the first attack makes us blame ourselves when it happens again. We dont deserve blame.
People in abusive relationships commonly feel that abuse means a failed relationship. They see themselves as having failed and thus to blame for the abuse. You have not failed, you are not to blame.
Rape is a premeditated crime. It is too horrible to imagine that your partner could want to rape you. It is much easier, somehow, to blame ourselves than accept that somebody we love has been so cruel. Regardless, it is not our fault.
Whatever you think you did or didnt do, he still made the decision to rape you. For the rapist, rape is not about a loss of control, rape is about being in control. You did not deserve to be assaulted and it was not your fault. You cant make somebody rape you. Why? Because rape is the opposite of choice. Rape is about being forced against your will. If its against your will then you cant will it to happen. Nobody wants or deserves to be raped.
I know that it is very hard to hear and hard to let go of the blame but it is important that you keep telling yourself that it was not your fault. Try saying it out loud every day until it sinks in. And dont start blaming yourself for blaming yourself! Its OK to have these feelings, you are normal, I just want to reassure you that you are not to blame.
I had to go into deep levels of my unconscious patterns to desactivate this guilt and shame.my whole family had sent me messages that I was the one responsible for what had happened.Inside me there was this 15 year old Moonface believing she was a whore because she had interiorised that belief.It is a deep healing work on all our traumatised parts.
Thanks again tabby
but. Constant nagging innuendo until your worn out, you know it's gonna happen so may as well get it over an done with is consent? Then later to be hurt ohhhh just by repetitive accident ? To have sex without love and to be controlled in the process saying no at that point just has no meaning. Then the ultimate dismissal for him to just go out or completely ignore me. All in the pretence of a loving marriage.
Self blame = incest = being too young to know what it ment and then guilt and shame when I was old enough to realise it was wrong
As you can see I'm trying to justify the partner stuff, is it bad enough to be called , it's not like that all the time, and is my past controlling what I expect now