It is worth it to go to a counselor. Also, watching porn with someone so young actually does count as sexual abuse. It may not be better to remember, but I am sure that it is better to know. Go to a counselor, and tell them what you posted here, talk to them about it. They aren't going to force you to remember if it will be bad for you, they will help you work through it.

Whether you ever remember anything else or not you were abused, watching porn at 4 years old is abuse. You need to see a therapist to work through the issues. Most of all remember healing from abuse is a journey and we all walk our own path so be gentle with yourself as your travel your path. Go slow and if you need to remember your mind will allow that to happen as you are able to handle it. Please let us know how you are doing. Take care!

I agree with the above. Watching porn with a child is abuse. The law agrees on this one, too.

I would probably go to counseling for current issues. You don't need to remember more. What you remember now is enough, in my opinion. Whatever feelings you are having now could use some addressing.

The shame and guilt can be lifted or at least better managed.

Great post.

I was made to watch porn with my stepdad from age 8 on. I agree with the others...this was abuse. Even if your dad did not touch you...he exposed you to adult sexual material that you weren't ready to process. Being sexualized so young does something to us that is hard to recover from. I think you should talk about this with your psychiatrist. They can help you work throught this.

It saddens me that you refer to yourself as "sick" because you enjoyed watching the videos as a little girl. I would suggest that your enjoyment in watching them probably had as much or more to do with your spending time with your father than what was on the screen esp when you were very young. Being exposed to adult sexual material as a little girl is in and of it itself sexual abuse but it's more than just being exposed to sexual videos...It's highly likely you were also regularly exposed to your father when he was in an aroused state....this is sexual abuse as well and very confusing to a child. It seems the combination of the two sexualized you at a very young age whether he actually touched you or not. You started watching at 4 (possibly earlier)..you don't mention how long it continued...years? Regardless it appears it sexualized you at a very early age. Your "acting out" what you had been exposed to is not uncommon at all...your being unnecessarily harsh by referring to yourslef by saying you turned into a "child abuser". I dk the circumstances but it was a young child acting out what you had learned.

I tend to agree, it's probable that there may well have been some molestation involved as well whether you have actual memories of it or not. It's curious that it most typically was just you and your father....regardless just the exposure was enough to result in your acting it out.

I agree with the others in recommending getting into counseling to address the sex abuse issues and it's impact on you emotionally ....including considering yourself sick because you enjoyed watching it with him (you were not) ,,your father was sick for exposing you to it. Counseling can also help you gain a better and healthier understanding of your "acting out" with other kids that has lead to your thinking of yourself as a child abuser. Counseling can help you process and release the guilt and shame you carry around that. It is likely in working through those issues you may well recover memories of having been touched and molested as well if it occurred (very likely).



You were sexually abused just based on what you do remember and based on this post remains unresolved and still affecting you. That's reason enough to get into counseling. Btw...I too was exposed to pornography at a young age....it alone is very damaging to a developing child. It damaged me and it damaged you.

One last thing...find a therapist who has background, training and experience in working with survivors....that;s unlikely to be a psychiatrist...most of which do little actual therapy...it' more medication management. These issues will not get resolved through meds..

thanks for the replies.....
it seems the only way I am ever going to get any better is if I deal with what happened in the past by working it through with a counselor..it seems like Ive wasted the last 10 years going on and off a lot of different anti depressants and anti psychotics...and am still trying to find the right mix to make me feel and stay well.....but I guess none of them is going to take away the abuse I suffered in the past...therefore it doesn't matter what meds im on, im always going to remember and be upset and angry, and self harm and depressed and all the rest of it........and its all just to much to think about....and suicide seems so much easier most of the time...
I have always suffered from social anxiety, so it is hard now to even talk to my psychiatrist whom I have been seeing for the last 10 years............... I so much want to open up and tell a counselor all of this....but I dont know if I can....first I have to find one that is registered with medicare so I dont have to pay much....I already pay a fortune to see my psychiatrist fortnightly.

I just cant do this right now... dont know if i ever can