By regaining your strength - it will take time, but you can trust again. I have also had abusers from various walks of my life, and have been very paranoid in the past - another good word for it is "hypervigilant" - constantly on the lookout for others to be abusive. This can work in your favor as often you can truly see people for who they are. But, with time and taking it in small steps, you can learn to trust.
I can speak from personal experience - this "paranoia" can also make you a very observant people person; then you will be able to spot true abusers from some distance and learn to avoid them. And you will be able to see true, honest, caring people who will not abuse you.
Best of all to you - learning to trust is risky, but so worth the time and effort.
Steve

When you can trust yourself, you will begin to be able to risk trusting others - you will be able to trust your judgement and trust your ability to walk away and survive and recover if you get it wrong.

Invest in yourself and slowly but surely the rest will follow.

hugs

To this day I'm still very cautious always on guard, waiting for the attack, even with my own family and I'm well along on this healing trail. I came to a point one day in which I realized that if I was to get better I had to trust someone. That doesn't mean that I haphazardly trusted everyone, instead I studied those who were helping me with honesty and started to trust the one who have always had concern for my progress. It was a good choice for me since I could finally dump some pain I've been holding on to for so long. Just be patient with yourself and select those who will "serve" you well, yet at times you do need to push yourself to keep moving forward. Hope this helps, my best to you Blaine

loum50,

I agree with Breakingtheshell, "When you can trust yourself you
will begin to be able to risk trusting others...."

When I began to trust myself I found I could handle whatever came along. I could walk away from dysfunctional people or at least minimize my contact with them (some family members) and I could grow friendships with people that I wanted to be around.

For me self-trust began with awareness. And in this area, loum, I think survivors have an edge--at least I did because of having to be constantly on the look-out for that "proverbial" shoe to fall.

I began to pay attention to my gut when around people. I began to pay attention to how people treated others, especially people with less education and status than they.

I took in the ways they spoke to me--respectful or not. And the ways they acted: considerate, kind, polite?

And as I learned to separate the wheat from the chaff I learned to trust my gut--that part of our anatomy that some call our second brain.

It was with acute awareness that I was able to develop enough self-trust to put paranoia aside and to realize that not everyone was out to hurt me.

Peace to you, loum50.

xx
SuzA

I'm learning that self-trust is where it's at...
My fear is that the people whom I love will destroy me.
...But they can only do it if I LET them!

I let my ex-wife run my self-esteem into the ground, I let her bulldoze right over my boundaries. Key word is "let."
...I WILL learn how to maintain boundaries in relationships. I will not be bullied.

loum - I agree with what others have said and I hope their thoughts helped you. I understand being paranoid. I think there is something about awareness that is special in all of us who have been hurt by the supposed caregivers of our childhood, but when that awareness is hyper-vigilance because of anxiety, I think it feels like paranoia. That special awareness in smaller doses gives you discernment. So I have found that if I use deep breathing to calm my anxiety and then assess what I was perceiving, I am less paranoid and more able to process whether what I perceived was a warning of an untrustworthy person or whether what I perceived was my own reaction to a trigger that the person did not intend to cause me any harm.

Once you find a person who is worth the time, begin to share your feelings and your experiences honestly. If you are not being honest, then you know you don't trust that person. The question is then why don't you trust that person? Because of your own issues or because your awareness gave you the intuitive understanding that the person has not earned trust or possibly won't ever be able to earn the trust?

I think the way not to be overly paranoid is to trust yourself to have that discernment to know what you are perceiving and what your perceptions mean. Watching people and listening to them and how they treat others who are vulnerable is a great way to test yourself because you are an objective observer instead of feeling out of control because the attention is directed at you.

I am working on it and have no intimate relationship because I am not yet sure I trust myself if sex is involved - as I make progress I will let you know what I figure out worked for me. :-)

Hope that helps - hugs to you loum.

I am always bowled-over with the amazing advice and options that this forum creates - loum50 you have had some really good supporters talking to you and I hope some of it has helped. Again, time and patience will assist you, and in time you will "feel" when someone is trying to manipulate you - that is a lesson that will serve you well throughout your life in general.
And IT IS about trusting yourself - just like many of us feel we have a hard time loving others, but at the core of that feeling, we often are not loving ourselves enough!
But, when you go through these periods of high paranoia, it really can make you feel SO lonely - at least that was how I felt. Like you cannot "let anyone in". And that really is the key - learning who to "let in" and who to "keep out". I believe you will gain more of this skill as you advance in your healing. And it will give you your power back as right now it sounds like you are allowing a lot of your power to be sapped by fear. Please know that this will pass as you grow. And that is what this is all about isn't it? Growth and gaining strength? And "birth" is painful - and you are trying to be "reborn", progressing from victim to survivor. But every pain you feel now will give you resolve and strength in the future.
And you are already incredibly strong - look at the list of abusers you have had! You have SURVIVED, you're just dealing with the residual damage that was left by them, but YOU SURVIVED. Unfortunately, some do not, but you did.
It is my opinion that you will make it, you will gain that power back and you will learn to trust again, but you will know who and when to trust. I think anyone who has been betrayed by a relative learns that even the people that are supposed to care for and protect us can be dangerous. It is natural that you feel this way - when I say it is natural, it is because you are in an unnatural circumstance. Please get support from the great people here and know that you are moving in the right direction!
Refuse2quit

2-Dragonfly2810,

Really important distinction you made between being aware and being hyper-vigilant, because anxiety lies at the core of hyper-vigilance.

Awareness, on the other hand, is not clouded with anxiety but falls more on the neutral observer side of things.

When we can observe without anxiety we ultimately make better choices.

Thanks for this distinction and the reminder to breathe when stressed--the brain needs oxygen to function at its best.

xx
SuzA

How can I not be paranoid, I am with you on that note Ioum50. I have lived with paranoia for so long its causing me a lot of fear, anxiety and stress. Unfounded some of it is, but like you've clearly stated..."how can I not be paranoid" esp. after so much abuse and pain. I am learning to trust, but it first begins with myself like others have said on their replies. I know that I can trust me a lot of times. Its going to take time and patience, and knowing who to give that trust too...cause not everyone can be trusted.
Lots of hope to you dani