I came across this letter I wrote to my ex wife. She never read it. Part of me feels it may not be right to share this and the other part me realized how much this letter could mean to other survivors of abuse. Whereas this is a deeply personal letter - i would only ask that your comments be not to harsh. I think the letter will speak for itself.

rich




Dear Barb.

I know you will be wondering why I bother with another letter to you. Well youre not alone. I do hope this letter finds it way to your eyes and heart. I have reached one of those times in ones life when I realize the past is the future if you carry it with you. Since our divorce I lived my life exactly this way. I have to carry my past with me all the time when it comes to you. I carry all our years together in my heart where I keep it warm and close to me. My thoughts are never far from you.

If you read my last letter to you, and I doubt you have, then you will remember I mentioned the book I am writing. It is finished. I wanted to let you know I didnt write the book for money. And I may never publish it. What I didnt tell you, was why I wrote a book. And I know you are probably wondering why I would think you would care about any of it. I really dont think you will and I dont blame you. But because at one time you did love me very much, I am hoping you will let those good feelings allow you bare with me about this letter.

And please do not be offended if I use the tender words I so loved when we were together. Sweetheart, I want you to know that I know how horribly I hurt you and how wrong I was about every thing. I wish with all my heart I had not hurt you. If I had a time machine and could only change two things they would to change Christmas 94 and I would what I have been doing for the last four years when I was twenty. But I dont have a time machine and I can only say how sorry I am. I have never forgiven myself for hurting you and I never will. You where my soul mate and these many years have taught me that there will never be another. Barb you where everything to me. You made me happy and made me feel whole and special. I never knew what it felt like to be alive until I met you. And I died when we ended. But I am not writing this letter with any expectations, I dont really expect you to read this or if you are then I have no expectations to touch your heart in anyway. I am writing for many reasons but I will only speak to one. And that is you have a right to know. I gave you a lot of happiness and then I took it away with much more hurt. So you owe me nothing. On the other hand, I owe you a great deal. And there is no way I can pay my debt. I wounded your heart and I can never forgive myself for that. The best I can do is give you some unsolicited enlightened as to why I had so much inner turmoil that ultimately cost me everything I care about, you. I know you have your own opinion when it comes to us but I truly hope you where just venting anger as I was. But I guess it really doesnt matter. What does matter is prevailing truth.

And that truth began for me several years ago when living in Colorado. As I said before, I was diagnosed with colon cancer. True it turned out to be a misdiagnosis of course. But before I had gone for second and third opinions; I was laying under the stars of Fort Collins trying to decide what I was going to do abut the cancer. For a great many reasons I decided I had my full measure of life and I decided I was not going to have it treated. I never told you what changed my mind about fighting the cancer.

I was visiting a cemetery where I was going to buy a burial plot for myself. Without getting into all the details; a very profound thing happened to me that day in the cemetery. So profound it was a life changing experience and no it is not about religion. What happened led me to an epiphany of major proportions. It was bothering me I had for the first time in my life, I had given up. But this wasnt my epiphany. It wasnt long before I was seeing my life in my minds eye, it was running like a movie. All the good and so much bad. What I realized is when you are facing death and standing in a cemetery at the end of your life, there is nothing but truth. For what ever reasons, at that moment my life changed forever. I saw my life for what it was. A mess. For the first time in my life I had stepped out of denial and I was left standing with a stranger, alone and lost. For the first time in my life I felt the realization of just how much damage the abuse had hurt me, damaged me and more importantly, how much it had cost me, you and my family. I know I had talked about it from time to time and I had convinced myself I had dealt with it. But acknowledging it doesnt heal you from the wounds and the wound where very deep and profound. It caused me to live a life of duality. The guy you came to love, which was the only face I ever wanted anyone to know. And then there was the guy I spent a life time running from, the eight year old boy whose spirit was robbed from him.

Any way my love, what I am saying here is, my inner life was so torn, and the abuse so intense that it affected everything in my life. I had a love hate relationship with myself. I loved the guy you fell in love with but hated the person I grew up as.

That day in the cemetery I felt the real truth so deeply it moved my very soul. I was so alone. Every thing I believed about myself had just dissolved and I was standing feeling so lost and shrouded in raw truth. I had connected with the truth for first time in forty years. The bastards had hurt me and damaged me and cost me everything. I had a life time of clever defense mechanisms and a slew of self-destructive behavior that I never understood until that day in the cemetery which lead me to recovery. I had for the first time connected with the wounds and pain. I had never done that before. Anyway I changed my mind about giving in to the cancer.

So the misdiagnosed cancer let me to discover the real cancer. Go figure. Thru out my life I lived in an intense, impenetrable denial that could only be broken by an event such as being put in touch with your own mortality. If I was able to do this in my twenties my life would have been so much better and we would not have ended because of my acting out. I am not making excuses or asking for forgiveness. I know that is never coming from you.

There are reasons for every thing Barbara. Reasons for misdiagnosis, acting out, and for this letter. And my reason for this letter is this. I am telling you with all my heart I could not be more sorry for what I did to you. It was not intentional and I didnt understand it at the time. I do now, and believe me; I know how much I have betrayed your trust. I made the wrong choices. And I spent many years blaming you because I could not face the truth about what I had done. You where never cheated on Barbara but I did act out. I didnt know it at the time, but what the hell else could calling chat lines be? And no I am not changing my story about the infamous phone call. It was a prank phone call that I did choose to engage the women with lewd talk. I saw an opportunity to act out and I did. I never understood until the last couple of years why I did. And I dont blame you for not trusting me. I betrayed that trust with chat lines and a prank phone call. I just hope you understand the chat lines I called; I felt very guilty about and did get counseling for it well before you discovered it. I couldnt stand myself for doing it. And when I did call them, I felt I was betraying your trust. One of the predominate affects of abuse is to make the victim to feel isolated and hence lonely.

When I was discussing my feeling about the chat lines with our counselor at the time. I told him I didnt understand why I felt lonely when I was married to such a wonderful and beautiful women. I should have listened to him. He told me as he told you that love between you and I was never a problem. But the abuse in our past was. I dropped the ball I should have listened and faced the wounds and damage. It was too much to face the pain or the truth that I lived my life as a lie, behind a mask of shame. The wounded child had never healed. The abuse cost so much.

It took four years of intense recovery work on my part and boy do I wish you could see me now. I dont mean the material aspects of my life, that hasnt changed much because I havent wanted it to. I mean seeing me on the inside like you once did. I have found myself and I have never felt truly whole until now. I have finally become the guy you wanted to marry, and it feels really good. I have no shame to hide anymore. I wish so much we could have been together so you could see how much I have become the person you always thought I was. I dont have hide that busted up guy you knew. He is gone forever. My only regret is us. But boy do I enjoy thinking about us and feeling the love I have for you. I hope to God you are not alone and are happy. You deserve it so much. You have lived a hard life. But we had good times together Barb and we were good for each other. We where meant for each other and I changed all of that. Being with you where the happiest years of my life and I thank you so much for that. But we both have to face the prevailing truth and that is, our abuse from others took our marriage. I am so sorry I blamed you for so long. I convinced myself what I did, didnt warrant your reactions. You always had a hard time trusting because of what that animal did to you and I had convinced myself we where divorced because you never dealt with abuse in your past. How ironic it turned 180 around. Recovery is a wonderful thing sweetheart. I am sad you will never know me free of the burdens and damage from the abuse. I have learned to like myself again and I am so bad a guy after all. But I am no saint either.

I am so sorry for all that happened and I am so sorry I was not a stronger person and stepped out of denial in time to have saved us. My life is a blank piece of paper now and there are no more millstones around my neck holding me back. It is a pretty wonderful place to be.

I love you Barbara and nothing is ever going to change that. I was wrong. And I am sorry. I hope your heart has healed, I hope it does not give you any pleasure to know my heart can never heal. We had our one miracle during our first separation, and I blew it.

I will always miss your smile and the love in your eyes, your warm heart and bright spirit. I will always miss your tender kisses, your warm hand holding mine, and the walks on the beaches. And so much more.

I am so sorry for your mom and dad passing. You where a wonderful and loving daughter for them. I missed them so much.

I will leave you with the words I wrote you many years ago in a love letter.


Barbara, I now say good-bye and wish you Godspeed. You've been a good, kind, and loyal friend to me and you made a real difference in my life. I will always treasure our relationship, and will think on you with fond memories, warm feelings and a special place in my heart.

( back to the future) now that is ironic! this sentence was not part of the letter)

Your husband in heart.

Rick