Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
help im goin crazy here... i feel like my world is falling apart, when im off my meds i freak out, i get paranoid and it has to annoy my friends cuz i always assume they are mad and apologize a million and one times a day and i hate it and i know im doing it but cant stop it. :( i hate being off my meds not that they fix it all but i mean they help it not be so bad... i can actually keep my emotions somewhat under control. and then there are the flashbacks and the cutting and all the things that go away when i can control my emotions and come back all at once when i cant :( im crying more and i hate it it makes me feel weak and i know you will all say its ok to cry but i still feel weak. and stupid, i mean i started crying cuz my mom took my tire to get it fixed and i was supposed to meet my friend for lunch and was gonna be lat i mean that was no big deal at least normally but i flipped out started crying and screaming and hitting walls and then cut. and i hate that i hate losing control of myself how can i ever be ok when i cant even control any emotions without meds and have no insurance or money so i cant get pills and im going nuts. i feel crazy and everyone around me thinks i am its so not right
You say that it feels like your world is falling apart. That is okay. You might be right. It's okay to let things fall apart for a bit at a time.
What you describe here has been theorized to me in two different ways. I will explain both and you can see if one feels right, okay?
1. After suffering trauma, the victim will often catastrophize. It's sort of like you've experienced something really, really awful and you are always waiting for it to happen again. So, the smallest thing causes you great stress because you are always waiting for the next beating, or rape, or molestation, or whatever it was that changed your thought patterns. A stage of healing will help with this.
2. The actual emotions that got stored in the primitive part of your brain (this is the reptilian part of the brain where emotions that are too overwhelming and could actually kill us are stored) during the trauma are now bubbling to the surface because you are safe. You are actually IN the healing process.
I only felt fear and terror and also got paranoid at that time. Now that it has passed, I can see that it was a little bit of both of those for me.
As far as the meds go....I'm sorry you have no means to get them. Have you ever tried applying directly to the manufacturer of your meds? I know that many of them have programs to help those in need. I think that if you feel you need them and they are helping you then you should really try to find a way to get them. I know it's hard when you are so deep in recovery.
Big hugs to you. I'd like to recommend a couple things that really helped me during my times of feeling rage/terror/pain:
Trust in the process. Humans are self-healing creatures.
Reach out to those you understand and have gone through similar. Empathy and compassion heal a great deal.
Hugs to you. A great movie to watch for me was Black Snake Moan. I could really relate to the way she held the anchor while she was completely out of her mind. It kind of kept her grounded, so to speak.