Your life is not pointless. I've seen your words bring so much comfort to people (including myself) on these message boards. I wish I could bring you some comfort now but I also know how you feel. I have a hunch that everything you are feeling is somehow slowly healing you, even though it's really sh*t. Trusting someone and being vulnerable is one of the most difficult things in the world - I haven't anywhere near mastered it yet but it is possible!

I often feel exhausted and tired of the fight to stay alive. Please have courage and stay strong.

I loved my parents, they hurt me.
I loved my ex-wife and trusted her more than anyone since my parents.
She hurt me in very sneaky unobtrusive ways that only were so devastating because I loved her as much as I did.

...It's so hard to trust.

Maybe you've answered your own dilemma in a way - she didn't hurt you because you loved her, she hurt you by being sneaky. The problem lies with her not you. Same with your parents. The problem wasn't that you loved and trusted these people, but that they chose to abuse that trust.

I know from my personal experience that I have tended to choose romantic relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable because that is what I am used to. On some level I expect to be hurt and I feel it's what I deserve. Your current girlfriend is not the same as your parents or your ex. Trusting her and allowing yourself to be loved is a gift you deserve.

I also loved my parents and hated and was terrified of my father.

Ditto on that, IOUM50.

Hey there. Your life is not pointless. You have so much to live for. You shouldn't despise yourself for wanting to be loved. It sounds like you really want to care and love for your girl friend but your trust has been broken and it is hard to put yourself out there when there are so many risks to be hurt. Has she shown signs of abusive behavior towards you? I have cut everyone out of my life who has ever even showed signs of potential risks for hurting me. If I love them it hurts me or I wonder when they are going to leave. I have cut everyone out of my life and from where I am sitting I can tell you right now it is a very lonely place. Maybe this one won't turn on you. Maybe if you give her a chance she could be the one for you but go into it cautiously. If you do feel that she is going to abuse you or she has already begun to abuse you then yeah you should get out. I am really sorry for what your dad did to you. Just keep holding on.

I. don't wish you were dead. I would like to know you in all your strengths, glories and all your humaness. You are important in ways you still have yet to know and voices that tell you otherwise, lie like
a carpet on the floor. Been there and I get it but it holds no weight. From a survivor 's point of view, I can tell you that you need to barn that horse and look outside your world. It's bigger and so is your purpose . Grab the reins of your life because that it what you are really searching for and if you get thown........ God is an excellent catcher. HEALING comes from trusting; kinda like asking cows to lay eggs; but it can be done and only we can make that choice to do that.