Hello everyone. Been away a little. Every year I go visit my parents (now you figure why the post subject). I was away in Far-away land where they live and go preaching people about god. I made the commitment of visiting my parents every year. Since early 2000's I've been spending a few days a year visiting.

They live in a remote area and it takes me a full day of catching planes to get there. they live in bad conditions (since they believe that depriving themselves of things gives them extra points with god or something). The first two days I got stomach problems. They went away as soon as I started boiling the water I drank. I still have about 25 itchy mosquito bites on my body.

So I go to great lengths taking all this time and money to visit my parents. Every year I always wonder why it's important for me to do that, since my family (including them) is just crazy messed-up dysfunctional. In counseling I always say that i do it for me, that it just feels right to meet my moral obligation of making sure that they are ok. Feels good to feel like a responsible son.

Not this year. I have no idea what changed, but although it wasn't chaotic, I didn't feel happy at all hearing them talking about things. Their versions of events in the family are just more like they trying to either cover up or justifying the rather large number of things they have done wrong. And of course, god forbid they admit to any wrongdoing.

So I came back feeling very upset and not wanting to see them again. There was this one comment that my father made that triggered all these memories of his abuse. But aside from the abuse it felt like going back in time and experiencing the feelings I used to feel while growing up with them. More than remembering, experiencing living with them and getting a reminder of who/how they really are, was the trigger.

I came back home this year feeling very upset and feeling like I wasted my time and money in something that doesn't really bring anything positive to my life. I'm not sure why in years past things were not like this time. Right now it feels like a bad experience, that I shouldn't have gone at all.

Every time I heard about a different member of the family (I'm estranged from most of them), I'd say something "negative" (read "more realistic") about how they are, and I immediately would get either a some kind of excuse or justification for it. It was insane.

I don't know why this year that's how it went. I started posting here and addressing all this abuse crap this year, maybe that's why my mindset has changed.

Anyway, I'm glad I'm back home, that I found this group, and that I have a safe space to share about this stuff without having to explain too much.