Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
I'm not feeling very strong tonight. A few nights ago I woke up in terror/panic. It felt like someone was squezing my upper arms pinning me down and I had pain in my stomach. Closing my eyes made it worse. The urge was to get out of bed, but I had to work that day so I stayed in bed and sat it out. It took about an hour and a half. This is not in new, but seems to be happening more often. I've been feeling miserable since. A memory came back, not of abuse but of a suicide attempt when I was 16. I know it's a real memory, it wasn't buried to deep just something I didn't remember. It was probably the most serious attempt I made, unless I remember another lol. I did some dissociated self injury. I noticed the scratches but had no memory of doing it. I've been feeling phsycally I'll since. I'm not feeling very grounded. I know I'm in a mild or little more than mild depression. I'm having lots of suicidal thoughts, but I'm not suicidal. I'm having a lot more anxioty than usual about going to bed. I think what made it more upsetting than usual was my therapist mentioning medication. I know I don't have to do that, but I don't know why it's upsetting me. I've been on plenty of antidepressants in the past.
I know the is no real threat to me now. I know or at least I think I will be OK. I'm just having a hard time functioning nd I feel so not present. I don't even know if I'll remember writing this in the morning. I don't know why I can't accept it as same stuff different day. I would appreciate some comments. I feel like I'm ranting, sorry. I'm still also feeling that internal conflict. I know what my father did, but I was a little kid and I loved him. I just want to scream why.
I know the is no real threat to me now. I know or at least I think I will be OK. I'm just having a hard time functioning nd I feel so not present. I don't even know if I'll remember writing this in the morning. I don't know why I can't accept it as same stuff different day. I would appreciate some comments. I feel like I'm ranting, sorry. I'm still also feeling that internal conflict. I know what my father did, but I was a little kid and I loved him. I just want to scream why.
I take cymbalta for depression and physical pain. Did you know that the part of the brain that is in control of emotional pain is very similar to the part that experiences physical pain? I went through a long spell of feeling some pretty awful physical pain while I integrated a lot of my traumatic past. It was very confusing. Just when I thought I couldn't handle anymore I'd get severe back pain that rendered me bedridden for days.
Good job on reaching out for help during this time of severe pain. Some of the best advice I got was similar to what dandelion365 got. I was told to trust in the process and be gentle with myself.
Hang in there. It does eventually get easier.
Death ideation is what I always called suicidal thought without actual intention of really dieing. I found a lot of comfort from just the thought of all the pain being over. So I had death ideation all my life.
As far as screaming why? what I've come to believe is that the last horrible thing about evil acts are that they are senseless. There is absolutely nothing in existence that can justify or explain such horrible acts as CSA. I'm really sorry you are suffering. Peace.
I think that is the shame for me. Knowing how weak and worthless I am.
You lived through what no child should live through, you survived. If you were weak you wouldn't have got this far.
Your father thought he was worthless and injected these feelings into you so that he would feel better.
You will get through this, one day at a time, it will get better again. it has before and it will again. In the meantime don't beat yourlself up for feeling bad. It's permitted to feel bad.