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I recently was a contestant in an art battle for an event at my college. The event was a fundraiser for raising awareness about sexual assault/rape/incest. I won the battle. Probably because my piece was so personal. So deep. So true. Here's my response to winning.
She said beautiful
But that's not the intent
He said I vote six
But that's not what I meant
She said I wish it were different
Well so do I
He said congratulations
But I'd rather die
You see, that's me
My pain, my silence, my words
To me, congratulations only hurts
I am finally acknowledged here
My pain is displayed on canvas
A story of abuse, year after year
Isn't this what I wanted?
Years of closet-worthy paint
Finally recognized as more
This should be my gain
It should be an exciting open door
But it's not
Instead, I stare at this bottle in my hand
And it's filled with a vivid promise
Of no more hurt, only a dark plan
It's filled with endings, full of brief questioning
And I wish I had no obligation
I wish I could leave today
End the constant disintegration
Stop pretending that I'm okay
But I will wait it out, I will wait
I will watch my pain be auctioned off
I will watch a price be put on my words
And I wish it were true, I wish it was gone
But it's not and I'm not gone
So I will stay here, relentlessly silent
Pondering this bottle of a vivid end
She said beautiful
But that's not the intent
He said I vote six
But that's not what I meant
She said I wish it were different
Well so do I
He said congratulations
But I'd rather die
You see, that's me
My pain, my silence, my words
To me, congratulations only hurts
I am finally acknowledged here
My pain is displayed on canvas
A story of abuse, year after year
Isn't this what I wanted?
Years of closet-worthy paint
Finally recognized as more
This should be my gain
It should be an exciting open door
But it's not
Instead, I stare at this bottle in my hand
And it's filled with a vivid promise
Of no more hurt, only a dark plan
It's filled with endings, full of brief questioning
And I wish I had no obligation
I wish I could leave today
End the constant disintegration
Stop pretending that I'm okay
But I will wait it out, I will wait
I will watch my pain be auctioned off
I will watch a price be put on my words
And I wish it were true, I wish it was gone
But it's not and I'm not gone
So I will stay here, relentlessly silent
Pondering this bottle of a vivid end
I don't really understand what an art battle is - can you explain?
Congratulations(?). It is truly beautiful in it's reality. It does seem quite a dichotomy to win something for having lost so much, doesn't it? Have you posted your painting anywhere - would love to see the end result!
I hope that expressing yourself through art is as cathartic to you as it has been for me in the past - it goes to show how many ways a person can vent some of the pain and stress that we have collected along the way. Thanks for sharing - there is nothing wrong with pondering, but may you never feel the need to actually open the bottle!
All my best
Refuse2quit
Basically just got back online - your blog is phenomenal! And the artwork is soooo deep. Let that talent take you to the heights it will and then enjoy the view. Others see your worth, even if you are having some trouble in that area now. Please continue to paint and post.
Great work!
Refuse2quit