That took a lot of courage, you should be proud of yourself. I'm appalled that she even expects you to forgive him. My mother died before it all came out so I never had to deal with this issue. It must be very tough. It is good to get it out! And your choice about being with a woman is your own! I'm the same way.

ILSR, whether you would like to admit it or not that is a big step hun. Youre setting boundaries with your mother and that is a huge step. I very much understand the need for the mother you never had but wanted and thus the difficulty eradicating her completely from your life. I guess the only thing i would recommend is carrying through with your boundaries if she does bring up your father when she visits.

I am a lesbian mom too and I can't tell you how often I have heard the same kinds of things. My mom died 7 years ago and that is the only reason I don't hear a lot of that even now. My brother and sister think it but don't say it. (((hugs)))

Yeh!!!
Cream cakes all round. I think you did brilliantly. Well done. And you have every right to enforce it.

Great job so proud of you. One step at a time in the right direction.

Thanks all!!! Your support means a lot :) HUGS FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

good on you for standing up to your mother. sounds like she's denying and minismising what your father did to you, which, to my mind is poison. You are no doubt profoundly affected, and this whole 'forgive' thing seems designed to try and bury our pain and our anger and our feelings, so that others will not have to deal with us. I think it's bullshit.

I don't understand this whole forgiveness thing. As far as I'm concerned there are some things that cannot be forgiven. What kind of ammends can someone offer for that kind of devistation?

I'm with you there loum. I used to think I could manage it but then I kept remembering more and now well...I just can't. I will find my own peace without that.

I think this is awesome. You stood up for yourself by setting the boundary. you don't have to kick her out of your life. And your father could have been a great provider financially - that does not excuse him! your mom is still in denial it sounds like and you called her out on it. good for you!!!

I hope you will eventually see your mom move towards just having a good relationship with you and leaving your father out of the conversation. maybe one day she will allow herself to be angry at him. I hope so.

as far as forgiveness I know it is true that no one can tell us to forgive or tell us we should forgive - it won't work. what can work is when we ourselves by our own choice decide that forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. not long ago I had this great moment where I felt that forgiving my grandfather was not for him but for me and for the world - I felt that forgiving him was a beautiful thing and it was just not for him or for anyone who would have been in denial - it was for beauty and innocence and love and the spirit of compassion. it just felt good. but it was all my idea and it was a gift for me - no one asked me to forgive my grandfather and he certainly did not since he is dead. he was a sociopath who never would have taken responsibility - but that is not important to me on an emotional level right now. Right now I feel good about letting go.

and when more memories come back I'll be angry all over again and visualize him coming to harm and hate him but that is okay - it is all the process and I accept that.

thank you for this post - I hope you see a positive change next time your mom visits but if you don't that is okay. Just keep setting your boundary as best you can in the moment and love yourself all the time, every day. You deserve it and you are wonderful!

iluvsterlingroses,

"A little proud" you say! Be a lot proud because what you did was take a stand for YOURSELF by setting boundaries.

You will have to ask her to leave if she visits and starts talking about things you've made clear are off limits. And you may have to ask her to leave a number of times until she gets that you mean what you say.

Celebrate!!

I attempted "forgiving him" a long time ago, but it keeps coming back to bite me. I love the fact that I actually stood up to her, and gave myself boundaries. My therapist was shocked that I'd done it, but happy as a clam that I'm finally sticking up for myself. I tried to forgive him for me, but came to the conclusion that some things while may be in some ways forgiveable, are NOT forgettable. I will never forget what he did, and so I can not truly forgive. To forgive completely would allow him access to my children, and that WONT happen. I feel it's up to God to forgive him, not me b/c like many of you have said, it is something that I actually don't have the ability to forgive him for. Thank you all for the wonderful support!!!!!

Great job! I still have a hard time with boundaries but im steppin up to the plate. I can understand not kicking her out completely. when my Mom was around I liked having her with me, even though she was putting me down most of the time.
I am so happy for you,