Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
Hi, I joined this group to gain some perspective and to feel less alone. My father was an abusic alcoholic and I was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused by my him as a child. Most of the sexual abuse occured before the age of six, so my memories are fragmented. I began to have nightmares about the abuse in middle school, but I pushed it out of my head. The nightmares continued, and I continued to deny the possibility that I was abused. Then when my dad died when I was 18, the nightmares got worse, and I began to experience flashbacks. So I told a therapist what was going on. The therapist told me I was making the abuse up in my head to avoid grieving my father. The nightmares and flashbacks continued, but I supressed them because I felt unsupported. Until my sister opened up to me that she had been abused and I felt confidant that I was not making it up in my head. Except nobody would listen to me. When I was 22, I had a mental breakdown and ended up in a psychiatric hospital, and I was diagnosed with PTSD. I was finally listened to and validated. I found a good therapist and went through EMDR therapy. Sometimes I still have flashbacks and nightmares, but overall, I am in a healthy place.
The thing I struggle most with, is the idea that I loved my father at one point. As a young child, I looked up to him. He was my hero even though he was a monster. It is hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I loved a child molestor. (That is hard for me to say). It makes me cry. It is hard for me to admit that I ever loved my dad, but I know that it was true.
Anyway, I needed to find a safe place where I could express this, which is how I ended up here.
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
It hit me like a bolt of lightning one day to think that my father might have abused me in a dissociated state. How else could he have so confidently insisted that he never did it? I think that the same we survivors can both know and not know something at the same time, abusers can know and not know that they are abusers, or just not own that part of themselves. This is going in a little different direction than what you were saying, but it's kind of related.
Isn't it normal and natural for a child to love her father? When we are little, our parents are like gods. Even if the god is angry and horrible sometimes, he is still a god and we adore him.
give yourself a break, be kind and gentle with yourself. Try to remember that none of this was ever your fault and you were not then and are not now in anyway responsible for the person you love doing something you hated to hurt you. You are a survivor and all your feelings are valid.
triple hugs~