I feel like I'm going crazy. I hate what he did to me!

I am so sorry loum- I do understand the feeling of being cheated. It is a valid feeling and with it comes so many different emotions.

My anger is what I use to protect myself from those who have harmed me and that sadness is something that at times is overwhelming.I find that if I allow myself to validate these feelings than I do much better at getting through to take another step towards relief. I do understand- I wish you never had to feel like this and I hope sharing here helps.

(((hugs))))

Wow lorum, so sorry your going through this and I've been working at discovering and trying to deal with my anger for a while voluntarily. What is wrong with me? To see you in pain hurts my heart. I agree with Banshie, feeling cheated comes with many flavors of emotion that can be both overwhelming and confusing. The most important thing to remember is to go easy on yourself. Recognize that your anger is appropriately placed on him, not you! Maybe for the first time? This is a good indicator of healing.

Your not going crazy but the repressed rage and anger inside no doubt may make you feel that way. BETTER OUT THAN IN I always have to say.

One time, I shared an activity on DS with a friend in a group exploring letting go of crap and some anger. I took a melon, some Brussels sprouts for balls and a cucumber... you know where this is going. LOL I smashed the hell out of it with the blunt end of an axe and the yard was fruit salad.

My point is acknowledge the pain and anger within you and find a safe way to release it, whether it be throwing darts at pictures, smashing melons, or anything symbolic to you. You could also have a burning party.

I care and others do. I hope this helped. ((((((safe hugs)))))
~K

Thanks, it is good that I'm getting the anger out and focusing it on him. I usually focus it on myself then end up hurting myself. I need to let the feelings out. I'm starting to be able to own my feelings and to express them. It's uncomfortable and when those feelings become intense they seem confusing. Hugs back and thanks again.

I did some journaling last night and it helped a lot to get those feelings out on paper. I was journaling on my tablet, but writing on paper seems to work better for me. I found some very interesting notebooks. They are eco-friendly, tree free and banana paper.

so sorry you went thru that and it has affected you so deeply. I hope as you progress thru recovery you will find your wounds healing.

in my jounal there is some useful informatioin.

I thought of your reply to my other post, Loum, re which difficulty to deal with first, and how. I don't journal because I find myself criticizing my thoughts, and then I go back and forth on whether they are useful in writing. It feels like it is too late. I used to journal, and when I look back at the entries now, I find the same old issues are still here, some 20-30 years later!

Dear Loum,

I also feel cheated by what my father did to me. Also, by my mother knowing what was happening and looking the other way. I would like a redo please, new parents who actually love their child.

I am also dealing with a loss, my brother died 1 year ago, on Christmas Eve.

I don't know how to get past these things, such a hard road.

Hang in there, thinking of you

I don't feel I'm covering all the same ground. I had my first memories of the incest 25 years ago and I worked on it for 10 years. That got me past the depression, but I really didn't fully get I touch with my anger at my father and I didn't get all the memories. I took a break for 15 years and am working on it again. This time I'm finding that I'm stronger than last time and more capable of getting my needs met. It still hurts, but I really don't expect the hurt to go away. I am able to get in touch with the feelings faster and more completely than the last time it seems. It's still a struggle though and it seems like a roller coaster ride sometimes. I really am doing OK, but it's hard and painful work.