Acceptance.

I know that I will spend the rest of my life falling into depressions, getting ill when I'm triggered, not trusting anyone - and to accept this situation feels like giving in. I don't want to give in, I want to get better.

But not accepting it is like hitting my head against a brick wall and it makes all the shit I have to face worse, so I don't get better.

Is this how you feel?

Do you wanna come over here to let out some anger and frighten the neighbours?

Oh, Hiley, don't give up. Keep at it. When times are rough, they are really rough. Medication changes and tweeking the kinds and amounts can be a long process. Just, please don't give up. Know when you are in depths of hell, you will come back up.

Ok, so the last weeks have felt really fuxking crappy and it feels like its never getting any better but I'm sure u go through times where things feel even a little bit more manageable and cope-able?

Being a surviovor is always going to up and really down times.i personally think it is a life long sentence being a s.abuse surviovor but it isn't always 100 percent bad?

Alot the time to me all the bads don't seem worth living through but I'm lucky to still me alive (maybe?)

I have no idea what point I'm trying to make. Sorry

But I think ur a inspiration to me. I selfishly need u to keep fighting so I don't loose a good friend.

Its so disappointing when we know we won't get better. We can make little changes and be glad we can do that. I know I'm not going to get better and I see that my friends see this and shy away. It hurts. I have to find some way to fix it and there really is none. its out of my control. Dont give up. It may not get better but like another said it does pass on, even if for a little while.
I understand your hate, your anger. I am here if you need another to lean on. Its so easy for others to be happy and we have to fight so hard. Its very exhausting.

hylie,

Sondra Barrett, a Ph.D. biochemist and author of Secrets of Your Cells: Discovering Your body's Inner Intelligence surprised me when she wrote that depression has been her periodic companion. It has been a nearly constant companion for me.

I don't know why but I have it in my head that people who are highly educated, accomplished, and successful don't deal with mental challenges. But, I am wrong and must keep reminding myself that Nietzsche, J.D. Rockefeller, J.K. Rowling, Tolstoy, Mike Wallace, Oprah, Sir Julian Huxley, Henry James, David Letterman, Abraham Lincoln, Mozart, Isaac Newton, John Adams, Agatha Christie, Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Bob Dylan, Blake Edwards, Jon Bon Jovi and a host of others all suffered with major depressive disorder.

I don't know if they ever got better, but apparently it didn't stop them from living and contributing. Will depression desert me? I don't know but I do know that I will not let it define me.

So, I ask, what are your coping skills? What do you do to get back on level ground when the bottom drops out? How do you care for yourself when the bottom drops out? What do you say to yourself when the bottom drops out?

Sondra Barrett--the biochemist--chants , burns sage, lights a candle and does shamanic dance when she feels down or stuck. I write, look for drumming circles, do collages and talk with my sister or best friend when I feel down.

My point is, dear one, that we act on our beliefs. If I believed I'd never get better I would hate it here, too. But, I believe there is a way out--our work is to find it; and suicide is not one of the ways.

Nor, do I believe that therapy alone is enough--critical, yes, but not enough--at least it wasn't for me.

I'd add going to Breaking's place to let out some anger and frighten the neighbors!

Please don't give up.
xx
SuzA

Hi,Hylie

You are definitely going to get better.What people do not say is that it needs a long time to process and evacuate the extreme traumas we were subjected to.
It seems meanwhile that nothing is getting accomplished but there is a whole subconscious work being done.It is like a spiral going up while having to get to the knots over and over.

One day, you will be extremely surprised to find you have come out of that hell.
I can say that because I experienced it myself.It has taken me 25 years to recover from extreme PTSD and DID.

I found that meditation helped a lot.I meditate everyday it brings me inner calm and joy..I looked for an authentic master who had realisation and knew about the nature of the mind.
There are some in all traditions.
I

Hylie,

You are a wonderful person. You are very bright and funny and kind, and you tell it like it is. Your gifts to us on the board are many - can you give that same compassion and wit to yourself, find something funny about all of it, and tell yourself a truth that contains the hope you share with us in response to our posts?

I agree with the others here - meditation helps - at least ten minutes is required for it to do me any good. Walking helps. I am a fixer too, and I like to solve problems. Suz's comment really rang true for me and it has helped me to remember Abraham Lincoln suffered from depression. Yet he persevered. We have to believe in ourselves, not in the lies we were told by those who were supposed to nurture us but instead used us. Acceptance, like Breaking said, is about accepting where we are at the moment. It does not mean we give up or accept failure, just that we allow ourselves to dwell in the depths because it is all part of the process. I usually visualize it as an abyss full of muck and finding my way through the craggy places to a path up and out of the abyss is challenge. My therapist and I have talked about my type having something to do with it - I love personality tests, and i am an INFJ. Well, IFs apparently stay in the depths of emotional processing longer than others. Maybe you are an IF too.

As you can see you are loved and no one wants you to give up. this is because you inspire us. How do you do that? by being totally awesome regardless of whether you are 'fixed.' we don't fix human beings, including ourselves. we just adapt by accepting our history but choosing to walk forward and live in a joyful present that is not the same place as the time when we were hurt. we are in a different time and place, and we have choices now. living this truth is the way through the abyss... I believe.

hugs to you my friend

I can't tell how long i felt the way you did. I never believed it would get better. 40 years for me. But i was wrong about it never gets better. So many of us have been wrong and found that it can get better and we can heal. There is no easy path except one. by being totally committed to the truth that we can heal. that we don't have to give anymore to the abusers. that we can say no more and take charge and come out fighting like hell. Don't give any more to the abusers. Find a way to believe you can heal. you have earned it.

rich

Well...Abilify, even at the baby dose, seems to be having an effect. I don't feel WHEEE...but I am suddenly not feeling much pain. Also like I could maybe get things done.

I feel better.... I gave up on psychiatry and it felt nice to walk out of that office. I get on my bike every day. I try to enjoy myself. I go back to the things that make me happy. I forgive myself for the stupid acting out I did. I forgive others for not being there for me during the stupid acting out.
I love music, I joined a choir and I feel a little better. I love biking I feel a little better. Think about improving. You can't make incest go away, it's a part of the fabric of your experience. But think in terms of improvement, not being totally "normal." Be the best you. You have something to give. Don't let yourself be silenced.
I know that I could have another breakdown. but that's no reason not to make now the best now I can. I aspire to be more.

i don't think things ever get 100% better or cured.
i have days, even long spans of time, when i feel amazing and i don't even think about my past or abuse.
but something always comes along to trigger me and remind me and the bottom always eventually falls out and i always end up having to scramble to get back to being ok again.
it's going to be a life-long struggle for me and i know it - but i'm thankful for those days and weeks when i feel normal and am happy.
and when things fall apart and i spiral into darkness, i remind myself of those times and that with a little work, i will get them back again.
everyone has good times and dark times - i think ours are just a bit more extreme because we're dealing with bigger, darker issues.
don't give up - you maybe have a few cracks on the surface, but you're never totally broken.

I can't say if it's possible to be "cured" or fixed somehow.

All I know is this...I want to cope as best I can, and I want to learn every trick I can to do that better. That's all I'm shooting for, better coping.

Isn't that worth something...short of being cured of all this garbage we have to fight our way through every single day?...just a little peace of mind now and then, that's all I ask for.

I...Dunno.
I always somehow I'd be through, I'd look back and say, "I won. Now I'm free."
That will never happen.

I'm feeling better today...but I will be fighting this nasty little war my whole life, won't I?
Let's hope a get a good few years out of the new med, eh?

Hu hylie
it's good to hear from you again.
Do something nice for yourself today.

Hugs