First off: (((HUGS)))
Second...I'd explain to her that you're just quite ill right now, and not able to do much, but you are doing the very best you can.
...Tell her you love her very much, make sure she knows it's not her fault.
Kids are VERY prone to blame themselves for everything!

I wouldn't talk about WHY you're suffering so much, as that's a bit mature to talk about with a kid.
...I find it really sickly ironic that it's probably a bad idea to talk about what happened to you AS a kid with your kid.
But if I were in your shoes, I would not tell a child her age what happened to me...not quite yet.

If it makes you feel any better?
If I didn't have a mom who is willing to help me a lot, I would probably be homeless.

HELLO, I AM SORRY THAT YOU ARE FEELING SO BAD RIGHT NOW, STILL DON'T DESPAIR, I GUESS ITS JUST HITTING YOU, WE CAN HYDE FOR SO LONG THEN WE JUST HAVE TO LET GO, AND ITS NOT EASY, TALKING HELPS, DON'T HOLD IT IN , I FELT LIKE EXPLODING..I HAVE A GROWN DAUGHTER AND SHE KNOWSE THAT I WAS MOLESTED, BUT NOT WHO WAS MY OLESTER, I SHARED WITH HER HWEN SHE WAS 16 YEARS OLD, WHICH IS AN AGE WHEN THEY UNDERSTAND ABOUT SEX AND PEDOPHILES..
SHARE WITH HER THAT YOU ARE NOT WELL, HURTING FROM THE ABUSE YOU SUFFERED AND THAT YOU LOVE HER AND NEED HER SUPPORT, BUT I WOULD LEAV THE REST, IT COULD HURT HER AND CAUSE HER TRAUMA, SHE IS STILL A CHILD, VULERABLE, YOU CAN TELL HER LATER , WHEN SHE IS STRONGER AND OLDER..
WE ARE HERE FOR YOU, IF YOU NEED TO SHARE, BE STRONG AND NEVER GIVE UP, THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE, ITS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT YOU FIND YOURSELF IN THIS SITUATION, SO SORRY ABOUT THE TERRIBLE ABUSEYOU SUFFERED, LOVE LUCY**

I agree with Hylierandom and Jolyholy - tell her you're not well, which means you can't do the things you'd like to do. Tell her you love her very much and that you are doing the best you can. If you are seeing a therapist tell her you are getting the help you need (and if you aren't seeing a therapist do whatever you can to see one - you need help and your daughter needs you to get help).

Reassure her that this is not her problem - she is not the cause and she can not make you better (children often take responsibility for a parent's problem imagining that they are the cause and/or the cure if only they could do the right thing) - but that her being a part of your life gives you strength.

I don't think you should give her any details beyond what you have already said while she is so young and you are so fragile.

I hope this helps.
Have strength - for yourself and your daughter.

Hi Jimbobaronio, Sorry you feeling so bad - all this stress is no good. Too many things at once to cope with.

I read in one of my books that it is best to let children have their childhood and teenage years before disclosing serious stuff about yourself to them.

Can you use the analogy of the car with a flat battery = no energy for you at the moment - And kids understand if it's put simply to them.

Are you on meds - if not, is it time to think about seeing your Doctor?

The others have good ideas and comments for you ... I do hope you're soon feeling a lot better. Daisymay

You have been thru a lot and I have been exactly where you are. Please understand that i work with kids quite a bit. I see where you are coming from and believe me i know how painful it is. I think twelve is to young to be explicit but a general conversation about how a abuse can afffect peoples lives and in the spirit of protecting your child and enlightening him about how to speak up if he finds himself in trouble can be helpful to both of you. Telling him you are screwed up i don't think is the right approach. Dad's are heros to a twelve year old and his ability to comprehend your situation is limited at best. I think if you present yourself to your child that you are broken is not something i believe he would be able to deal with. however presenting him with the concept of you needing to recover from some very damaging emotional wounds from the abuse is a more positive message and i believe he could understand that much better and would have a more positive and hopeful expectation for both of you.

for what it is worth.

rich
justanothersurvivor.wordpress.com

sorry last post, meant your daughter

Jimbo, I am so sorry for what you are going through. My daughter is going on 12. I recently talked with her. She is very attached to me and I don't get much privacy. She saw me on this board before I could get off the page. She asked about incest. At first I was able to deflect her questions by saying I had a client with an incest background and I was trying to be a better advocate for my client by understanding the abuse. But eventually my daughter has figured out something happened to me. She does not know what exactly and I have refused to answer her questions. She is very inquisitive and has asked me to tell her what happened to me. She says she can 'handle it' and is not scared to know the facts. I have just told her that it is my understanding giving her details will put negative images in her head that are not good for her to have. I have told her it was my grandfather so she would not worry about anyone living (my grandfather is dead) and I also told her no one knew and if they had they would have protected me ... because again I don't want her to worry about other family members (no one else in my family was sexually abusive). so basically my daughter knows my grandfather did inappropriate things to me when I was a child. One reason it made some sense from my perspective for her to know that much is because when she was 6, our 8 year old neighbor tried to touch her inappropriately and she and I have ended up having several talks about what happened to her .... I thought she would feel less isolated to know her feelings towards the boy were normal and that I had experienced similar feelings because of my own childhood experiences (again I never went into any more detail .... and part of her questioning of me was to compare experiences, which I have gently refused to do).

really from my experience Jimbo what my daughter has most needed to understand is that I am struggling with anxiety and depression and what that means .... and what it does not mean. She has needed reassurance that she is important to me, that I love her, that none of this is her fault. She sees me suffering and blames herself, thinks she is a burden. Your daughter needs the same reassurance, I would bet, particularly because of the job situation. My daughter is very anxious about money and never wants to cost me anything ... so maybe your daughter needs reassurance that you are grateful she is in your life and you are doing your best to get better but that it takes time. From my experience, it helped my daughter understand that it was not her fault when she connected that my depression and anxiety were because of memories from my childhood, not because of current events.

I hope that helps.

hmmm I was thinking the same thing but my kids are younger. i always do things on the side to make money like selling things online or whatever but I tell my kids if anyone asks what I do for a living just tell them I'm an artist and that I sell jewelry. Those are both true though I don't make shit. Hmmm being twelve though mabee you could just tell her the struglles of your past have made it hard for you to hold down a job but your doing your best for both of you.

thanks for the thoughts and ideas.

Just realized a week has gone by again.

Hi Jimbo,
I read your post a long time ago but haven't commented up to now because of my own confusion about this issue. I usually like to reply to people's posts with some clear and optimistic contribution. But this is a messy one for me.

My kids are 16 and 19. Both have had their own issues and I feel so responsible for that. My guilt and remorse torment me at times when my mood is low. At other times I recognize that they are not that messed up (!) and my worries about them are an insult to them and their resilience. Who gets a perfect life in this world?

Of course we would like to be admired and respected by our kids, and that's hard when you are functionally disabled by your wounds. The reality is that surviving what we have survived, coming as far as we have come, and facing what we are facing in order to heal, is a heroic accomplishment. But how can they know that when we don't want to tell them what happened? I have no answer except to incorporate that understanding into myself and carry myself with dignity and self-respect that will communicate itself to them. A big challenge, but I remind myself of this often and it does alter my attitude. Otherwise, I am prone to accept all kinds of crap from them, out of guilt, pity and low self-esteem, which is REALLY doing them no favor.

My son's therapist advised me when he was 14 to tell him simply that there was sexual abuse in my past and then answer ONLY what he asked about it. Turns out both my kids had guessed anyway. They have also made it clear that they don't want to know any of the details. There's a part of me that craves their support and understanding, but I know that looking for that is inappropriate, it is trying to create a role reversal, so I am controlling that impulse. At the same time, I guess it's alright to let them give to me, as long as it doesn't become their "job".

When I told them I am dealing with sexual abuse in my past, I wrote them a letter, which I read to them, so that I would get the wording right. I told them it's a messy process and they may see me crying or whatever (I put it more articulately in the letter) but they should know that those feelings relate to the past and have nothing to do with them. I told them I have support in place - my therapist, my group - so they don't need to worry about me. I told them, don't worry, I'm not going to share the details with you! Because I want them to know they don't have to deal with it now.

It's all a little easier said than done. Moment to moment I still feel guilt and shame about being so debilitated and the way that is reflected in our lives. I can't remind them every day "well you know, I was sexually abused, but I'm going to get better one day". They are tired of hearing about "one day" so I try to work on my feelings within myself. At least, if I'm depressed, I can say so and say that it's part of my healing process.

Bottom line: It's awfully hard to go through this process when you have people so close up in your life, and responsibilities putting extra stress on you. But, to use an expression that I hate, "It is what it is". I hope to come out of this one day with a wisdom and strength my children can benefit from. And I guess the exposure to this reality is not all bad for them. They say kids who face no challenges in childhood grow up stunted in some respects.

Carry on - it's all we can do.