I know exactly where you're coming Cecil and I know that it's a crappy place to be in and to feel like. My dad and stepmom were verbally and emotionally abusive to me until I moved out of their house two years ago, and up until about a month ago, they still tried to pull their nonsense. What I have found is that their behavior towards you was on them, it had nothing to do with you. Your reactions that you had, the confused and scared is normal. You had every right (and still do) have every right to feel those feelings. It is definitely hard to learn to love yourself, but it is definitely possible. I have problems with it some days for sure, but I just tell myself that it wasn't my fault that they treated me the way they did, it was their fault. I'm so sorry that you're feeling like this, I hope this helps. {{Hugs}}

Some of the people I've met on DS talk about their inner child or children as if they are living beings and they really go quite far with the re-parenting thing. I have a hard time with that - but that's probably part of my psychological issue. It's hard for me to take my own feelings seriously as it was literally said to me "It's hard to take you seriously" when my mother didn't "agree with" my feelings. It's hard for me to give myself that much importance, since no one else ever gave me much importance.

I was writing every day and I was giving "her" a turn to write. I was just letting myself feel and writing what came up, and a lot of sensory memories of being younger came up, and some powerful feelings too. I have since stopped doing this. I should start again.

Some people also swear by having a dialogue with your inner child by using your non-dominant hand to let her communicate with you. I have some problems with that but I did a long post on it and got a lot of answers, which I'm sure you can find and which might be helpful for you.

I wonder if there's a way we could help each other with this? Because consistency is my biggest challenge - I don't stick with it. Why? I don't know, I don't know.

Inner child work led to finding sorta-kinda alters in my case...

Hmm...How do you mentally see your inner child?
DO you mentally see your inner child? If so, where is she? If you don't see her, then you need to figure out where she is as a starting point.

Mine was "dead," drowned in a lake of grief. I had to give her a safe place to dry out first, nurture her for a while. Then one day she WOKE UP.
...It was...um...kind of unearthly. O.o
Like having an explosion of LOVE in my chest.

There's stuff about it in Courage to Heal. Some people buy their inner child toys, or let them color ...

Now this is going to sound a little silly. But as a child I felt very isolated and lost. But having said that, there are a couple of very dear friends here on DS that seem to bring out the little Carolin in me. That doesn't mean we act childishly or play games, it just means I smile a lot and feel a sense of friendship and companionship I have not felt until recently. We seem to be able to connect safely enough for the vulnerable parts of me to come to the fore. those vulnerable parts I take to be the little Carolin who was hurt so bad for so many years.

So I guest re parenting comes with knowing when it's safe to let little you out. Also you could think about how you would parent a child you had to look after and try to apply that to yourself. By keeping your self well and healthy and safe. I have tried to do this with myself recently even trying to limit my food and get enough sleep, but it is something I constantly have to be telling myself.

I doodle and color. I have upwards of 100 Pez dispensers. I can't help it. $1.29 for a smile and a head to flip back and forth. The candy is crap though. I like Smarties better.

All that is not quite what I mean.

BIG TRIGGER AHEAD

I was in a therapy session remembering the following:
An old outhouse that had been added onto a shed, the outhouse had been extended out so the front part now had a place to hang rakes, shovels, scythe etc. It was 12 x 3 I guess. I was 7 or 8. He was 16. He had me all the way in the back of this outhouse/shed. He made me stand on top of the outhouse part, over the hole in the bench so i would be the proper height. He pulled my shorts and panties down. he put his penis between my legs. it was hot, dusty, itchy and smelly. I watched sunlight peek through the old wooden door. I watched the dust float. I could smell his skin. Something burned between my legs. Finally he left but before he went he told me to give him a head start.
I finally, after all of these years, have put the images and the emotions together. I stand there watching this scene and knowing that no one ever held that little me and comforted her. No one stood up for her. No one explained to her. No one helped me. I stood there confused and scared and alone.

I don't know how to help THAT little girl.

I am so sorry this happened to you Cecil, It does in fact remind of the out house she we had and the smell of oil and paraffin on my father's overall's. I know exactly what you mean....No one to turn to for the little you to be consoled or warmly cuddled or reassure you, no one to comfort or enlighten you. I know exactly because I have experienced it myself. So we console and comfort ourselves in immature ways as we have no real guidance.

Gosh.....I hope that I haven't triggered anyone re my father's smell.
If I have I do apologize and will be more careful in the future.

No....no trigger. I have small triggers every day. It is just part of life and mostly OK.

Cecil, you go and get that little girl. Go into that craphouse and pick her up off the seat where she's standing and carry her out. Take her someplace safe and clean and sit down with her on your lap and hold her. Or whatever feels right to you, and if you don't know, ask her. It all happens in your mind and heart, but it really happens. You might have to take her out of there and comfort her, wash her, or whatever, many times. It will help. It will make a big difference. And I want you to know I am all but crying for her, too. Thank God you are there to get her out of there now.

Oh...and Hylie....I have one "little me" that is a complete snip. Loving, playful affectionate. She likes friendly pranks, giggles, cuddles. She sits alone and plays by herself because she was hurt so badly. Bastards stole her cuddles, giggles and smiles.

Me too, I can't play with others. I can only be serious and of service. I have been cruelly rejected for loving .... for spontaneity. : (

Donna, I think we were typing at the same time. I am writing another email to my therapist as I watch World War Z and hang out here on DS. It means so much to me that you feel for my little girl. It really does. Crap....no one came for her and it hurts so bad.

Thank you

*gulp*
One of us in here was also abused in an outhouse-it was in a state park.
We were 8 too.

...Going to go get my inner kiddo now...