Hi Dodge. I'm so glad you're going to be working with a therapist who knows how to deal with trauma. I am working with such a therapist now too, and it's making a big difference.

The anger is completely normal. We learn to turn it against ourselves because it is too threatening to let ourselves realize that the people we love and depend upon for our very lives are the ones hurting us.

The thing that is making a big difference for me right now is that after a lifetime of hating my child self I am working really hard at loving and supporting her. All our feelings that relate to the past are held by child selves who still live on in us as children. And those children desperately need to be loved and comforted and told that none of what happened was their fault and none of it was deserved.

You will be surprised how easy it is to love that child, and how readily she will respond to your love.

As for your religious beliefs, anything that has you believing that this is a punishment for your failings is surely a misunderstanding. You met a great challenge in life, and I am sure God wishes you to meet that challenge with as much love for yourself as God has for you, and as much patience and understanding as well. I cannot believe that God would be hateful and punitive towards an innocent child.

Hi dodge- Well, you can't really know why the God you believe in would allow such a thing to happen. There are many innocent people who are taken advantage of, and it sucks. But, it is what it is, so you have to start there.

You're not a bad person who deserves to be hated. Abusers will hurt anyone for their own sick reasons- not because you, or anyone else deserves it. If you weren't available, they'd hurt another person who was vulnerable because they're bullies (cowards). But if you hold on to your self-esteem they're powerless to destroy it.

It's very unfair, but you need to deal with this burden the best way possible. Seeing a therapist is a huge step toward doing that. Hopefully the therapist will help you direct your anger where it belongs, which is toward the offender(s). That would fit in with a spiritual approach too. I know little about the Bible, but I think God would punish the offenders- not their victims.

As far as rejection, it's time to realize your own power. Take that rejection and put yourself in control of it. YOU can reject the abuser(s).YOU can reject their horrible crimes against you. YOU can, and you should, reject evil- even if it's perpetrated by someone you're emotionally tied to. Let all your feelings of anger and rejection bounce back to those who threw those feelings at you. And remove yourself as a target. Get them out of your life as much as you possibly can, as soon as you can.

Dodge, self harm is like doing the abusers' dirty work for them. You become a pawn in their evil game by picking up where they left off. There are healthier ways to find an outlet for your emotions. So reject self-harm too. Don't let them continue to cut you by your own hand! You are your own protector. You have can pick up where they left off in the right way.. by treating yourself with the love and respect you deserve. Anything good you do for yourself is another loss for your abusers.

The best way to take that anger and fight back is to give yourself everything they tried to steal from you by honoring your mind, body and soul. Be gentle and nurturing with yourself, and take all the time you need to heal. You deserve it!

My abuser died when I was 12. The abuse only happened when I was very small. He's not around to direct my anger towards him. Thank you all for your advice. I just found out yesterday they denied my Medicaid which means I won't be able to afford my therapy. They said don't worry about it we will get it worked out. When I got that letter in the mail yesterday I was so upset and angry and just started swallowing pills. I wen to town today and came home and I'm so depressed I don't feel like doing anything. We just bought a house in Nov. and we've been working in the yard. Now I don't care about anything. my therapist said someone mentioned a state hospital. I've been in 2 and I have no intention in going back. Thanks again for listening.

I think you'll find as you become more knowledgeable about childhood trauma that all your feelings and reactions are perfectly normal responses to something that was not normal at all.

We're not mentally ill, we're just reacting to an unacceptable situation. Anger, self-hatred, self-harming, guilt, shame...these are all part of how we respond to the things that were done to us. It doesn't matter when it happened, the point is that it's coming out now and you have to deal with it somehow.

Somehow you need to accept that these negative emotions are not some weakness or failing on your part. Many of us were taught by our abusers to blame ourselves for everything that happened and the way we responded to it. I was a "problem child". It's only recently that I learned that I wasn't a problem child, I was a normal child with a problem family.

Be patient with yourself and give yourself time. These things are very difficult to work through. Don't give up on yourself, you're a person worth saving. Isn't that the basic message of your religion?

You don't have to go through this alone, even if you can't afford therapy. I don't have the money for it either. I do self-harm at times, but the support I find here really helps. We understand what this feels like, you're not alone.

Sorry, I got confused. I thought you said you couldn't get therapy. I hope it helps you deal with this.

Hi Dodge please bear with me because this is my first time ever to this website and my first post. I too am a christian and I too was a victim of abuse. Mine ocurred when I was 7 as a cub scout at a overnight boy scout camp. It involved an older boy who took advantage of my innocence and trust. I hid it because back then it wasn't something you told someone. Looking back at my life I wished I had been able to tell someone.Hiding it was the wrong thing for me in that it manifisted its hurt in so many ways that affecedt my life in all areas.I became a loner, never really trusting another male in that they might hurt me. I became timid and though I got married I never truly knew what love was like because I the experience warped me and I didn't even know it.
Maybe it was a self image thing that prevented me from really letting another person get to close. It took me 58 years and a divorce and finding the Lord to realize what harm had been done.
We all wear scars, some deeper than others, but keeping it in wasn't the answer it was the excuse in my case.Surly I could deal with it and it was just a lie I made up for myself.

Now that it is out on the table and I understand the deepness of the hurt I was able to deal with it. It doesn't take it away but I' can hit it if I need to.

I was eventually able to forgive the person who did this to me though not in person. I prayed for him knowing now that he to might have been a victim. It didn't really matter whether he was a victim or a pervert but for me part of my process was to pray for him and let God know. The hardest part in our walk with the Lord is forgiving myself. There wasn't a magic wand and I know God understands. He is not blind to anything that happens in our life's.
It is a very hard thing to explain our hurt to someone who hasn't been a victim also. They become awkward because they don't know what to do. It's not their fault they can't understand, They just don't have the tools to truly understand our hurt. I don't know where the guilt factor is coming in before the Lord. If it is coming from other christians then maybe they are just surface christians.
For me I found my solace in the Lord. The only person that truly knows what true love is. We didn't invent love God did so why am I seeking it from imperfect people. It just may be that you are doing exactly what God wants you to do right now in dealing with it. Maybe he wants you to be mad and let it all out and then give it to him. It isn't an overnight thing. God heals us as we let him and in his own way which might not be what we expected. But he will help you and he will heal our hurts. Make him as real as the doctors you want to see. He says to come boldly before his throne expectin nothing less than his promises.
I hope this helped a little. I will pray for you.

Hey Dodge. Everything that you are going through is a normal way to feel after what has happened. I had been stuffing my anger down my whole life . Finally in 2007 I began therapy. I was a total wreck at first. Talking about everything that happened. What I done and how I dealt with things. But she got me and she understood me. I felt like I could tell her anything. I think all of the emotions have to just flood out after being built up for so long. I have noticed that writing how I feel when someone upsets me. I still don't have a full grasp on my emotions. I have a huge feel of rejection too. There's this weird thing where I feel like I have to please everyone or get everyone's approval. When that part breaks and you just don't care anymore. You will feel so relieved. Just be gentle with yourself and let those feelings out. You need to. Much love.

Guin

"Somehow you need to accept that these negative emotions are not some weakness or failing on your part. Many of us were taught by our abusers to blame ourselves for everything that happened and the way we responded to it. I was a "problem child". It's only recently that I learned that I wasn't a problem child, I was a normal child with a problem family. "
Well said Richie..

Please do not hate yourself you were only a child and now you are suffering the aftermath of being abused.

Hate them you can still direct the anger towards him in your mind......

I know all about all the symptoms you are having and struggle through them every day.........Try to look at them as symptoms of the aftermath of abuse not the real you.
Because that is what they are like so many here have said.
We all have this book case symptoms of abuse it is normal to have them.

It is very normal and even healthy to be angry at having been abused when we were powerless, innocent and defend less.
Its not until this anger starts coming out that people are actually recovering and it is a phase we go through some longer than others....be patient with yourself. You did nothing wrong.