Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
Hi all,
I posted on the sexual abuse board and then found out there is a site for incest survivors.
So, a little background. I was sexually abused by my father. I suspect that he sexually abused all of us kids, but my siblings don't have any memory of sexual abuse. I don't know when the abuse started, but it ended around age 9. So, this would make my father a pre-pubescent offender, except for the fact that he tried to "date" my daughter when she was 13. So, I guess, basically, he is just a sick f**k. (Hope it is okay to allude to such language here.)
I am here trying to do some inner child work, and I am stuck. Got some great advice from Blaine on the other board, and will be trying that soon.
I don't have any memories of my siblings or cousins abusing me, but my sister does have memories of my brother sexually abusing her and all of my siblings say that our cousins sexually abused us when we lived with them for three months.
So, now what? I have been working on these issues for more than 10 years now. It has gotten better. I used to freeze when I saw a car that looked like my parents. I went NC with them, and then with siblings later. My siblings have serious mental health issues. I suspect that what they experienced was far worse than what I did, as I am the youngest. I moved over 1400 miles away from home state to try and heal. It has been better, but I still don't know what to do to help my inner child express what she needs to concerning my dad.
In therapy, at least, when I can get back to the therapist after the mountainous amount of snow melts. I live in a state that was hit hard this winter with tons of snow.
So, here I am. Now with a group of people who get it. Who know. Who won't look at me like I am some freak and disgusting.
I posted on the sexual abuse board and then found out there is a site for incest survivors.
So, a little background. I was sexually abused by my father. I suspect that he sexually abused all of us kids, but my siblings don't have any memory of sexual abuse. I don't know when the abuse started, but it ended around age 9. So, this would make my father a pre-pubescent offender, except for the fact that he tried to "date" my daughter when she was 13. So, I guess, basically, he is just a sick f**k. (Hope it is okay to allude to such language here.)
I am here trying to do some inner child work, and I am stuck. Got some great advice from Blaine on the other board, and will be trying that soon.
I don't have any memories of my siblings or cousins abusing me, but my sister does have memories of my brother sexually abusing her and all of my siblings say that our cousins sexually abused us when we lived with them for three months.
So, now what? I have been working on these issues for more than 10 years now. It has gotten better. I used to freeze when I saw a car that looked like my parents. I went NC with them, and then with siblings later. My siblings have serious mental health issues. I suspect that what they experienced was far worse than what I did, as I am the youngest. I moved over 1400 miles away from home state to try and heal. It has been better, but I still don't know what to do to help my inner child express what she needs to concerning my dad.
In therapy, at least, when I can get back to the therapist after the mountainous amount of snow melts. I live in a state that was hit hard this winter with tons of snow.
So, here I am. Now with a group of people who get it. Who know. Who won't look at me like I am some freak and disgusting.
Seems like incest doesn't just confine itself to just a couple of people in a family, it seems to run through multiple generations like a vein of fungus in an old tree. My family often whispered about dark secrets and "inappropriate" behavior...but as is often the case, no telling how far it went.
Hold your head high, nobody will blame you or look down on you here. Our past is not who we are.
I hope you find being on the site very helpful.
I was thinking last night "Why should I be ashamed! I didn't do anything wrong! It is my parents who should be ashamed!"
Then I think about how many people are frightened to hear that something like this happened to you. Most were very supportive when I told my closest friends, but some just didn't know what to say or even how to understand the pain and grief this abuse caused me.
One friend in particular, (we grew up together) has made repeated request that I contact my parents because they are getting older. I love this girl, and I understand her perspective. She lost her mother a few years ago and her father is up in years. I realize that she did not have the kind of childhood I had, and so she just can't relate. Recently when we talked, she brought up again the idea that I should contact them, just to see if they were alive and well. I explained to her again that I had no need to contact them, and I understood her perspective. I closed with, "They gave birth to me, I did not give birth to them."" I know she means well, and is not trying to hurt me, but there are those who will never understand, no matter how much we try to explain.
So, my closing thoughts here are that no one should feel ashamed of the abuse. NO ONE! I am not responsible for their disgusting choices, and, no, their advancing years does not change how I feel about them.
Has anyone else been in a position where you felt you had to defend your decision to not have contact with your abuser?
It's very common for the younger one in an association to take on the shame and guilt re the abuse. The older person in this situation IS ALWAYS THE RESPONSIBILE ONE. But a child cannot process this as there can sometimes be a lot of threatening by the abuser to make it seem the child is responsible in some way.
I don't have any contact with the person who abused me. I think that would be quite common.
Some people will never understand the dynamics of abuse and abusive families.
The 'inner child' work can be very helpful. The 'adult you' can reassure her and look after her. Good you're in therapy.
Hugs, Daisymay
I think the most damaging part of this was that I was not threatened by my father. He had no need to threaten me with silence. My mother was aware of what he was doing and would put me in the bed with him, knowing what he would do. This was more of a mind-f**k than anything.
Thank you again for your response!
All I would say - is something said to me in therapy - don't get hooked into things you don't want to do!
Be strong and keep coming on here - we understand.
Even more hugs! ...... Daisymay
I was treated badly by my whole family. How much they knew, I don't know...much of it happened when I was very young. Some was neglect, some outright abuse, but they all had a hand in some part of it.
That's left me with a deep suspicion and distrust of all humans. It's only my animal friends that I trusted in this life. Their love was genuine.
The fact that your mother was involved in your father's abuse of you is highly significant. Having no safe adult in his or her life is deeply unsettling to a child. Deep inside ourselves, you and I will never forget that betrayal.
Yes, incest does run in families. It is in my father's family and in my daughter's father's family. Everyone ignored it and swept it under the rug.
Thanks again for the warm welcome.
Im so glad you are here although not glad for what brought you here. Please keep posting.