rich,

You've described, in large part, the relationship I am currently in and have been in for many years. He's a wonderful man and a wonderful father, but....

I love him but am not in love with him. Some part of me wonders if there is really a difference between loving a person and being in love with a person.

And another part says, "Absolutely." There is a difference. But then goes on to wonder if the difference is no more than the romantic illusion so prevalent in the West.

And still another part wonders about the arranged marriages that still go on in some parts of the world. What keeps those marriages working? Commitment? The trappings of the culture? Resignation? Certain mind-sets? I'm not sure.

So, I remain torn. Stay with a good man or not....

As to whether it's too late only you can decide if you're willing to risk putting yourself out there to find the one who enlarges your life.

Haven't been a lot of help but I know this is a decision only you can make--as it is for me.

Suz

thank you Suza66, It was a help hearing your story - it was heart felt and moving. Thank you again

jas
rich

I am also in a similar situation. With the benefit of hindsight, when I met my husband I was looking for someone I could rely on, but someone who was not emotionally expressive because I wouldn't have been able to handle it. Now I want that emotional side because I have changed.

Sometimes I find his lack of emotional intelligence makes me despair and wonder if I should leave him. Can I live like this for the rest of my life? But in all other respects he is an excellent man and no one is perfect (except in movies).

I have put my husband on an emotional roller coaster whist he has stayed by me through 10 very difficult years of therapy. If I left him, I might find someone who could give me that magical feeling of love, but I might not. What I know is that I would not find anyone who understands me as well as he does (even if I think he doesn't) because they will not have been on this journey with me.

Finally, I love him and he loves me. By staying with me and giving me stability he has shown that love in the most profound way possible. It would devastate him if I left him. Do I want to do that to him?

If you love your partner as you say you do, my advice would be to stay with her and to work on improving your relationship. Accept her limitations along with the good things she has to give you.

None of us are perfect - and that's OK.

thank you breaking but the only time she wants to work on our relationship is when i discuss the possibility of us moving on. She just will not talk - but i agree love is important and that is why i have hung in there. maybe this is the best i can expect frommy partner

jas
whole again

rich

I truly recognize that my not being able to maintain a good relationship (tho' married twice, the 2nd time for 22 yrs.) is all on me and my deep fears of being left alone, etc.. Now that I have been able to live by myself for 2-1/2 yrs, I just think to myself, "I don't need to have my feelings hurt every day" by a significant other. I always spent soooo much time in the bathroom alone squalling, in both marriages, that I guess I am getting old and just don't see that it is worth it. I really only had 2 boyfriends and married them both. I make bad choices, huh. I married them both because they paid attention to me, which I so desperately needed.
Enough of my rambling.

It sounds to me like your partner has issues of her own that she isn't facing.

Putting aside the possibly meeting someone who is perfect for you (because you might not), do you think you'd be happier without her?

If you think you'd be better off on your own than with her, then leave.

Maybe you love her but not enough to compensate for the sacrifice that living with her is.

It does sound like you really love her. Will she consider counseling? I am on a similar position. I really do care about the person I'm with but we are not connecting the way we should. I do believe that at least half is my problems. I have issues with forgiveness. Once a man has screwed me over its like the planet of no return. When I thought things were going well,he was looking for another woman to be with. Just didn't understand. We talked and laughed and had good sex together. I am des entry attractive and built well. I own my own business. That was my logic at the time. What I didn't get is that he had his own issues. Having been molested as a child, I don't have much trust for men. It's almost like I have a sign on my back that says,abuse this woman. We went to counseling address our issues and decided to stay together. It's very difficult for me to trust him. I haven't been able to have sex with him and most of the time we don't communicate about our passions in life. I think that after a while people settle. I think that if I tried to be with someone else,there would just be a new set of problems. We all know that's true if you've been in more than one relationship in your life.
If you love her, try to find a way to communicate with her. Leave and you start over with someone else. God Bless

thanks everyone. and you are all right in your comments. I stay becuase i do love her= i am sure i will figure things out in time. I think over hte years i have been to much of an enabler, In reality an enalber is really a disableler. she is a good person and like everyone she does have her issues. It was an interesting revelation after my recovery.

thanks again everyone your comments have helped as always.