I think you're going to feel better when you have antidepressants. I once made a list of things that make me feel good. Not happy perhaps just for the moment good. Maybe two minutes worth, maybe one. These are the few I can still remember.

1. good coffee in the morning
2. playing with my cat
3. really good sleep without bad dreams
4. pro football (go figure)
5. all kinds of music, this one probably bring the most happy distraction.
6. to talk and write and really be heard
7. poetry, great poetry and hearfelt first attempts
8. candles

I'm pretty sure you like coffee...

Peace

Thank you. That reminds me playing one of my instruments and really getting into it. That does make me feel good. I haven't been able to do it in so long that I forgot. It's as good as any drug.

I don't know if I could say I've ever felt really 'good', but I do sometimes feel better and OK, especially since going into therapy.

I've never been on drugs (other than 1 course of antidepressants when I was 16) and have managed to avoid any addictions. Instinctively I knew it would only make things worse - and that I would be judged for the addiction rather than helped. I can remember being on the verge of anorexia a couple of times and making a conscious decision not to go that way. I knew that no one else was ever going to look after me and that to be accepted, I had to be as perfect as possible.

It is only possible to do this if all feelings and emotions are banned. With therapy I am beginning to experience emotions (only still very occasionally) - 'good' and 'bad', and when I do it feels like I am tasting life for the first time.

You are depressed, you are in a bad way, but you will get better. You will get through it. And the only way you will ever know if you can feel good without the chemicals, is to try it.

And now I've seen Saintkevin's and your responses. Why not make music your addiction? You say you haven't been able to play - I assume this is a physical problem so is there an instrument you can pick up and adopt instead?

I'm learning how to draw and paint and I find I get completely immersed and lose myself in it. It doesn't make me happy per se, but it can bring me up a few notches or just make me forget for a while how unhappy or lost or confused I am.

I bought a new instrument before my wife was diagnosed with cancer and took delivery about 2 weeks before she died. I played it for her a few times before she died, but then the music went out of me and I haven't played it more than a few times since. I just played it for about an hour and it felt really good. I have 2 guitars, a synthsizer, an auto harp, an electric auto harp and my newest instrument an electronic accordion which I can tie it to the synth through MIDI. It is played like an accordion but there are no reeds. It is all electronic. The sounds are beautiful. The violin sound can make me cry it's so beautiful. Thank you for reminding me.

On the accordion, I've lost a little bit technically and stamina wise. The thing that has always been my strongest is expressing emotion in my music and I'm happy I haven't lost anything there. Another split, when I play music I'm fully in touch with my emotions and can express them freely. Something my father couldn't take away from me. I go to a wonderful safe place when I play, I need to do it more. Thank you for reminding me, I've been so stuck in the depression.

I'm sorry loum that you are so depressed-
Despite all the things in my life that I have been "handed." I have managed to have many happy moments and feel joy- good days.

I do hope you start feeling some relief soon. Hope is what keeps me going....

yes but unfortunately i have to go thru a recovery process before i no longer needed meds.

I'm pretty sure I would have had organic depression, my mom has it, and takes happy pills...
I just have much worse depression because of the trauma, thanks dad! ARGH!
So I might have had to take happy pills anyway. But they only establish the chemical preconditions for happiness to occur. They don't make me happy.

Ioum - today I feel good. Better than I have ever in my life. I'm sure I won't feel like this every day from now on but to know it is possible is wonderful. You can feel good. Hang in there. You're in the worst place at the moment just keep moving, keep going and you will come out.

Hugs.

Depression or not that is a good question. I find that I am happy when I do something nice for someone in need. There was this homless guy, outside the circle k, in the mornings 2 or 3 a week I would go in, get coffe for two and two dounuts. I would give him the two dounuts and a coffee. Then if he was there in the evening, I would get him a sandwich. I felt great, because I know he really appreciated it.