Your little child can cry. He is allowed to cry. He was not responsible, he was hurt, badly hurt and let down by his parents. This isn't someone else, or a report in the paper, it's you and it's OK to cry. I want to put my arms around you and we could cry together.

Big big hugs

I think the mourning for loss even if it is a loss of a desired or perceived dream . the mourning is a step we have to go though yet. I am there with you. I think it is key though to moving forward.

Because my childhood was far from normal and I, too, endured sexual exploits from my father and abandonment from my mother (and father), I understand your pain.

But I want you to know this:

I'm a mom with two sons. They're perfect - as they should be - with all their little peeves and reactions, the normalcy of their coming-of-age, their little boo-boos and bandaids. Every ruffle of their hair was well-deserved and full of love. They were treasured for their beauty and encouraged to be independent.

My little boys were treasures, showing me more than I could otherwise know in this world. In fact, my youngest is autistic and to this day (he's almost 16 now), continues to mesmerize me with his insights and unique wisdoms.

Boys should be nurtured and loved, hugged without presupposition and played with, shown how to both be rough and rugged, plus gentle and kind. Boys are such a treat to raise! They're exciting and energetic! Full of life! Full of curiosity!

These are things that are only partial to the loving I tried to impart to my sons and to which you - Lou - should have shared with your family.

It is important to mourn the loss of this and to now give that to your inner child. The hair tussles, the fun at the zoo or park, the messy fingerprints and the mud pies. All of these things that make boys be boys and feel loved and cherished.

You deserve that.

You always have .

I want to thank everyone so much. Everyone here has helped me so much. I could never have had the courage to truthfully face these demons without the support of everyone here. Thank you again.

I wish I could hold that sweet, precious little boy and let him have a good cry on my shoulder.
Poor kiddo.

This is why i think people should be careful to not try to "move on" too quick.

I've often felt like moving on would mean abandoning the child.And i can not do that.
I would rather mourn forever than betray the child like everyone else did.

I've been feeling the little child inside me today and he really needs someone to care about him. He is very needy. He felt so hated. The other children first called him cripple and wouldn't play with him then fatso and wouldn't play with him. His mother wouldn't hold him and comfort him. His father used his body for his own perveted pleasure and then told him how bad he was. He has internalized so much hate and I feel so bad for him. I want him to feel better, but I can't take away his pain. I've tried to do that y whole life with food, alcohol and drugs. All of those things only worked for a short time. He needs to grieve and know that it wasn't him. He deserved to be comforted not abused and I have to let him. It is so hard because there is so much grief.

In my Art Therapy session this week I realised that not only does my hurt little child need a mother, but so does the more adult 'parent figure' within me need a mother in order to be able to support and love the hurt child.

She asked if I believed in angels. I can't do it all. I need an angel, I need a power or strength that comes from outside of myself. When I was in my teens I had a vision of an angel at the end of my bed and I felt comforted. My angel doesn't perform miracles and can not change what is happening in real life, but is there to give me comfort and support and to help me cope with life - but I have to remember to call her. I often forget because I don't think I deserve her help. This is a mistake. I have to learn to call on her more often and to lean on her - to accept her as a replacement for the mother I should have had but didn't.

You have an angel. Call on him/her so that together you can help your little child grieve.

Don't ever feel ashamed to cry. "Strong men cry". It builds strength and charecter and all that pain needs to come out in a safe way because you sure don't need to add yourself to the list of people who've hurt you. It helps to put your abuse experience under a microscope and really break it down so you can understand what damage and where, was done to you. Too often we focus on the most obvious damage and never treat the hidden wounds that run so much deeper. One thing that people in general don't get is how each time someone has been abused, hears of another case of abuse, we tend to wear that pain as well because we are the only ones who can understand what that person went through. We will never live the "normal" that people who do not know abuse live but we can get our strength and self esteem back and use that to change things. The healing powers of saving others ( even one person) from going through abuse is priceless and probably our only way back. Prayer's for you......... Molly