Hi Jimbo, I know what you mean about words not being sufficient to express the scary feelings, at least that's what i thought you meant. I can't seem to make anyone understand the depth of fear and pain that I remember. There just aren't words for it.
Regarding gory details, I think it's ok to say whatever you need to, just put the word "trigger" in the title, so people know it may be rough. I think, too, some people put those really graphic things in a journal, so it's more of a choice to read it or not.

Jimbo:
It is very considerate of you to ask about the inclusion of triggering details and Reading is right - if it is going to get really details, just put "trigger warning' in the title or on the first line of the message, just to warn others.
I also used to shake to the point of inability to speak - some of the memories are SO very powerful. But, at least for me, after being able to write and talk about it in time, I can now address the issues and find strength in the fact that I lived through the horror of it and it did not kill me; so the memories have lost their emotional impact and I can discuss it with others, not allowing the abuse to continue. I pray you can find this the case also. Journalling is good (even though I have not been good at keeping up with my journal!!) and it allows you to decide who views your writings and also allows you to "practice" getting some of the toxins out.
Please understand that this site has seen a lot - and it welcomes your input as you obviously need to talk and get some of this out. Again, with the "trigger warning" you can allow others to decide whether to read your post or not. But you DO need to get this out as it will just keep holding you back until you learn to desensitize the emotions and talk about what someone else did to you. This allows you to take your power back and grow.
All my best -
Refuse2quit

Jimbobaronio,

A Trigger Warning is acceptable posting policy.

Your post reminded me of a survivor workshop I went to years ago. It was for women only. There were about 20 women sitting on the floor in a large, gymnasium-size room, in the wilderness of Maine.

Each survivor would decide for themselves when they were ready to go to the center of the room to work with Ellen Bass or one of her other facilitators.

It took almost the entire week before my body told me it was my turn to go the center. I didn't trust Bass so I picked a facilitator whom I later learned was a ritual abuse survivor.

I told her I had lived in my head all my life (I was 43 at that time) and I wanted to get out of it. She told me to breathe into my head and I felt a surge of anger burn through me instantly; I thought she had not listened to what I was saying.

I hissed between clinched teeth that I wanted out of my head, but she just repeated the instructions.

I recall thinking to myself that I could argue or breathe. I took one breath into my head and immediately regressed.

***Possible Trigger***

Though I have no memory of what my behaviors looked like and can only share what I was told afterwards, I do remember screaming and screaming, and screaming and screaming.

I remember knowing I was a child in a crib being hurt. But I was pre-verbal.

What came out through those screams was the emotional ENERGY of fear, pain, and anger...and it filled that room.

I returned to my body to find eight women holding on to me so I wouldn't hurt myself. Apparently, I had been trying to fight back.

That energy hung heavy in the room and Ellen suggested we all take a break until the air cleared.

For me, that release through screaming and fighting clearned room enough for me to be in my body for the first time in my life. I marveled as I actually felt my feet on the ground; I was taking up space and I could touch the boundaries that surrounded me--they were so palpable they felt like walls.

**End of Trigger***

I don't know if survivor workshops are still around, but I hope so because I think it's the physical release of trauma in front of witnesses that aids healing. Peter Levine addresses this and so does Eugene Gendlin. If you haven't already you may want to look their work up.

I felt my heart fill with compassion for that "little boy who thought he was going to die everyday of his life" and am glad you are here.

Don't give up.

xx
SuzA

P.S.

They don't have to be words. The body has many ways of expressing itself and all things done to it.

SuzA

I love Peter Levine. I found my last therapist through his website.

I feel I have preverbal abuse too. I get that 'feeling' or my body memory. I trust it now. Especially when it comes to partial images and foggy memories.

For a while I thought I was crazy or going crazy as the weird memories started to come back.

I am not crazy anyway - my therapist told me I wasn't.

Hi Jimbo
Feel free to share whatever you feel you need too. Like the others have said, just put a trigger warning first.
I too grow up with daily survival as a big question mark in my life. The memories you're having are quite normal and is just a part of dealing with these issues. With hard work, those memories will remain, yet they will lose the hold they have on you, you regain the control over them, and many triggers and nightmares dissipate also.
SuzA, There are still groups around and I'll be starting a new one at the end of the month. If you're a male and live close to Owen Sound Ontario Canada, the group starts at the end of the month. Feel free to message me for details. They also have groups for male survivors in Toronto.
So welcome Jimbo, and just take baby steps and don't be afraid to take a bit of a break now and again to re energize and rejuvenate. All my best to you, Blaine

Hiya, was wondering where you went.
...Fetal position on floor? been there, done that.
I put a trigger warning in the title myself, that way people in a bad place don't accidentally open it.