What do you think? Are you comfortable with it?

I think you are right to "out" your abuser(s) but I don't want any harm to come to you. I learned first hand that when we start speaking out saying that someone who has a lot invested in being seen as an upstanding member of the community and a great Christian,is in truth a child molester, that the perpetrator will stop at nothing to try to discredit us or shut us up in any way they can.Mine stalked me, would find out where I was working, and go on a campaign to get me fired from every job I held. She also badgered the local police department in the small town where I was living at that time, making one report after another that I was engaging in criminal activity,which of course was absurd and never substantiated.Those are just two examples of a lot of things my perpetrator did because she became obsessed with shutting me up and devoted her entire life to it until she finally became too old and senile.

People capable of child molestation are capable of literally anything and are going to be in a white hot rage when you "out" them.
However if you have taken some precautions to keep yourself safe and if you have surrounded yourself with some supportive people to be there for you should you tell your stories only to be met with a lot of hostility from people who find it a lot easier and more convenient to accuse you of lying than to try to wrap their heads around the fact that such things really do happen-then I would say go for it, but proceed very cautiously.

Take care.That takes great courage to put 55 absolutely horrible stories of things that happened to you out there to try to help others, knowing that after you go through the pain of writing about it, at least some people are going to respond with hostility.

However I agree that the only way to break the cycle is to speak up If someone knows that a child molester is running amok in society a good citizen would warn people.Good for you.

kclady48,

Thank you for your response. It helped me realize how unclear my post was.

The 55 stories are from 55 different women who have healed. Actually, I spoke to many more than 55 women to find out exactly how they healed themselves, but 55 were willing to share their abuse histories.

My purpose in including them in a book on healing from incest and sexual abuse is to let survivors know that in spite of the horror these stories represent, these women were still able to move forward and heal.

i agree with much of your post because it does take courage and careful preparation before "outing" a perpetrator. And, yes, many perpetrators seem like "upstanding members of the community...."

Now that you know it's 55 different women telling their story, do you feel any differently?

The abuse history is one chapter; the remaining 16 chapters are all devoted to healing.

I appreciate your concern and kind words. Again, thank you for responding.

xx
SuzA

I think it depends on your purpose for telling these stories. If they are all your own experiences and you feel a strong need for them each to be heard, then yes, by all means, give every event its due.

If you're trying to make the point that the abuse happened to you (or to some other one person) an extrordinary number of times, I think that the reader would get the gist after maybe 15 or 20. You run the risk of losing your audience by either overwhelming them with horror or numbing them to it when there isn't anything new they can learn from items on a list like this.

On the other hand, if you feel you need all 55 to show a range of abuse situations - different types of abuse, different ages of victims, different family structures, cultures, eras, effects on the victim, etc. - then the extensive list would be helpful to more people. It would give any individual reader a better chance to identify with an experience.

let1tgo,

Seems both you and Charli were thinking along the same lines. He responded with a similar suggestion in the sexual abuse group.

And you have just fleshed it out even more by suggesting the stories show family structures, cultures, age, etc.

I do intend to make these stories work hard and will do as you have suggested so that many people can identify with the experience represented and know that they can heal, in spite of what they went through.

Thank you let1tgo, you, too, have just made this book more helpful to survivors and I am very grateful,

I am also reminded about the power of synergy because initially though I was reluctant to post I am now blow away by the ideas that have built on one another. I sit here shaking my head in happy amazement.

Thanks again, let1tgo.
SuzA

xx
SuzA

Hey Suz,

That shaking your head in amazement and wonder feeling is the power of synchronicity. This is a term that early analytical psychologist Carl Jung coined and it refers to situations that are just too coincidental to be written off as mere coincidence. Synchronicity is "Hand of God" stuff, and once it starts working in your life, you'll see it happening more and more often until it becomes an everyday occurrence. Synchronicity will lead you forward in your recovery by opening doors for you that you never even knew existed, and it will provide totally unexpected opportunities for you along the way. This is powerful stuff, Suz, so treat it with respect, and never lose your sense of awe and wonder where it is concerned!

When I read such intense but healing books I really appreciate it when authors separate the real stories somehow - either in a separate chapter all their own or by putting boxes around each story if they are spread throughout the book. That way if it's a sensitive time for me I can avoid the heavy stuff but still benefit from the "healing" message. But when I'm stronger or want to know that someone else can relate to my experiences then it's still there for me to read.

Hey Charli,

You're right about synchronicity. And I like how you described it as "Hand of God stuff." It is amazing, isn't it!

SuzA :) :)

treasuredpossession:

Thank you so much for your post. It is exactly the kind of information that helps me decide the best way to present horrible, triggering stories, that are also, ironically, healing.

For me, the healing piece is in knowing that in spite of the trauma, incest and sexual abuse, these women made it. And knowing that is both encouraging and inspiring.

Many thanks.
SuzA

I think that publishing stories of women who survived incest and are now functional people is an especially good idea for two main reasons: So often incest survivors are left to deal with the fact that after we survived many people, including some therapists, unfortunately can't wrap their heads around the mindset of someone capable of sexually assaulting their own child.In other words if someone manages to survive the incest we are likely to later, be re-victimized and betrayed time and time again, when we reach out for counselling, because too many therapists don't get it and say things that do more harm than good.Instead of researching more deeply into challenges common to incest survivors,in order to better understand and help their client, far too many therapists who haven't lived through it will just try to BS their way through.Even therapists who are making an effort to research what they need to know to help adult survivors of severe and repeated child abuse, I have found, often still just don't get it if they haven't also been there.
For example someone who hasn't been there rarely gets the fact that "parents" with cluster B personality disorders intend to hurt their children, plan ahead of time how they will hurt their children, and as the child grows into an adult the biological "parent" with a malignant personality disorder continues to see their offspring as a piece of their inanimate property and will continue to intentionally abuse the adult child.
HOWEVER:
Reading other survivors' case studies about what helped them make it this far would be extremely empowering.Other survivors "get it" and in many cases immediately know what to do about the problems that another adult survivor is struggling with. Some survivors get "stuck" and can't get past something that happened years ago, but sometimes the survivor is struggling because the abuser is still actively abusing them.
Additionally, I have read that some mental health professionals are considering more intense studies of those who survived severe abuse, but have always remained in touch with reality and are now thriving.I would think that those studying why some peoople survive and some don't would be interested in the information that you are gathering.

The other reason I think printing 55 different womens' stories is a great idea is because 55 stories could go a long way toward educating the public about the many different faces that incest can take.I think most people know that when a male adult or adolescent family member causes a little girl to engage in a sexual act with them that that is incest.But a lot of child molesters are slick and cunning and commit incest under the radar for years,using guises of helping the child use the restroom, bathing the child,looking them over to see whether they have any chiggers or ticks on their bodies,asking the child to give them a massage,finding excuses to keep exposing their private parts to the child,leering at the child in sexual ways,whispering sexual comments to the child in public ect.People need to know that if an adult fondled a child's private parts completely unnecessarily and it was done in a way that was no accident, then that was incest, pure and simple, no matter what excuse the perpetrator gave them, and no matter who the perpetrator is.
Everything my biological "mother" did when I was a child was centered around her looking for openings to find an excuse to fondle and caress my sister's and my private parts.As a child I had perfect attendance throughout grade school because when I was ill I would have to stay on my feet and conceal it to keep from being molested by her. If my biological "mother" knew I was ill she would force me to let her give me a complete bath which of course would include sexual assault.
This woman was a home economics teacher who used to sexually assault my sister and I and a few other girls she had carefully chosen and groomed, under the guise of helping us fit garmets that were being sewed for us. In the 1970's in the rural midwest,people didn't question a well-educated woman in a respected position, with no criminal record.Heck,today many people don't question a successful professional male or female with a decent car and nice-looking yard, if the perpetrator can come up with some plausible sounding excuse for having had contact with a child's private parts.
I hope that in printing 55 women's histories you will consider giving some validation to females who were molested by other females.Some women were abused by a man and woman at the same time and that is equally repugnant, however it seems to be talked about a bit more often.
Women who were sexually assaulted by a mother,grandmother,older sister, stepmother, or aunt have great difficulty finding validation and feel like there is no one else in the world who would ever understand us.I hope that your book will be able to start changing that.
Hope I've been some help.

kclady48,

WOW. Informative and powerful post. Thank you.

After I received feedback about pointing out the different types of abuse based on these 55 stories I began to do just that. And one category I had in mind was to identify female as well as male perpetrators.

I found that 19 of the 55 stories told of abuse by females whether it was mom, step-mom, foster mom or grandmother. So, yes, kclady48, that will be an important point, because you're right, many people can't imagine women as perpetrators...but they are.

I will print out your post as soon as my printer is working again (which probably won't be until Tuesday) and respond to each point you made. In the meantime, thank you so much for taking the time to write and for the critical information you offered.

I will definitely keep it in mind as I revise this ms.

xx
SuzA

Why are these story books always female?

Tom, perhaps these stories are always 'female' because no man has ventured to write a book with stories of male survivors yet.

You men should band together and share your stories, too. It could help a lot of men to come forward.

TomSinTn,

These stories are not always about women. Mike Lew has written the classic book for men who were abused; it's called Victims No Longer.

Mic Hunter has written many books for men. Hank Estrada has written for men and so have the following male authors:

Mark Pendergrast
Robert Falconer
Michael Scarce
Dan Altender
Richard Gartner
Stephen Grubman
Rik Isensee
Daniel Sonkin

...and others.

Check them out. I read Mike Lew's book and it's a classic because it's good.

SuzA

I'm so glad that you found my information useful.