((((HUGS)))))
Is it like getting away with something when you don't self-harm?
If so then I know what you mean.

If I showed anger I got hit, usually, so I guess I think I'm supposed to be hurt when I get angry or whenever I hurt someone's feelings. I am resisting the urge to hit myself right now.

Hugs to you too. I have urges but not very strong, so I don't feel like I have to hurt myself, but it feels uncomfortable. I feel strange. I've been feeling a lot of emotions lately and dealing with them in a healthy way. I seem to be able to name most of them and not feel self destructive. It was very dangerous to allow myself to feel anything as a child. It's very uncomfortable now.

The urge or programming of 'self hate' - 'self hurt' is so strong at times that its weird or feels weird to not self harm. I use to be a cutter, i dont cut anymore. I use to inflict pain on myself and self sabotage in ways that were very defeating to me and my family.
Once I realized where they were coming from I was able to deal with them, but that didnt come natural. I felt like I needed to be punished somehow. I got away with it, as hylie mentioned. It does get easier to 'love' yourself and begin to accept that you dont need to self harm.
Lots of hugs Loum50 in your journey.
it feels great to give hugs, and it feels grea to get hugs too so plenty of hugs your way ((((Hugs))))))

I just want to congratulate you on not hurting yourself, as weird as that feels. Sounds like progress! Your angry with your abusers, yes! I can relate to the desire to hurt myself - I did it to the extreme by the way i acted out being demeaned sexually. It's only the last few years, that I've realised I'm a person too. I've always been keen not to hurt others, well I''m a person too, and it's not Ok to hurt me!

Yeah i get the hurge to self-injure but i don't.
Keep the anger focused and directed on THEM........Don't hurt ourselves on someone elses account...
I have not self-injured in a long time too..It is a lot of progress...hugs :)

I am also learning to redirect the anger at my abusers.I used to turn it against myself, mainly skin picking and hair pulling or I would wrongly project my abuser on my husband and yell at him and go for him.
When I realised the state of my skin and the damages done, I knew I must find other ways of "getting it out".
I have started writing, it gets my mind and hands going.
Big hugs to you ,Loum.

Thank you everyone. I'm feeling so many strong emotions lately and identifying them. Today I'm feeling extremely sad that my wife is not here. I miss her very much and am so lonely without her. I'm still angry that I have to live the rest of my life without her. I really cherish the memories of her. There I go crying again. Feeling emotions is very exhausting.

Dear God this is a lesson I wish I could learn.....