Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
Hello forum, I have a problem I'd like to share with you.
How do you tell a friend who seems not to acknowledge negative emotions - (when they enquire of your wellbeing) about how you feel from the sexual abuse from childhood?
How do you tell a friend with such blind optimism that SOON is not how you recover? (this a reply i gave)
(well meaning but ignorant and persisting with unrealistic YOU'LL BE WELL SOON dismissives) - especially at xmas. when you're trying to ignore the season & have no family.
i would like this lady to understand the concept of "baby steps"
she does not appear to.
i want to tell her (i have told her) "that is not my reality."
however, nothing seems to get through to her "happy but blind optimism"
that makes it feel less of a friendship as she does not seem to acknowledge the difficulty, i wonder if she even sees it.
Q) how would you express to a friend like this, how it feels?
(i feel like i'm in a bubble / speaking a different language and separated from her in this way)
this issue with a girl pal does not help my agoraphobia as my feeling like an outsider is reinforced.
nor does it help my interactions with others as i have a sense of "its not worth it." "whats the point?"
From this I feel like some kind of outsider when in social situations despite being friendly and chatty with people.
It might be worthwhile to add; can't stand hearing about people's LUVVERLY mum or dad (i have none-disowned them - incestuous toxic nasties) so as soon as i hear someone always talking of family, i leave. it cuts me up and i need to be alone- problem is- i then end up being alone TOO much)
Has anyone else had this kind of experience with a non-survivor friend? trying to say how it feels but not quite getting through?
would be good to hear your input. :)
best wishes,
growingpanes
:)
**I try to stay happy despite this, but when this repeats, I wonder "how do i change this? what / who needs to change here"?**
How do you tell a friend who seems not to acknowledge negative emotions - (when they enquire of your wellbeing) about how you feel from the sexual abuse from childhood?
How do you tell a friend with such blind optimism that SOON is not how you recover? (this a reply i gave)
(well meaning but ignorant and persisting with unrealistic YOU'LL BE WELL SOON dismissives) - especially at xmas. when you're trying to ignore the season & have no family.
i would like this lady to understand the concept of "baby steps"
she does not appear to.
i want to tell her (i have told her) "that is not my reality."
however, nothing seems to get through to her "happy but blind optimism"
that makes it feel less of a friendship as she does not seem to acknowledge the difficulty, i wonder if she even sees it.
Q) how would you express to a friend like this, how it feels?
(i feel like i'm in a bubble / speaking a different language and separated from her in this way)
this issue with a girl pal does not help my agoraphobia as my feeling like an outsider is reinforced.
nor does it help my interactions with others as i have a sense of "its not worth it." "whats the point?"
From this I feel like some kind of outsider when in social situations despite being friendly and chatty with people.
It might be worthwhile to add; can't stand hearing about people's LUVVERLY mum or dad (i have none-disowned them - incestuous toxic nasties) so as soon as i hear someone always talking of family, i leave. it cuts me up and i need to be alone- problem is- i then end up being alone TOO much)
Has anyone else had this kind of experience with a non-survivor friend? trying to say how it feels but not quite getting through?
would be good to hear your input. :)
best wishes,
growingpanes
:)
**I try to stay happy despite this, but when this repeats, I wonder "how do i change this? what / who needs to change here"?**
There's no point in trying to force someone to understand you. If you enjoy the person's company, then maybe just stick to whatever common ground you have. If they say something inane about you getting better soon, maybe just laugh it off with "If you say so!" just to avoid conflict.
It takes time to build the kind of intimate friendship where you could feel comfortable sharing something so heavy and the other person might be able to hear it. In the meantime, it is lonely, but DS is a place where you can meet other people who have had similar experiences and can hear whatever you have to say and keep you company on your healing journey.
Soldiers who return from war have always found this to be true. Violence changes a person, and the differences can be so great that reaching out just leads to disappointment and heartache. Being abused as a child is a deeply damaging form of violence, that's why they call sexual relations between adults and children rape.
I've had persistent problems trying to form friendships and relationships throughout my life. I just live alone now, and I'm trying to accept this unfortunate way of life. I can't explain any of this to people who've led relatively carefree, happy lives. They just don't have the context to "get it".
And as you know, we can't just read a book, or take some special pills to "get over" the things we've experienced.
Like Donna said, we can't force people to understand us.
I certainly do experience a WEALTH of stigma at work though! I can take a fair amount but talk of forgiveness is really, really frustrating for me. I often will ask the person, flat out, what it is that they are asking me to forgive. Sometimes that can snap them out of their arrogance.
There is a lot of talk about "priviledge" in academic circles. You could always mention that you wished you were as priviledged to not have experienced child abuse. Although sometimes, I do wonder if people who behave like that are in deep denial and can't go there. Their very life depends on denying that they were harmed.
You most certainly are not alone.
I have become a cynic about people who say their families are wonderful.
I imagine much is not being said. It's a protective device. For people I care about who claim family happiness (that I can observe) I can sincerely be happy.
I believe donnawanda's suggestion on finding the common ground may serve you well. While there are certainly people who can, with great compassion and understanding, step into the shoes of a survivor, they are few.
For myself, I find I get to know a person pretty well before sharing my history. In that way I have a good sense of their level of understanding. The eternal optimist would not be able to understand the pain or the dark side of life so I'd not be inclined to seek their understanding. What is so important about this woman that you seek her understanding?
Have you let her know how her Pollyanna view of life impacts you? Not only that it's not your reality, but how you feel it to be dismissive? If her friendship is so important to you I wonder if giving her the book The Courage to Heal might not wake her up! There are a few hard-to-read stories that might jar her, though I suspect she'd be jarred for a bit and then hurry to find escape back to her world filled with rainbows and unicorns.
I have great compassion for the survivors of the holocaust, but I simply cannot understand what they actually went through. It's mind-boggling to me. Perhaps your friend simply cannot understand the impact that sexual abuse and incest has on a person. Or perhaps it scares her.
At any rate, isolation is not the answer. I think pumpkinpumpkin's suggestion about finding a face to face survivor group may go a long way to healing because you'll be heard. And being heard and understood may release you from the need to have Ms. Optimistic hear and understand you.
xx
SuzA
I feel that you'd probably be better off making friends with someone who understands (or at least honors) the magnitude of what you're going through- even if they haven't been there. I think eventually you'll resent this friend who dismisses your trauma experiences. She likely doesn't realize it, but it seems she's more concerned about her own need to minimize this than she is your need to be heard.
Remember this is just my opinion, and of course it's your decision to accept the relation as it is, or not. Do what's best for you :-)