I am feeling like I just wish I could forget that any abuse ever happened-I am so sick of it taking up space in my brain and impacting everything in my life. Today, I asked my therapist if I had not been abused, would I still have the same issues and of course she said No-all of my issues go right back to child abuse. I hated hearing that. I just wish it would go away sometimes...

I wish it would go away and that I would be all better. I know it will not. I also wish that there was a formula or recipe I could follow and I would be all better.
One of my issues is when I go shopping another part takes over and I buy things I don't need and even things I don't know I bought. Today I had therapy and I was telling her about my latest shopping trip and noticing how I was feeling when that part had taken over. She thought it was wonderful that I noticed it. I want the process to happen much faster. It feels like baby steps.

Hi, I can relate to not wanting to believe it, and 'struggling to accept it.' I hope you can be gentle with yourself, as you go through this kind of denial, as it's part of the whole thing. Well, I found it incredibly difficult to believe my father raped me when I was little. I had received an 'image' of him, which I now accept as memory. But, I got the 'image' 20 years ago. It just makes sense to accept it, to explain how my life turned out. It's so incredibly huge, to be sexually abused by your own parent - that's why you're struggling to accept it, that's why i struggled too. gently, gently.

I now have no problem (relatively) accepting I was abused and I know I can't change the past. In my head I know it was my father who did it - but the child in me still doesn't want to accept that and all the implications that come with it. She still thinks the world is too dangerous. I have to reassure her that she is safe now, that he can't hurt her any more.

I am a lot like you.Although I can accept intellectually that I was abused by my own father, some memories are still very much in the "no go" area because of the terror involved and mind control exerted on me.
What I have most difficulty accepting is that I suffer from DID as a consequence from the trauma endured.
I see it more clearly in my husband now although it took me a long time to realise he was suffering from compulsive buying when "switching" into a small boy part.he bought masses of photo and video gadgets, video games etc... which he hid in his art studio and never used.When "confronted" he could not explain his compulsion and seemed "absent"In those days, I wish I had known about DID.It would have saved us a lot of money too and such suffering.
My husband had been photographed and filmed in a pedophile ring.
It is hard, but we both feel so relieved to have come to the cause of our problems and be able to work on our issues in a constructive way.At the moment,I feel I am rescuing all these parts of myself who were desperately waiting for me in the dark;And finding a fresh, spontaneous spiritual self, my true being.

I'm going to the beach today and I'm going to try to relax. I can't go in the water or in the sand because of the amputations and the wheelchair, but I'm going to try to find a shady spot where I can see the ocean ans feel the breeze. I'm going to try to find a book to bring that has nothing to do with incest.

That sounds lovely Ioum. :-)

The beach was beautiful and relaxing. Now I'm tired. I didn't think about sexual abuse all day.

:)

:)

I'm finding all of this very difficult.
To recover or heal you do have to process the trauma in context and deal with the reality.

Doing it has helped me cope, manage my symptoms, control my triggers better, ect....

On the other to deal with it you have to accept it.Accept that it happened.And that its very difficult too.

This stuff is not easy.

I have accepted that I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused
by my father and that I was sexually abused by two others. I was also emotionally abused by a number of adults when I was very young. The latest dream-flashback-memory I still have to accept. Sometimes I just need to take a short break from dealing with it to build up some energy and strength. I also need to concentrate on working on the results of the abuse. I have a lot to work on along with the amputations and the death of my wife who was with me since high school. Sometimes I feel lost, depressed and tired. The incest started at a very young age. My father liked to fondle me in the bath tub. I have pictures of him giving me a bath when I was an infant in the sink with my genitals exposed for all to see.

I was never able to change my son's diaper when he was a baby. Whenever I had to take a group shower in school I became physically I'll and had to go to the school nurse. There were other things that leave me no doubt that he sexually abused me.

Yeah a lot if the scars are there there have had to be an injury....It blows my mind how many people try to deny it inspite the obvious.

hugs.

I don't know why that latest memory is getting me so upset. The least little thing that goes wrong and I get so angry I start hurting myself. I hope the scratches don't get infected. I haven't hurt myself this bad in over 20 years.

*worries*