Welcome, Paulina. You ask some heavy questions about marriage and sex that I want to think about before I respond, but in the meantime I did want to welcome you to this forum.

About your brother ... You must know that there are all kinds of tricks abusers use to keep their victim quiet, and if the victim is a kid what chance did they really have to see through it? It is awful to be abused and betrayed within your own family.

Welcome!
This is an article from Slate, Dear Prudence
Q. An Affair to Mourn: I love my husband very much, and we have two children together, but when we got married his libido was low, and over our 25 years together it has dwindled to nothing. We have tried doctors and therapy, but he is simply asexual and does not enjoy sex. Ten years ago, feeling lonely and desperate, I rekindled things with an old flame. Ever since, twice a year Ive told my husband I was booking a sailing holiday for myself, when really I went with my lover for two weeks on our own. A month ago my lover, who was a professional sailor, was shipwrecked and drowned. His brother sent me a parcel saying my lover had left behind this box of letters he had written to me but never sent. He loved me but felt that I wanted nothing more than our affair, so he never told me and never met anyone else. Now I feel wracked with grief at his death, regret at what could have been, and guilt for ruining his life. I am covertly seeing a grief counselor, but my husband has noticed my depression and keeps asking what is wrong, wanting to help. I love him, dont want him to find out about this, and feel awful at having betrayed him for so long, but I feel lost and desperate about my lover. Any advice would be appreciated.

A: Please let your letter be a warning to people who enter into marriages with those who have little to no interest in sex. If a marriage begins with such utterly mismatched libidos, decades of frustration are bound to ensue. You are doing the right thing by seeking help, and discussing whether to tell your husband should be high on your therapeutic agenda. Since you have a companionable, though sexless marriage, I think its fine for you to tell him part of the truth and find out if he wants the whole truth. Explain that you are really sad because a dear friend died suddenly. Then see where the conversation goes and whether you want to spill all. You did not cause your lover to throw away his chance for happinessit was his choice not to seek a more fulfilling relationship. Its too bad that during your fortnight sojourns, you two never really opened up to each other about what you wanted out of life. But not seeking what you want out of life sounds like a lifetime habit with you. Surely your husband knows that you dont lack a libido, and its rather cruel of him to assume you have simply given up on sex because he has. Maybe its time for more honesty all around.

Not sure what I should get out of that letter. Sounds like l should leave my husband and I should never be married.

That is really though. I do not like sex either it triggers flashbacks.
I also ad a very understanding boyfriend before that would understand.

You hubby must love you a lot to be with you almost having to give up sex. That is a relationship worth keeping.
In my case after 2 years of no sex my boyfriend did move on. And I understood.

If you entered recovery your feelings about sex may change but I do not know mine never did its flashback galore.

Again sounds like he cares a lot BUT I would not force myself to have sex as it can exacerbate the issues that every survivor of sexual abuse lives with...
So no I would not force myself to have sex.

Sexual molestation very often does cause dysfunction that lasts for years and years after the abuse.

I had problems with this for my whole life and it was only after I started recovering blocked memories of childhood abuse that I understood why.

We are not to blame for what others did to us, I can see that now. For so many years I blamed myself or tried to deny there was anything wrong. Now I understand...intimacy is very difficult for me, because it triggers bad memories. I can admit it now, I don't like being touched by anyone. That's why I get so wound up when I have doctor's appointments.

My libido is OK, it's the touching that I have trouble dealing with. It's not a good place to be. Because I didn't have an active dating life, people would often gay-bait me. That triggered me even more, and made everything ten times worse.

I did have sexual relationships, but things never worked out for very long. So I've mostly been alone. I have to keep reminding myself that none of this is my fault, it's all from being abused.

So welcome Paulina, and don't ever blame yourself for any problems you have. None of this is our fault...it helps to remember that.

I think that we are all wounded in our sexuality - because we were attacked in our sexuality, by people who should have been safe. So we all have issues around this.

Usually we are either hyper-sexual or asexual. I've been on both sides, and I've been married for over 20 years, so I'm kind of looking at this from both angles.

I used to have a stronger sex drive than my husband, with very strong needs, and I suffered a lot over this. Maybe because of my incestuous past, it was hard for me to feel loved if he wasn't having sex with me. Aside from that, I can say that having sex together does strengthen the bonds of tenderness and connection between us.

But now that I am post-menopausal, and I have started working on the incest in my past, there are times when any sexual activity is deeply upsetting and repulsive to me. So I do understand how you feel on that side too.

They say it is possible to heal this, and I hope it is. I got a book by Wendy Maltz called "The Sexual Healing Journey" but i really haven't been motivated to work with it yet.

The bottom line for me is this: I understand your feelings about sex. On the other hand, depending on how much it means to your husband, it might be a big loss for him, or he may feel cruelly rejected or deprived. I know that if you were willing to look deeper into this and perhaps work at healing it, it would strengthen the bond with your husband, and you too might discover that sex can be a source of absolute delight. I am not judging you at all because I am having a lot of trouble with this myself, but remembering how happy it used to make me, I hope I can heal my sexuality and come back to it one of these days.

Paulinaak1,
I had just read the information and thought it discusses issues similar to yours from the view of the partner with a higher libido. I t's very hard to find love, companionship and a mate with an identical sex drive.
So don't think you have to throw it all away. I'm sure there is a solution. I'm sorry for the abuse that caused this.