Incest Survivors Support Group

Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...

917 Members
4,738 Posts
0 Online
Personal Challenges
/ Incest Survivors Support Group

feeling miserable

loum50
loum50
Ever since I had that emotional flasback all the shame my father forced into me has been right on the surface. A fight with my boss last week, four hours of medical tests on Thursday are contributing. The results of the test were OK, it was the invasivness. Right now I feel like a miserable abused child. My self talk is saying if I wasn't such a coward I would juut kill myself. I'm not going to but that is the pain talking. My doctor gave me some pills for anxiety and they made me feel great. That was the problem, they made me feel too good. I looked them up and they are highly addictive. I was trying to relax today watching some music videos on you tube and saw a video of a 16 year old girl who killed herself by driving a car into a tree. I did that at 16 and walked away. I hit that tree dead center and totaled the car but only got a few cuts. I'm feeling all those putrid messages my father drilled into me and I honestly still believe them. I don't want to, but I do. I even feel miserable about venting here.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I noticed a few days ago you had posted an old thread on the MP board, asking if you have DID. I'm wondering if you ever asked a professional for a dx? It would be really good to know for sure, because if you are, you can go in a whole new direction in healing. If there are truths like DID that you don't know about you just need to know.

It sounds like you are intimate with the CSA abuse feelings. I describe it as feeling flooded with abuse feelings. Keep posting. You need to know people care about you. You need to remember that you are understood and all or the vast majority of us understand because we were injured in very similar ways. You are not alone. You are understood and respected to the brave, (if suffering) soul you are. Again, you are not alone. Peace.
loum50
loum50
Thank you. I have done a lot of work in the past on multiple splits. As far as I know I was aware of all the splits. They were very distinct differences but they were all me. By doing that integration work I believe I lost a lot, although I feel more whole. The only split I am aware of now is the little kid and I do become him. There may be one I'm not aware of that does SI that i don't know how those scratches happen.
I've been dealing with this off and on for a long time with the self hate and the poison inside me. I know exactly where it comes from, but knowing doesn't help. The only ones that truely understand are other incest survivors. I've heard so many times that I have to take care of the little kid. How do I take care of him when I become him. There is no adult in the room. The split is deep. He seems to be acting up a lot lately and he is very needy and feels very unloved and unlovable. I have to admit I'm afraid of him and his vulnerability.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I could have written that second paragraph myself. My therapist has helped me get stronger, to become something of a parent to myself, but when that little kid really comes through I am so alone, I so want a real parent. Someone to hold me and make me feel safe until the pain goes away.