I'm so sorry you're going through this. :( It breaks my heart for you. I can't imagine that kind of heartache, but I will tell you that you're beautiful and strong. You're loving and compassionate. You're brave and courageous. You intelligent and wise. You deserve all the greatest in life. I wish I could take away this pain...

But please remember you are loved. Please, PLEASE, remember that people care about you and love you more than you realize. I'm here for you, no matter what.

Hang in there.
((HUGS))

I felt that way too, before I had my kids. It is a very deep pain and nothing really makes it go away. As you go through it, know that you are not alone. (((hug)))

I am so sorry. When I look around at the horrible consequences of my abuse and how it just wont let me be, the helplessness takes over. It is just so unjust and sad and tragic. Tonight I was feeling so hopeless and defeated by it. Then I read your post and I found a ray of hope.

Maybe because it is easier to see it in others, but I see hope in your story. I know your pain is immense right now and probably will be for a while, but you are fighting through the pain so that you can be the mom you want to be for your children. And you will be. Every time I pick myself up and dust myself off, I do it because - as painful as it is for me - I know that I have to win this battle if there is any hope for my children to live a full and healthy life. So even though your children are not here yet, know that you are battling for you and for them. And when they get here - just as when mine get old enough - they will know the strength and courage of an incredible woman they have the privilege of calling mom. Hold onto the hope.

The hope is all gone, I am 41 years old and have been denied by three adoption centers. And my body id closed up. I will never be a mother. I also found out that my friend was very upset her husband let me hold the baby. I understand her concern with my seizures, but it still feels like a knife in the back. As I look at all the picture of the people who died in colorado, I wish i could have replaced my self for one of them.

When you think about those people in Colorado, you should try and remind yourself that they had to fight for their lives. They didn't want to die, they just did, and unfairly so. Their friends and families are grieving their losses. The shooting in Colorado has really opened my eyes!

Also, I have a good friend who was about eight months pregnant. Just a couple of weeks ago, she was in a car accident that killed her baby. She still had to deliver it. She delivered a dead baby. That baby never got a chance at life.

People in Colorado were unfairly taken.

You have been given a life, and you deserve to be in it just as much as those victims of the shooting and that baby that never got a chance. Just remember people care for you and love you and it would hurt all of us here if you did anything permanent.

proudaunt, you are a mother to anyone you nurture. You have a powerful instinct to nurture and to heal, and you honor those instincts whenever you write something encouraging and healing here at DS. I am sure there are many people in your life who have felt nurtured and healed by your presence and who still do today. Know that you have many gifts and skills and that you are here with a purpose.

the other day I was in an airport and trying to catch a ride on a plane with my friend who was an airline employee. we began talking with a woman who had missed her first flight and had caught a later one and was trying to catch other connections to her final destination - in Colorado no less. This woman was very wise and kind. She said at one point, "you have to fight for your destiny, you have to grab hold of it and not leave it to fate." I thought this was so interesting because in nearly the same breath she had said we must be at peace with our struggles and our obstacles because we are not in charge, we can't worry about tomorrow, only be here today. How to live both of those ideas at once, now that is something. So yes we must recognize we are not in control and that our struggles will be great, be at peace and know we are loved and part of a universal scheme, and we must also take charge of ourselves and find our destiny and live life to the fullest each day, without worrying about tomorrow.

all of the things you do, proudaunt, to help others you are doing because you are part of something bigger. Each of us matters in our own small way. Each of is important, even essential, to the universal scheme. Know that you are loved by all of us and we are here for you.

Thanks everyone, just not sure what to do. I feel horrible for the people in Colo. I have a friend here in NY who lost her cousin. They died a horrible death. I have lived a horible life. I would happily let one of them come home and replace them.Not seeing a therapist in 4 weeks is not a good thing. Hope they can get insurance straight before I make my descion. I love all your support just it was something I could reach out and touch.