It would be comical if it was not so tragic.
Last week, after terrible flash backs, I relived being abused by the protestant pastor on the retreat to prepare us for our solemn communion.I was 15.
Why did I only remember last week? Apart from the obvious usual threats, he had managed to convince me I was bad, I was the whore of the Temple, that is what my 15 year old part reminded me of.
I was the whore of the temple, she said,make sure to repeat this to your therapist.
I was the temptress, I was the evil one who had managed to lead the pastor into darkness.That was my secret thought.
That pastor had seen in me all the signs of children who have already been abused by their parents, who have poor self esteem and will not talk so are the ideal prey.
He had managed to turn all the other teen agers present at cathechism to consider me as the evil one, the disgusting one, the scape goat.I had become their scape goat too.
This too, I had erased from my memory.Too painful.
I had accepted that victim role, that expiatory victim as I was sure I was evil,this statement coming from the mouth of a man of church.

My father had previously shown me how I was the evil one, tempting him into my bed.His own demons , he made me believe they were in me, the proof was my hairy legs.yes, I really thought I was a creature from evil because I had hairy legs and pubic hair very young.A sign of the Devil.plus, I fell pregnant;in my mind, there was nothing more disgusting and the proof I was damned.

How crazy is that?A child will believe anything.Father Christmas, but also Satan, the devil,, aliens, anything .Mind control.undetectable in the "normal" consciousness".Totally hidden in the ressess of the mind.

I lived 60 years with the belief that if I rememberd the abuse,I would go to hell, I would have daggers pierce my back, My father's rifle would blow up my head, the snails 's sensation would come back on my body.
Well,it did and it saved me.I could not meditate for a while because of the sensation of the snails.I did not understand what was going on.When I was about to remember the Pastor and tell my therapist,I had the irrational fear of being followed at his cabinet.
My flash backs saved me.I was able to locate the crazy cues installed in me., deep in the brain, still activated.

Today is 14 of July in France;My husband goes bunkers every 14 of july;It is linked to the fireworks but he can't locate the cue yet.Before, the pain was so much he would try to commit suicides
.This year, he knows there is something behind it;he has dismantled much of the story and got to awful stuff done to him but this 14 th still resists and remains a mystery.We are both rattling our brains to find it.

I am so happy to have regained memory.I understand why I had lost faith and went into restoring a presbytory to convert it into a healing place for survivors.The pastor.He had got away with it.
I saw on Internet that he had got the highest medal in France
for services done to the country!
I am now reading a book which is so helpful that I recommend it to everybody who is surviving extreme trauma."Safe Passage to healing"
by Chrystine Oksana.
It is a long journey.When I thought the sea had calmed, other waves would manifest.
yesterday,13 july, I received another beautiful book from a friend"the book of awakening" the comment for the day was
"God leads me to still waters
that restore my spirit";Psalm 23
.I cried.
Huge waves of flash backs submerged me many times and my husband too.We had nearly drowned, or rather had the sensation we were drowning but still waters are coming.For all of us.
I do not believe in God.I believe in the Void of Buddhism,but I feel it's the same in the end."the flow of simplicity, primordially pure, the radiance of unfabricated light"For me it's the same.
No, the pastor did not win.No still waters for him.